Spell | NaBloPoMo day 26

Here we are almost all the way through the month - I can't believe I have made it this far. And it really was relatively easy, mainly because for once, I didn't really think too hard about what to blog about. Now of course, that makes for a lot of "this is what I did today" sort of boring posts, but very few of you all still read my little blog anymore so I guess I don't have to strive too much for literary greatness in every post...

not that I ever did that in the first place. anywho.....

I have to say I am pretty proud of myself this week. I actually let. something. go.  Haha! I didn't think I was capable. And it may only be temporary, but for now it feels pretty good. For the past couple of years I have been on this bizarre, mid-life crisis truth quest, and while it's been liberating and exhilarating, at the same time it has caused me a lot of stress and strife. It is a struggle to live like this, seeking truth from everything and everyone, when everything and everyone else doesn't function that way.  There just isn't a lot of truth in this world. We have all been lied to and have lied about so many things for so long that the lies have become the truth. So often I find myself not knowing what to believe anymore.

So this week I was faced with deciding to stick up for what I know to be the truth, or to let it go and just let people believe what they want to and tell themselves whatever it takes to feel ok. It is hard. It is not something I like doing these days. I have very little tolerance for it right now, but after hashing it out over and over for a few days I just decided it's not worth it. So for now, I have let it go. And I hope that the effort it took to do that is worth the headache it caused me (and a couple of close friends - sorry!).  It really just boils down to the fact that I have too much crazy in my own head to have to try to tame someone else's.

So anyway, now Thanksgiving is over we plow head first into the landslide to Christmas. And suddenly my totally open calendar is filled with meetings and get togethers and baking and crafting (cuz there will sadly be no buying this year) and photography sessions and seeing old friends, meeting new babies and supporting friends and family during transition. But isn't that life all the time? Why does it suddenly seem like everything is crammed into 4 short weeks?

I love this song - it's one of those I get lost in in the midst of the chaos that is constantly in my head. I can totally relate to the lyrics, and I miss those moments being on stage and having people in my spell, if only for a moment. I wish it were so easy to capture someone's attention. There are a couple of people I would absolutely love to be able to "have" for just few minutes, just to say the things I need to say.

Until,
D :)



Spotlight shining brightly 
on my face 
I can't see a thing 
and yet I feel you looking my way 

Empty stage 
With nothing but this girl 
Who's singing this simple melody 
And wearing her heart on her sleeve 

And right now 
I have you 
For a moment I can tell I've got you 
Cause your lips don't move 
And something is happening 
Cause your eyes tell me the truth 
I've put a spell over you 

Beauty emanates from every 
word that you say 
And captured the deepest thoughts 
in the purest and simplest of ways 
But you see 
I'm not that graceful 
Like you 
Nor am I as eloquent 
But just a simple melody 
Can change the way that you see me 

And right now 
I have you 
For a moment I can tell I've got you 
Cause your lips don't move 
And something is happening 
Cause your eyes tell me the truth 
I've put a spell over you 

And all my life I've stumbled 
But up here i am just perfect 
Perfect as I'll ever be 

I have you 
For a moment I can tell I've got you 
Cause your lips don't move 
And something is happening 
Cause your eyes tell me the truth 
I've put a spell over you

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room | NaBloPoMo day 5

I often feel like I am slow dancing in a burning room (a great song by John Mayer, by the way). But this song (it's John Mayer day!) has popped up on my Pandora station twice today - I absolutely love it. I can sooooo relate to this song too!


If you are a listener of the podcast I co-host, you know that I tend to talk my way through and then around things and say what I feel and then backtrack/justify a ton trying not to offend anyone. But so many times, when I finally get the nerve to say what I really feel, I just can't stop myself. It's like opening flood gates. The good thing is, that the people that are my close friends know that I never mean any harm or judgement in what I say, and that anything that is my opinion is just that, mine. You don't have to agree with me, and if you don't, I am ok with that. How I feel is how I feel. The bad thing is, I often misjudge the "closeness" of some of my friendships and feel comfortable saying what I feel when I shouldn't. The older I get, the less I like having to censor myself. 
And sometimes I just can't shut up. I have conversations in my head, long after the subject has been laid to rest or abandoned. It drives me nuts, but often in those conversations I find the truth I was trying to speak in the first place. That part is great, but unfortunately by then it is usually too late to speak it. That's the worst.
I am at such an odd place in life right now. This year has been so hard and it isn't getting better any time soon. I am eagerly awaiting the new year on a false hope that "starting fresh" will make things better, when I know the reality is that it won't. Turning the calendar over to January 1 isn't going to make my problems go away. So there is a hope and a dread all wrapped up in one pretty bow in my head. I am pretty sure that on top of all this, I am in full on mid-life crisis mode. It makes dealing with the day to day stuff pretty trying. While part of me is trying to be this confident adult that I should and can be right now, part of me is still clinging for dear life to the 18 year old in my head.  I want to just be able to be myself (the grownup) and say what I feel when I feel it (the 18 year old). Sadly, not everyone is comfortable with that.
I hope that I can soon find a peace about life that I am currently lacking. Or, if I can't, I hope I can find a way to make changes that will help me feel better about my life and find the contentment that I seek. And along the way, I would like to find at least one or two people that can handle me - all of me - the happy, the sad, the stupid and the funny, the moody, the foodie, the earthiness, the height of me and the skinniness and...the stupid mouth. 
Until,D :)

Come Away with Me

I can't make this stuff up.

I know I complain a lot - it's part of my personality that I am trying to change and staying positive is really a challenge for me. Especially now, with everything that is going on - well, you know. So I tell you this today not because I am complaining or because I want some sort of sympathy, it's really because it is just so tragically funny that I have to tell someone, because I don't believe it myself. This is truly, pretty much a "typical" day for me lately.

Yesterday I wrote a post on the subject of clean eating and my immediate struggles with the 30 day challenge. But what I didn't tell you were the small details and obstacles I had to overcome in order to maintain a positive attitude and stay on track, just in the time span of yesterday afternoon. And trust me, I did vent, and whine, and moan and groan to 1 person, only because I couldn't contain myself and I know that she will still love me today when it is all just passing trouble. (you know who you are, and thank you, I love you!)

