I Am Here

I don't know why I am here. When I stopped blogging here 9 years ago, it wasn't a conscious decision. It was really a combination of things - of life getting too crazy, feeling like I had lost my voice, and getting annoyed that certain people in my life were spying on me by reading my blog, and then confronting me on issues that had nothing to do with them. I felt I had to censor everything, and it defeated the purpose of having this space in the first place.

So here we are 9 years later, and something made me open this up tonight. The blog theme was all outdated, things were wonky, and in my effort to fix the major issues all my landscape photos rotated. Ah well...it is what it is. I don't think I can go back through the 700+ posts and fix all the photos at this point, so it will live on in infamy wonky, just like my thoughts.

A lot has changed in the last nine years. The boys are growing up so quickly. Kiddo is wickedly talented and smart, but alas, a teenager, so he hides in his room most of the day. Port is 11 and full of fire and emotion and still one of the most fascinating kids ever. The hubby is still doing his thing, only now in a finished out shed in the backyard, so we hardly see him. My business grew and went crazy for a while, and then matured and refined and is once again about to evolve.

I am still just as nuts as I was before, but now with a bit more understanding and sophistication...lol I shouldn't say that - I'm not nuts, but I do have a different way of thinking from most people. I am learning to embrace it, to enhance it, to develop it. My hope is that in doing so I can experience a higher level of living, enlightenment, and understanding.

I want my voice back. As I read through the last 9 months or so of posts here, I was shocked at how much I enjoyed reading, but also of how much I had forgotten. What an amazing gift to be able to look back at the times when the boys were little, and remember the daily struggles and triumphs. It saddens me to think about the 9 years I will miss that I did not document.

Thankfully Facebook has some record of the last 9 years, and I do print out my fb posts every year and make them into a book. But the depth and detail isn't there like it is here.

So after reading for about an hour, I clicked on "new post"

And here we are.

Will I be back? That is something I can't answer yet. But, this year (2020) is going to be a BIG year. I've been living in survival mode for a while, persevering and just trying to hold on. This year, well, this year will be a TRANSFORMATION. I don't know what all that means yet, but I know it to be true. A couple of months ago, in prayer, I was overwhelmed with the message that "everything will be different", and from that moment on things did start changing. I hope to be able to share and document some of those things here.

Until,
D :)

One Sweet Love

So for the past few days I have been elbow deep in dough, sugar and cinnamon. 

I have made 5 full pans of maple iced cinnamon rolls and 6 pans of apple cinnamon rolls.  The 6' table is in the middle of my kitchen and will probably remain there until just before Christmas.  I am already tired of walking around it, but it really makes things so much easier, especially rolling out the dough for these babies. Look how pretty that is!

Like a flower. ;) The pan above got a little ambitious on me and tried to escape it's confines so I had to go ahead and bake it this evening.  Now I will have to fight to stay out of it, especially since there is no one else around to eat it right now. 

I mean, how can you resist that?!?

Until,

D :)

Sugar Cane | NaBloPoMo day 30

I scalded the milk, oil and sugar this morning, and then later added yeast, flour, and various other ingredients and created the most magnificent dough.  After letting it rise for a couple of hours I pulled the 6' long folding table out of the garage, scrubbed it down and set it up in the middle of my kitchen.  It's that time of year again! Time to make the cinnamon rolls!

The plan this evening was to roll out the dough and get a few pans made and ready to freeze, but my Kiddo had other ideas. He's been bugging me for a couple of weeks now for a new pillow. His current one is pretty lumpy and worn - we've had to wash it so much because of nose bleeds and allergies - the filling is shot. So tonight I made the trek to Target to get him a new pillow. I also picked up one of those allergy covers; it's supposed to be water proof and keep out all the allergen stuff. I put it on the new pillow and man, those things are noisy! But I thought I would give it a shot anyway and so I put the pillow case on over it and brought it to the kids' room, shortly after bed time.  Kiddo rejected it in less than a minute, coming out of his room to ask for his old pillow back. So I took off the allergy cover and let him try it again and a couple minutes later he said he still wanted his old pillow. I gave him the old one back - by this time the little one was complaining about his pillow too (copycat!) so I gave him the new one. I laid them both back down and left them to go to sleep. I went into the kitchen to prepare to roll out my dough.