Yesterday, on the whole, wasn't too bad. I spent the better part of the day at a friend's house with little Port; a weekly thing she and I and one other stay at home mom have started doing in an effort to have a "work" day for us where we can get something done, still have a friend to talk to if we need it, and have a place for the wee ones to play where they will be, for the most part, out of our collective hair. ;) So far, it is working out great, and I look forward to going each week. So that part went well, and we all filed out of her house right in time to go pick up our school aged kids from school.  Port and I headed to Kiddo's school, and arrived about 8 minutes before the dismissal bell. We had to sit in line on the main road (the whole pick up procedure saga is a post for another time, but let's just say, it was not ideal), but I was hoping the wait wouldn't be too long. After about 15 minutes, the line began to move and we all eased our cars closer to the school, inch by inch.

I have found there are 3 types of drivers in traffic like this. The Few - drivers that remain a safe distance from the car in front of them and maintain pretty good focus and attention when inching their car along the way. The Annoying - those that stay 20 feet back from the car in front of them, don't pay attention when the line moves forward because they are busy fixing makeup, digging in their purse, turned around swatting at the child behind them or playing Bejeweled on their phone (which isn't supposed to be in use in the school zone anyway...). And the Impatient - those that inch their car up, literally, by the inch, and they are so close to the back of my car they practically could see my Bejeweled score on my phone...er uh, they could reach out and touch my car. The Impatient has somewhere very important to be that is not where they are, and they should have been there an hour ago, so God forbid anyone get in their way because given the chance, they will Run. You. Over.

I had an Impatient behind me in the pick up line. And even though I tried to stay a close but safe distance behind the car in front of me, and I made sure to move up at any and every opportunity, the Impatient didn't think I was going fast enough and 2 minutes after the line began to move...

She rear-ended me.

Oh yes she did.

Thankfully, she basically just tapped the luggage rack we have in the tow hitch on the back of the car, so no damage was done. But the Impatient didn't know it was there because she was trying to EAT my back bumper. So of course we had to park our cars, get out, smile apologetically at each other, inspect the damage, laugh, mumble something of concern like "are you alright?" and then back away from each other and hastily retreat to our vehicles before the line moved up enough that someone could cut in front of us.  Good times.

Two minutes after that, the a/c compressor on my car began to cut in and out rapidly, and the car started to over heat.

Day number 86 (85? 423? I've lost count) of over 100 degree temps in Austin and the time was up on my a/c usage. It was a hot ride home. Top it off with Port screaming the WHOLE way because we only picked up one boy at school. He wanted to pick up 2 boys (Kiddo and his buddy). His whole world was ending and we all got to listen to it. Can someone say tired??

Ah home, the place where you can get away from the craziness and relax with your loved ones... NOT.

We get home and soon after I discover that the soap door on the dishwasher somehow got stuck and the soap packet I had put in it didn't dissolve, leaving my dishes completely filthy. So instead of cleaning the horribly messy kitchen in preparation for the evening's dinner, I had to rerun the previous night's dish load (and try not to look at the kitchen mess that was driving me bonkers). Also, the load of laundry I had run the day before sat too long and mildewed, so I had to run it again. We had a friend over for the boys to play with and about 10 minutes in, they were running around and somehow hit the pull chain on the ceiling fan in Kiddo's room, sending it shooting up into the fan blades, ripping off the tire at the end of the chain, shooting it across the room and under the bed, and then tangling up the chain so tightly around the stem of the fan that it pulled the lights to the off position and I could NOT get it untangled. While I was trying to get it unwound from the fan, Port pulled a cup of water off a top book shelf (why was it even in the room???) and poured it all over himself and all the toys all over the floor. This dousing led to him screaming at the top of his lungs and my last frazzled nerve spontaneously combusted.

Five minutes after that, Kiddo set a chair on top of a rock he found at school (and had left on my living room floor) and then drug the chair across the floor, cutting a nice, squiggly groove in the hard wood.  At that point, I was ready to throw in the towel. I sat down to settle my head (and vent to the above mentioned friend) and I got a nose bleed. Joy.

Like I said, I just can't make this stuff up. Writing it all out feels silly - but it's just so dang funny. I felt like Niles in that crazy scene on Fraiser (I know, I am dating myself here) - remember it? The one where he tries to iron his pants, cuts his finger and ends up starting a fire?  I've shared the clip on here before, but it was a few years ago. Well, here, enjoy a thankfully much faster paced snippet from my life these days (only without the fancy apartment and snooty friends...)


Until,
D :)

Satisfied

This is one of my favorite all time songs and I had forgotten about it until Pandora blessed me with it tonight. I think I have shared it here before, but I think it's worth sharing again, 'cause we all need reminding sometimes... Have a great weekend!

First, the lyrics...

If you love somebody
You better let it out
Don’t hold it back
While you’re trying to figure it out
Don’t be timid
Don’t be afraid to hurt
Run toward the flame, run toward the fire
Hold on for all your worth

Cause the only real pain
Your heart can never know
Is the sorrow of regret
When you don’t let your feelings show
So did you say it?
Did you mean it?
Did you lay it on the line, did you make it count?
Did you look ‘em in the eye & did they feel it?
Did you say in time?
Did you say out loud?
Cause if you did Hun
Then you lived some
And that feeling inside
That's called satisfied

Busy people walkin’ by
Can’t help but worry some
So many things to do
So little love gets done
Empty hearts everywhere
Drowning but dying of thirst
If we want love, it’s not that tough
Start by giving it first

It's easy to give
Baby can't you see
Just close your eyes open your heart
And do what comes naturally
So did you say it?
Did you mean it?
Did you lay it on the line, did you make it count?
Did you look ‘em in the eye & did they feel it?
Did you say in time?
Did you say out loud?
Cause if you did Hun
Well then you lived some
And that feeling inside
That’s called satisfied

Horses were built to run
And the sun was meant to shine above
Flowers were made to bloom
Then there’s us
We were born
To love
We were born
To love

So did you say it?
Did you mean it?
Did you lay it on the line?

So did you say it?
Did you mean it?
Did you lay it on the line, did you make it count?
Did you look ‘em in the eye & did they feel it?
Did you say in time?
Did you say out loud…
Because if you did Hun
Well then you lived some
And that feeling inside
That's called satisfied

The beautiful Jewel singing Satisfied.

Hallelujah

Geeze it feels like we skipped November entirely! I can't believe December is here already. It's time to really get moving, get stuff done and take on all the extra that comes in preparing for the holidays.

I need to trim the hedges out front so we can put up lights, clean out the house a lot more so there is room for decorations inside, and do all the extra cleaning that goes into having people come to visit. For almost 2 solid weeks around Christmas we will have family in town. It will be a crazy time for sure.

And of course I need to get on with all the baking and such that I am prone to do. I will be making several batches of home made cinnamon rolls in various flavors, coconut balls and Christmas cookies galore.  I waaaay overdo things around the holidays. It's already started; last week I made a banana pudding and this week I will be making an apple pie (due to some fruit I bought for Thanksgiving week and then accidentally left at home).  I suppose we have to work our way into the sugar frenzy.

As I mentioned yesterday, the holiday music has already made it's appearance in the house. I have loaded up my phone with my entire collection and it has brought me such joy. Something else came across my facebook feed today that I wanted to share. It brought me to tears (though I cry at everything).  This, in my opinion, is the best kind of flash mob...


Enjoy!

Until,
D :)

Collide

I was adding a few things to my Amazon wish list this morning (it is Cyber Monday afterall!) and I decided to fill out the little info box on a few of the items, just to help people who might be shopping for me this Christmas.  Most of the stuff on my list is strictly for ideas - not necessarily the exact items I want should someone be so inclined to make a purchase.

Anyway, a couple of the things were pretty basic. Some of the things on there are for the boys, so my comments were general. Then I filled out the comments on some of my things. And I noticed that all of my comments went something like, "mine broke/fell apart/wore out so I need another one".  How sad. lol!

I guess I am dealing with a lot of broken things right now. Stuff, people, hearts...sometimes it is all overwhelming. And today I am feeling the weight, especially in the people and hearts category. There is so much sadness in this world. Every day there are people out there that do good deeds that go unnoticed, or worse it seems it's all for naught. But I have to keep reminding myself that there is good in everything. Even if the outcome seems bad, somewhere along the way lives were affected, people changed, memories made.  And when sad things happen I have to look beyond the immediate and search for the bigger meaning in it all.

We are all broken.  We are all messed up in one way or another. And life is a constant battle between doing the good that is naturally in our hearts and giving in to the also naturally occurring anger, the sin and the defeat that we face in so many aspects of our lives. When bad things happen we want to give up, give in and stop doing the good. Because it seems so pointless sometimes. But you just never know how your actions affect the world. Life is much bigger than all of us. I firmly believe that good brings about good, always. 

As I am writing this, Howie Day is playing on Pandora - the song is Collide. The lyrics identified by my brain, cutting through all the noise in there...

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

When taken completely out of context of the song as a whole, it kind of illustrates my point. And that is, no matter the good we do, the effort we put in or how successful our efforts seem, sometimes bad things happen.  Things that don't make sense suddenly are the truth. And even if it shakes you and tears your world apart, in a bigger way that we may not even understand, the good has still been done. And in that good, we collide.

Across the room, across the state, the country or even the world - we are connected in ways we may never understand.

Until,
D :)

And just because the song is really pretty, I'll post it if you want to listen.

Bring Me To Life

 {beautiful sky, shot with my iPhone, somewhere outside of Crowley, Louisiana}

I am sitting here tonight eating some banana pudding. This is a fantastic recipe! I usually just make banana pudding with nilla wafers, bananas and well, pudding. I never would have thought to add anything to that. But holy moly, adding cream cheese?!?! Genius!

Anyway, we came home today after a very long 4 day trip and I am just flat out exhausted.  I had to make banana pudding tonight because I accidentally left a huge bunch of bananas here instead of taking them on the trip like I had planned. Port eats bananas a lot - they are one of the few things he will eat on a regular basis so I try to keep some in the house at all times. I left the bananas and the other fruit I bought for him (grapes and apples) here and when we got back today the whole bunch was on the verge of being too ripe.  My freezer is already full of over ripe bananas that I will someday use for banana bread, but I didn't want to toss these in there too so I made the pudding. So yummy!

It was fun visiting with the family but I am so glad to be home.  I don't much care for living out of a suitcase (or in this case a duffel bag. I don't own a suitcase!).  Tomorrow I get to spend the better part of my morning with a beautiful newborn boy as I am doing a newborn session. I am so excited! I also have another newborn session in Dallas coming up sometime in the next week or so.

Some day I will have a chance to sit down and breathe. I am thinking it will be sometime around February.

Until,
D :)

Mental Jukebox Selection today: Evanescence, Bring Me To Life. I can't get this one out of my head today.

Flash

Tonight Hubby and I had the opportunity to get out by ourselves for a little bit.  We headed down to the local mall and took a short walk in the freezing cold.  Then we ended up at the Cheesecake Factory afterward for something warm to drink and yummy to eat. I was checking my Facebook on my phone and saw that there was a recent flash mob on 6th street. Hubby didn't know what a flash mob was, so I looked up a couple of YouTube videos for him to watch.

I thought you all might be interested as well, so I linked up a video below. I think they are so cool and would love to see one in person.

Enjoy!
Until,
D :)

Glee Flash Mob in Seattle.

Head On

Another day, another post forgotten until it's too late for me to think. I promise to be more on top of things tomorrow. Today just had too many errands, whiny kids, dirty dogs, smelly diapers and dirty dishes.

I pulled up to Kiddo's school today to pull into my usual parking spot so I could pick him up and as soon as I turned off the car my phone rang. It was the school nurse.  The moment she told me who she was, my heart stopped. Kiddo was in her office, but thankfully it was only for a bump on the head.