Five minutes later, I hear bickering coming from their room so I went in to see what was going on. Kiddo was standing in front of Port's bed and he had taken the cover off the new pillow and put Port's pillow back on his bed. I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to put two pillows in one case. And he wanted the pillow back.

Too late, kid.

I told him no, he couldn't have it back and he couldn't put two pillows in one case. He asked about stacking two pillows on top of each other so I gave him Port's old pillow and he pitched a fit. I told him to go to sleep and left him in his room. He cried and cried - Hubby and I both went in there to tell him to calm down and go to sleep. About 10 minutes later he came out of his room, marched up to me in the kitchen with his little hands all balled up into fists and he told me that he was going to "fuss and cry all night long if I didn't give him that pillow back!!"

Hubby and I burst into laughter. 

We made him go back to bed - it's a good thing we both have a sense of humor. But 10 minutes later he was in there coughing pretty much non-stop. I brought him some water and when I walked in I discovered he was laying on the floor. I asked him why and he said he refused to sleep in his bed. *shakes head* Oh the DRAMA! I made him get in bed and once again I left. 

10 minutes later he was still coughing, so I brought him a cough drop. When I left his room, I noticed that I had stepped over a piece of paper on the floor in the hallway just in front of his door. Thinking it was some random drawing that had some how made it's way to the hallway, I picked it up to throw it away. But there was some writing on it...

"Dear Mom, 

Im stupid! Remember when I refused the pillow

Youll hate me by now.

<3 Kiddo Fry"

So, the teen years are going to be smooth sailing, right?

Until,

D :)

Save Me | NaBloPoMo day 29

This morning Port was sleeping soundly way past his normal wake up time when the cat snuck in the room and tried to claim the pillow he was sleeping on. I heard Port fussing and walked in to find him up on all fours in the bed, grunting and growling at the cat while he was still in a half asleep state. He was not a happy guy. I can say I wasn't too happy either - darn cat. You just don't wake a sleeping monster; doesn't she know that??

Later on this morning I heard him happily laughing and squawking (yes, he squawks, and grunts and growls - so what of it?) and I came in to find he had set up this dinosaur invasion on the cat. She was not amused and she told me so by swishing her tail rapidly when I looked at her. 

Haha! Take that, kitty cat! ;)

I am feeling better today - who ever it was that said a prayer for me, thank you. I felt it, and it worked. Some good things happened today and I really, really needed it. I am so thankful for His grace.

Until,

D :)

The Heart of Life | NaBloPoMo day 28

I am feeling discouraged today, and hormonal, and a little too....real for my liking. I feel like I am running 90 miles an hour, working waaaay too hard and spinning my wheels, and at the same time sitting here doing nothing, waiting on something to happen. I am trying to trust, trust, trust when all my being is telling me to just take over and get something done. Make things happen. It feels like the more I try, the less I accomplish. The more I put into my house, the messier it gets. The more I put into my business, the less business I get. I feel a tremendous amount of weight on my shoulders.

But I have to have faith. I have to trust. I have to let go and not worry. This is what I am commanded to do, and this is what I strive for. But the day to day, today, is just wearing me down.

Yesterday I was having a hard time with the kiddos and I had been reduced to yelling. I hate getting like that; sometimes it seems like the only thing that gets the boys to do anything around here. At one point, after particularly upsetting Port, he came to me and asked to be picked up. He is still my little cuddly guy. I picked him up and he got on his knees in my lap so he could look me straight in the eye and he said, "Mummai, I want you to be nice to me."

ugh

The guilt just crushed me.

He threw his arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hugs. He hugged and hugged and hugged, and even threw in a sweet kiss or two before he snuggled down in my lap and cradled my arm.  Of course, I just melted into a big ol' blob of adoration for my sweet boy and within less than a minute he had fallen asleep.

I wish I had a big lap to snuggle into when I was having a hard day. I wish that I could just ask the world to "be nice to me" and give it a hug or two and all would be better.

Until,
D