That's pretty sad when you are thankful for a head bonk.

He got hit with a locker door and has a pretty good little goose egg on his forehead. I am so thankful that my first call from the nurse did not involve epi pens or medical assistance. *shew!*

So that was the excitement for the day.

And with that, I am taking my weary body to bed. I will leave you with today's mental jukebox song.

Lovely, by Sara Haze


Until,
D :)

Where I Stood

I cannot count the number of times in my life I have wished there was a way to record all the thoughts in my head. I get to thinking about something and is swirls around and swirls around and works itself out to the point that it sounds so good - and of course at that moment the thoughts are perfect and I have no way of getting them out of my head and in written or recorded form.  It is frustrating. Often I think of things so deeply that even if I can sit down to write, I can't make it come out the right way.  Or the thoughts are so complex with so many layers that I couldn't possibly express them in a way that makes sense. 

I am not trying to say I am highly intelligent or anything, but my thoughts sometimes go into great detail that I find fascinating to me. And based on the response I get from my blog readers and the podcast listeners and my other various outlets, I am sure there is an audience that would appreciate them.  But it kills me that they may never be heard. I need you to just get in my head and sit around there for a while, listening and looking at the pretty pictures my thoughts create. I think it would be interesting.

I know that at some point technology will find a way, but for now I have to sit down at the computer each day and desperately try to remember what it was I wanted to talk about and how to say it. And so many times, while I am doing something else, I find myself thinking of the perfect post from start to finish and then I sit down to write it and with the click of the first keys, poof! It is gone.

That is how this post came to be. It was perfect in my head when I was standing in the kitchen making Kiddo's lunch a minute ago, and when I finished that and sat down to write I couldn't remember a darn thing about what I wanted to say, except for the part about getting in my head. I should have been recording a voice memo into my phone while I was making his sandwich.

Darn it.

I guess I will try again tomorrow.

For tonight though, I will let you in on a little corner of my brain. It's over there to the left, where the jukebox is sitting. Today's selection has been playing on repeat all day. It came up on my iPhone shuffle this morning and has been with me ever since.

Where I Stood, Missy Higgins




Until,
D :)

Throwing It All Away

So today I tossed out 419 pieces of paper that the kids have drawn on. Most of it was Kiddo's drawings.  I kept about 30 that were really great/unusual/memorable and tossed the rest. Several coloring books were tossed as well.

419. Yes, I counted.

It's not that I intentionally counted, but I just kept a running tally in my head, counting as each piece went into the trash bag, much like I counts the steps I take or measures in music.

What you don't count your steps everywhere you go? Oh, must just be me then.

The music measures, well that would be the result of years and years of training.

Anyway, the pages filled a 33 gallon trash bag.  Please don't get onto me about recycling them or shredding them or all that - if I waited until I got around to shredding, it would never happen.  If I could figure out all the rules for recycling paper and then had to sort all the pages based on whether it was colored paper or marked on with marker, crayon or pencil, or if I had to sort based on the presence of glue or staples or whatnot.... yeah, the stacks would still be sitting there.

I try to be as "green" as I possibly can, most of the time. But right now I am just going with the momentum I am feeling and getting rid of stuff.

Baby steps.

I also cleaned out a fully packed-to-the-gills-running-over 13 gallon trash can full of plastic shopping bags and took them all to the recycling bin at HEB.  I completely filled their bin. My apologies to HEB.  At least I was able to do the right thing with those. Of course, then we got home and Port had a poop-tastic diaper. A plastic bag would have come in handy to dispose it. Thankfully I had a plastic bag full of onions, fresh from the store.  It worked just fine.

Aren't you glad I talk about poopy diapers?

The weirdest thing happened today when I was at the grocery store with Port. We were in the frozen food section and he was babbling away, making no sense but just happy as a clam, when out of the blue he screams, "My ear!! My ear!!" He whined in pain and laid his head down on the cart. I looked at him and rubbed his head and didn't see anything alarming or unusual. Almost as quickly he sat up and was fine. I thought he may have had a brief ear ache or something; he's had a lot of sinus drainage lately.  I had pretty much forgotten the whole thing until we got out to the car and I put him in his car seat. That was when I noticed his ear was swollen and red.  Upon closer inspection, I discovered a spot that looked like a pin hole.  It was as if someone had poked him with a needle.

I have no idea what got him. There wasn't anyone else in the isle that I can recall and I certainly didn't see any flying insects. My best guess is that he was bit by a spider, but the hole was really big.  I can't imagine what kind of spider could leave that large of a puncture wound and not be seen in the process.

Ahh the mysteries of HEB...

I shall leave you with the mental jukebox song of the day. A friend introduced me to the tune, and now I can't get it out of my head.

Until,
D :)

Dear John, Taylor Swift

Apologies

I am getting into the rush of things now and the big clock that sits in the front of my head counting down to the end of the year is ticking quite loudly. My brain, most of the time, is now filled with not only the jukebox selection of the day (Apologies by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, in case you were wondering; video at the end of this post if you care to listen) but a running list of all the things I need to do, purchase, create and avoid for the next 2 months. Because, quite frankly, October is over and in my world I am officially in the "holiday season".

May as well pull out the Christmas music. Mwahahaha!

Anyway, I realized this morning that November starts next week which means that my yearly NaBloPoMo quest begins.  So, you have something to look forward to - a post every day for the month of November! Woot!

Sorry.

Hopefully I can keep things interesting, but as you know, if you've been following my blog for more than a year, NaBloPoMo often forces me to talk about the daily mundane things just to get a post out. But I will try to do better this year.

I always try to do better. It doesn't always work.

So I've been meaning to blog about my cloth diaper experience in the past couple of months.  I have always been a big advocate of cloth diapering. I cloth diapered Kiddo until he potty trained. I loved using cloth, Kiddo was much more comfortable in them and we rarely had issues with diaper rash or anything else.  So with Port, I cloth diaper too.  I am able to use the same diapers I used on Kiddo (saving me TONS of money) and it works out pretty well.  Port is susceptible to diaper rash and for some reason the cloth doesn't help that (it actually has almost an opposite effect) so I have to change him the instant he gets wet or he will break out.  But now, he is so stubborn about being changed that it is really becoming a pain to get him to cooperate for a diaper change 4-6 times a day.  Teething brings out those wonderful, frequent, messy poops too and the cloth diapers...well they just aren't cutting it anymore.

Because he hates being changed so bad, he fights me and runs away and denies he needs one for as long as he possibly can. It has come to the point that, unless he was poopy, he is only getting changed about twice a day. And anyone that cloth diapers knows that you pretty much have to wash every 2, 3 days tops or the diapers get real ugly real quick.  But when we are only using 2-3 diapers a day (we've always used sposies at night), it doesn't make sense to wash every 2-3 days because there's not even enough to make a small load. But then I let the diapers go a little too long a couple of times and getting all that clean and sanitary again was disgusting and a headache to say the least.

Sooooooo, about 2 months ago I quit cloth diapering.

I feel pretty bad about it, but it is just easier at this point.

And I am kind of debating whether or not to go ahead and try to sell the diapers I have. They are still in great condition (especially the smaller ones), but I know that diapers have really come a long way since 6 years ago when I bought them.  But, on the very, very slim chance we have another baby some day, I don't really want to have to buy another set. Slim, slim, slim...

So - anyone out there interested in a barely used set of Medium sized Fuzzi Bunz or a slightly more loved and used set of Large Fuzzi Bunz? I wonder if I can even get anything for them at this point.  I also have a few other kinds of cloth diapers that are in even better condition because I used them even less. And a couple have never been used.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In other news, I met up with my friend Jen and we took the boys to the pumpkin patch on Monday. I had to get those yearly pics in before all the pumpkins were gone. Of course, we chose by far the windiest day of the year to go. Thank goodness I don't have long haired little boys!

This first shot is a crop from one where Port is standing in front of Kiddo. I just stop and stare when I see this image. Kiddo looks so grown up! ugh!

 Is it really too much to ask for SOMEONE to look at me?? Really?? Hello?!? Look at Mommy!!!!

Look at Mommy, boys!

Seriously, look at me! Look at the camera! Look over here!! Boys!! Kiddo! Port! Look at Mommy! Where's Mommy?!? Hey!!!

I give up. 

Until,
D :)

Taking Chances

*crickets*

Yeah, I know. That last post was a bit strange and weird. I don't blame you for not commenting. I mean, it probably was a lot to decipher. Maybe it was that I posted on a Wednesday and you all are used to me chiming in on Monday.

I am still working on that Monday post...

So, here it is Friday and I am feeling trapped under the weight of too much responsibility.  Yesterday was such an emotional day. I had to order a medical alert bracelet for Kiddo and a special pouch to for him so he could carry his epi-pens. And of course, in doing that it sparked all kinds of conversation with him about his allergy and what it will be like managing that in school.

It is impossible to gently speak to a 5 year old about his mortality.

I can't lie to him. I can't tell him that he won't die if he eats peanuts.  I mean, I pray he won't, but it is always a possibility and he knows that.  And while he expresses that part of it with such ease at times, there are moments when the reality of it bears down on his little chest and he breaks down.  He cried a lot yesterday. I held back a lot of tears of my own.

I have to take him to have his blood drawn so they can test the severity of his allergy. He is pretty scared about that too.  He is usually so brave about shots and the like, but something about them taking his blood is freaking him out. Personally, I don't blame him.

So in talking to him yesterday I could tell that while he is excited about school, he is also terrified. But not in the way a normal kid gets afraid of something new.  He is terrified about dealing with his allergy there and not having anyone "to watch out for him".  He is taking the responsibility all on his little shoulders and it rips me up.  Of course I want him to be diligent about looking out for himself, but at the same time I want him to know that there will be lots of people there looking out for him too. I don't want him to fear everything in the name of being "careful" but I don't want him living haphazardly and not paying attention to possible dangers either.

It is too much to ask of such a small child. It really is. I feel so bad that he has to take on this responsibility. No child should have to fear dying from contacting a food that 98% of the population consume in some form weekly.

So there was all that - and then last night was also Elementary Orientation.

It was strange to say the least. I did not expect to walk in to be greeted first by the principal herself and then directed to tables where people ask you to buy things.

Really?

You have to pay to join the PTA.

Really?

You have to pay to participate in the volunteer program for dads.

Really?

You should by a school shirt for your student.

Ok, so I can kind of understand that one, but my head was still spinning from the PTA... and the fact that the "hot mom" was still speaking to my husband about volunteering. And batting her eyelashes. And standing a little too close... anyway...

Thank goodness I don't carry cash. Though it was a bit awkward to walk away from the table without being the dutiful parent and signing up for everything.

The dad behind the Watch Dog (the dad volunteer program) table was someone I knew, but I couldn't place him. I hate it when that happens.  And of course, a normal person would approach him and say something like "have we met? you look so familiar." but I am not normal. So I tried to steal glances at him discreetly and I have been wracking my brain ever since trying to figure out how I know him.  The best I can figure he either worked at or was a member at the country club I used to work for. But that doesn't seem right either. It's going to bug me until I figure it out. Maybe he goes to our church?? Yup, I think that is it.

So we got a tour of the school, saw the playground and the cafeteria and the library and the Kinder hall.  I now know where drop off is and where I can park on the first couple of days if I want to walk Kiddo to his class (which ought to be real interesting with the Port in tow). The school is setting up a Mommies and Muffins room for all the crying moms on the first day. The school principal told us we shouldn't cry while we are with our kiddos, that we should put on a brave face and a happy smile.

I was holding back tears while she was saying that. Yeah, I am doomed.

I am never going to get out of that room without crying. Maybe I should warn Kiddo ahead of time.


On a good note, the earlier bed time for the boys is going really well. Thank God. Next week I will be waking up earlier and getting them up and dressed first thing in the morning as practice for school. Lord help me.

Until,
D :)

River God

Cuteness today:

Port standing in the pantry pulling each item off the shelf and saying, "wan dis? noooo. wan dis? noooo." At least he was putting everything back where it was supposed to go.

Earlier, he was eating a hot dog and spinning in circles. He would spin a couple of times, then stop and with a huge grin on his face and hot dog sticking out between his teeth he would say "I silly! I silly!"

When we arrived at church on Sunday we were a bit late. I was walking with Kiddo and Hubby was behind us walking with Port. Hubby was telling Port that we needed to hurry because we were late. As we walked in the front doors, Port yells, "we LATE!". His voice was so enthusiastic and adorable.

When he brought me a crayon, I told Port it was green. He said "oooh geeeen!" then looked at me and yelled "It's not LELLOW!"

Port is at that adorable and frustrating age where everything he does say is so incredibly cute, and everything he can't say brings him serious anger and frustration. He is a hitter and a head butter and I am really struggling to keep him from hurting himself and his brother when his temper flares. He's going to be a great football player or wrestler some day. I have a feeling contact sports are going to be his thing.



This will be published late, but since it was technically Monday when I started, I should post some gratitudes (lookie there I made up a new word!).

1. my sweet Hubby, who made Mother's Day weekend so very lovely this year. We went out to dinner Friday night, he brought me a cake Saturday night after the boys went to bed, and Sunday Kiddo gave me the card he made, and Hubby gave me his "card", a $5 Starbucks gift card. He totally rocks!
2. my friends, who, when I really need it, bring me drinks from Sonic and special coffee from their trips - I love them so much and thank God for them every day. Specifically, Kim, who is such a sweet person and an amazing friend. I cannot tell her that enough!
3. my God, my Savior, my Redeemer! I have to praise Him every day! It is so amazing to me that when I am totally down and out, He surrounds me with people that lift me up and with words of encouragement everywhere I turn. And I am so thankful to be "just a little smoother in His hands".
4. podcasts - haha! I know it seems silly, but this whole new world of podcasting has led me to some of the most amazing people and experiences! I am so excited to see where this experience takes Kim and I in the future.

Hope you all have a blessed week!

Until,
D :)

River God - Nicole Nordeman

Still Alright

I am here, I promise. I am just currently buried under about 5 feet of tax paperwork. All my utility bills, all my receipts, logs, client folders, order invoices, etc. I will hopefully find my way out tomorrow.

Things are looking up from my last posting. Port's issues have subsided, the weather was once again gorgeous today and this weekend is shaping up to be fantastically busy. Friday night, the Musing Mommies Podcast is celebrating our 1 year anniversary with a live show on Ustream. We will be answering listener's questions and comments in real time, giving away prizes and having a great time. So if you are a MuMo listener, or if you just want to log in to watch and listen to us record a live show, click on that link above sometime after 8:30PM tomorrow night. We would love to have you! I can't wait!

I have some important business stuff to take care of tomorrow as well, and I am hoping the boys behave for me. On Saturday I am going out again to scout for locations for some upcoming sessions and afterward I am hoping to stop by the new farmer's market opening in Cedar Park. I am so excited to have something like this close by, finally! I can't wait to check it out.

So anyway, I just wanted to check in. Hopefully I can find some time to post some this weekend.

Until,
D

The Song Remembers When

I have had an iPhone for almost 2 months now and I am just now getting around to putting some music on it. The ability for it to store so much and act as a super mp3 player is one of it's best features, and I have yet to utilize it.

So for the past couple of days I have been digging up all my cds and uploading them to iTunes and then syncing my phone. It has been quite the wonderful process - I am rediscovering so much music that I had forgotten about. It has been quite the trip down memory lane as well. I am sadly reliving a lot of my high school memories, the little good and the lot bad, but amazingly, while the music brings me there and reminds me, it also helps me rise above it and float away on a happy little cloud.

No, not that kind of happy little cloud...boop boop shoop shoop...

But anyway, I've been enjoying all the old music. Even the stuff I am embarrassed to own. lol! I just love how it makes me feel, the thoughts it invokes, the inspiration it provides. I love how it motivates me and makes me smile and gets me moving. I tolerate the boys better, I get more housework done and I just enjoy the day more.

One of my extremely talented photog friends, Kevin Gourley, always posts the most wonderful quotes on his Facebook page. Usually they are quotes from other people (I am particularly loving the Winnie the Pooh series he's been posting lately) but today he posted in his own words...

"Sometimes I suspect "heaven" is simply made up of music. Music is an art form that touches our souls, transcends this world..."

I just love that! Music really can elevate you almost to another dimension. To me, listening to great music is like having a little slice of heaven on earth.

Of course, everyone has their own idea of great music. ;-)

You know how I mentioned a while back that Hubby retrieved an iPod off the road after he saw it fall off the top of someone's car? Well, about a week later was the TORCH (Texas Off-Roaders for Christ) Christmas party. At the party, they had a raffle and door prizes and Hubby just happened to win a speaker set with an amp that plugs into mp3 players. It is a super nice set, perfect for hooking up an iPod and playing some tunes. Some people have all the luck...

Anyway, he brought it into our living room the other day so he could play his iPod, and today I was able to hook up my iPhone to it. It was soooo cool! I was singing all afternoon. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Our cd collection needs a serious overhaul. I found so many empty cases, and cds in the wrong case; it was insane! I opened up my Norah Jones case to find some weird cd of Canadian harp music! (yes, you read that right) Canadian harp music?!?!? really??? Oh yes. Neither Hubby nor I have ever seen that cd before, so I am not sure how it got in there.

At least, Hubby claims he's never seen it before...

So now that I have dug up all my old tunes and am excited about music again, I am looking for a new cd to add to my collection. I have a credit at Amazon...any suggestions? What are you totally digging right now? It doesn't have to be a new artist either. I recently discovered Alison Krauss, but I am not loving any one particular cd. There are lots of individual songs of hers that I love though.

I can't wait to hear about the music you listen to!

Until,
D :)

One Of Those Things

Well today Port napped, but he was a cranky gus all day so it really didn't matter. I actually had to put him in time out 3 times for hitting! Good grief. He is definitely my fiery one.

Kiddo has been in rare form lately. I don't know what has come over him - maybe his Sunday school teacher said something that spoke to him or maybe his angel finally climbed back up on his right shoulder, but he has been pretty darn good these past few days. He has picked up his room each night after only being told once or, in one case, not at all. He's been much better about doing what he's been asked and being helpful to me. He's really been super sweet.

Still annoying with all the questions and the constant talking, but sweet nonetheless.

Twice today I had to say something to him though, that started with this: "You know, when you are in school, you won't be able to ___".

Ugh. It makes my heart sink just thinking about it.

We still haven't figured out what we are going to do or where we want him to go yet. And kindergarten registration is only a couple of months away.

I don't want him to go.

I want him to stay with me. I want to homeschool him myself.

I have a lot of selfish reasons for wanting to homeschool, and a lot of unselfish reasons. But the majority of the reasons center around sheltering and protecting him, which, while that might be good in some ways, it will ultimately be bad. I know he needs more socialization. He needs time away from me. I just wish public school wasn't our only option. It is not what I want for him at. all. At. All. At. All.

*sigh*

I can't even think about it without getting all upset.

Until,
D

No Such Thing

"...I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above"

Today Port slept in until 9:15. Of course, it was one of the rare days I was trying to get somewhere before 10AM. And, I thought because he slept so long he would be in a great mood today. On the contrary, he was quite a turd most of the day.

We made a visit to Julia's house. She wanted me to come by to have a look at some things she had been gathering to give away - tons and tons of gorgeous blankets and things I could use for newborn photo sessions! I couldn't believe it - I now have more props and blankets and fun stuff than I could imagine. I am so excited to get to use it all. Julia ROCKS!

Little Port was not too happy when we walked in her house. I think he had a flash back to last week when I dumped, er uh, left him and Kiddo at Jen's house. He clung to me like a sticky booger and would not let me go for the first 15-20 minutes we were there. Poor little guy just trembled the whole time. Once he realized I wasn't going to leave him, he relaxed enough to play with the kids for a few minutes. When it was time to leave he was great; he walked out to the van and got in without any complaints. But for some reason, he did NOT want to get in his seat. He kept trying to get into the drivers seat, and after asking him several times to get in his chair with no cooperation, I had to drag him back and put him in myself. He screamed and fought me and then did the dreaded arching back thing. Ugh. That boy is so strong. When he arches his back like that it is soooo hard to get him to bend! I am afraid I am going to hurt him when he does that. Once I got his back side in the seat, it still took me 5 minutes of wrestling with him to get him clipped. He kept sticking his fingers in the wrong places and I was terrified I would pinch his fingers in the clips.

He screamed the whole way to the bank.

He calmed down once we got to the bank and was fine at the post office and all the way to the grocery store. He did well in the store as long as he had a snack to eat. He didn't even fuss when there were no balloons with suckers waiting at the entrance! But when we got to the check out line that all ended. He wanted to help me unload the basket and put things on the belt. Fine. He wanted to run the card for me and push the buttons on the machine. Fine. He wanted to go play the HEB Buddy game - no way! So the screaming began and he fought me all the way to the car. I had to force him into the seat again and he screamed the whole way home.

He was great when we got home; super sweet even, so I let him stay up a little longer than I normally would before nap time. Then the next thing I knew it was after 3PM and I totally forgot to put him down. He was playing so well it just completely slipped my mind. So I decided to forgo the nap -

ok people, that was soooo not a good idea.

Bed time was awful, horrible, maddening. He fought me tooth and nail to get jammies and diapers on. He screamed all the way to his room and for a long time after I left him there.

He is so not ready to give up naps. He just doesn't know it yet.

Until,
D :)

PS. I need to add one more "Gratitude" to my Gratitude Monday list - I know I mentioned my friend Jen and what a saint she is for watching the boys last week. But I also need to mention her again because I am so truly grateful for her. Not only is she one of the sweetest people I know, she is always willing to help me out when I am in a jam. And, Jen is the one who introduced me to the wedding photographer I second shoot with. If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't have met him and had the amazing experiences I have in wedding photography. So thank you Jen, I am so grateful for you!

Love Story (Marry Me Juliet)

Happy Monday!

What a crazy weekend it was! After a round of a stomach virus early in the week, I was looking forward to some adventure this weekend. Thankfully, I had lots to look forward to as I was hired to second shoot 2 amazing weddings with my friend Allen at Doberenz Photography. Allen is so amazing to work with; he is just the nicest guy and extremely talented.

On Friday, I spent all morning preparing 2 batches of homemade lasagna and a loaf of PW's famous Olive Cheese Bread. I took one pan of lasagna and the bread with the boys over to my friend Jen's house because she so graciously offered to watch them for me (um, watch the boys, not guard the lasagna or anything. lol) . I had to be at the wedding site at 3pm, and there was no way Hubby could get off work that early. I knew that Jen would have my 2 and her 3 boys together right around the normal dinner prep time, so I made the food to take that stress off her. She saved me with the boys - I had to do what I could to thank her! Oh yes, and just so you all know what a saint Jen is - with my boys there she was watching 5 boys, ages 5, 4, 3, almost 2 and 1yr all at the same time!!!

There was a big front coming in so the temps were dropping and the wind was blowing hard and gusty. It was quite the feat getting the boy and all the food out of the van without someone or something blowing away! But I got it all where it needed to go and headed over to the wedding location.

The wedding was gorgeous and the people were really fun. Because of the cold and the wind everything had to be moved inside. It didn't seem to mess anything up though; everything still looked gorgeous! I just fell in love with the venue. The grounds and all the gardens were planted with edible plants. Barr Mansion promotes itself as the nation's first certified organic events facility. As I was walking the grounds, I began to notice some of the plants looked familiar. I saw all kinds of lettuce, garlic, onions, parsley, rosemary, sage, thyme, spinach, broccoli and cauliflower...an endless array of beautiful, edible greenery! The mansion is a zero waste facility, diverting 97% of it's waste stream. Even now, with things being still somewhat brown from the winter, the grounds were beautiful and omg, looked so amazing in pictures!! You can see a sneak peek from Allen here.

I got home sore and exhausted at around 11:30 and fell into bed in a crumpled heap after downing some ibuprofen and a big glass of water. It wasn't enough though; I woke up at 2AM with a severe leg cramp. I really hadn't had the chance to eat or drink much of anything during the day nor at the wedding (I still feel very incomfortable eating when I am working, even if the bride and groom say it's ok. lol) so I guess I was a bit dehydrated. Saturday morning I had to leave at 9 to meet Allen at his house by 10. The wedding that day was in San Antonio.

We drove out to San Antonio and met up with the bridal party at the Westin Resort near Six Flags. They had a gorgeous 2 bedroom suite that held a hair stylist, make up artist, the bride, the mother of the bride and 10, yes 10 bride's maids! There were also a couple other close friends hanging out too. It was pretty chaotic, but a lot of fun. Once everyone was dressed and ready we did some bridals on the resort grounds; the weather - PERFECT. The sun was high which made the light harsh, but we managed to find some great shady spots anyway. After, I stayed with the girls and Allen met up with the guys at the church. I rode over to the church on the shuttle with the girls and hung out with them until go time. The wedding was beautiful! There must have been over 200 people there!

The reception was about 30 minutes away (out in the middle of nowhere) on a ranch. We pulled up to find 3 of the biggest longhorn steers I have ever seen. I was not too certain the wire fence that surrounded their pens was strong enough. The horns on those beasts were at the very least 3 feet long each! We got some amazing group shots in a field next to the arena area. Dodging cow patties was totally worth it for the shots of all 22 of them standing in a gorgeous field with the sun at their backs. I can't wait to see those images!

The ranch was so awesome; the food amazing, the decor absolutely perfect! I loved everything about this reception; from the people to the band to the venue and even the time (it was a short reception - much nicer in my opinion than the long drawn out ones that seem to go on forever). We got all the gear packed up and were back on the road by 11ish and got back to Allen's house around 12:30AM. I got home at about 1:30AM.

Of course, the boys did not sleep in so I was up at 7 and starting to feel the pain. We went to church and came home for lunch and then when Port was napping I headed out to Home Depot and bought about 300 pounds of garden soil and compost. I hauled it all in through the house and into the back yard by myself while Hubby was out letting Kiddo ride his bike.

Needless to say, between the weddings and hauling the dirt, my arms, back and legs are quite sore.

I have had a terrible time staying awake today. The dreary weather isn't helping any.

March is going to be a busy, busy month for me. This weekend starts with a session and of course my birthday. The next weekend, another session and a party and the rest of the month goes about the same. I am completely booked for March and am looking forward to my sessions and events!



On this gratitude Monday I am so thankful for:
1. My health. Being sick sucks, but I thankfully recovered quickly and none of my family got that nasty virus.
2. The rain. As much as I complain about it and as bad as it makes me feel, I know it is going to produce some of the most amazing and beautiful wild flowers in the spring and I cannot WAIT to get out there with my clients and capture some beautiful bluebonnet shots.
3. For Allen Doberenz. He is a true professional (even when others are not *wink wink*), a genuinely nice guy and someone I so enjoy working with. He is supportive and helpful and every time I am around him I learn so much about not only wedding photography, but about myself and what I want to do with my business. I wish more photographers out there were as open and supportive. He is a blessing to my life.
4. Again, my sweet boys. I missed them so much while I was working this weekend! I think I may have taken an extra batch of images of the kids at the weddings because I was missing my own little guys! I am so thankful to be able to stay home with them and cuddle them just about any time I want.

May you be blessed and grateful today. Grab a button in my right sidebar and join in!

Until,
D :)

Hallelujah

Hey there Company Girls!
I am sitting here at the computer (shocker, I know) playing with all my new friends on Twitter and watching the Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies. (talk about a roller coaster ride - one minute I am snoozing {Peter Pan anyone?} and the next I am moved {KD Lang, Hallelujah - if you didn't hear it, look for the youtube vid when it comes out. GORGEOUS!}, then I just want to make it stop {I love opera, but...}...mercy! lol) Anyway, I wanted to get a quick post out to say hi and check in with you all.

Rachel Anne's little homemade coffee pot cracked me up! That's my girl! Don't let anything keep you from your morning caffeine injection. I'll have to remember that the next time we wake up without power.

I hope everyone is staying warm and dry during all this snow business. We haven't received any here; just a lot of sleet, rain and general muck. I am so tired of the cold. Thankfully the sun came out today for a few hours, and I was able to get out with the boys and run an errand. We hit Sonic's happy hour so I could let the van run for a little bit. The battery that we bought a few months ago for some reason isn't holding a charge anymore, and every time I get in it and start it up it is a struggle to get it to turn over. It will charge up if I drive it for a while, but if it sits overnight or for a couple of days I can barely get it started the next time we load up. That's not a fun thing when it takes so long to get everyone in the car in the first place. Thankfully it hasn't left us stranded yet, but something needs to be done soon. I was going to see if I could get it replaced at Walmart (they installed it) when we went today, but I guess we arrived at just the wrong time because the automotive area was PACKED. So, Hubby will be toting it up there this weekend sometime.

So I got a decent amount of sun on my face today. I am determined to soak up as much as I can this weekend. 2 weeks of dreary, rainy, cold days just about did me in. Can you say moody? I got my package from the garden supply, and it is just sitting here, unopened, waiting for spring weather. It makes me so sad every time I see it. I want to plant my garden NOW!! :(

I found an old video of Kiddo on our computer the other day. I have been trying to upload it to my blog for days, but it keeps messing up. I may have to edit it so I can get it on here. It is from when he was about 10 months old, and includes the clip of his first steps!! I still can't believe I caught that on tape. As soon as I can figure it out I will post it.

I have so much going on right now - I don't know if I am ever going to catch up. But it is all good and I trust that God's hand is in all of it. I am just hoping my patience can last through it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Thanks for having coffee with me!

Until,
D :)

Here is KD singing it at the Juno awards - turn up your speakers!