Slow Dancing In A Burning Room | NaBloPoMo day 5

I often feel like I am slow dancing in a burning room (a great song by John Mayer, by the way). But this song (it's John Mayer day!) has popped up on my Pandora station twice today - I absolutely love it. I can sooooo relate to this song too!


If you are a listener of the podcast I co-host, you know that I tend to talk my way through and then around things and say what I feel and then backtrack/justify a ton trying not to offend anyone. But so many times, when I finally get the nerve to say what I really feel, I just can't stop myself. It's like opening flood gates. The good thing is, that the people that are my close friends know that I never mean any harm or judgement in what I say, and that anything that is my opinion is just that, mine. You don't have to agree with me, and if you don't, I am ok with that. How I feel is how I feel. The bad thing is, I often misjudge the "closeness" of some of my friendships and feel comfortable saying what I feel when I shouldn't. The older I get, the less I like having to censor myself. 
And sometimes I just can't shut up. I have conversations in my head, long after the subject has been laid to rest or abandoned. It drives me nuts, but often in those conversations I find the truth I was trying to speak in the first place. That part is great, but unfortunately by then it is usually too late to speak it. That's the worst.
I am at such an odd place in life right now. This year has been so hard and it isn't getting better any time soon. I am eagerly awaiting the new year on a false hope that "starting fresh" will make things better, when I know the reality is that it won't. Turning the calendar over to January 1 isn't going to make my problems go away. So there is a hope and a dread all wrapped up in one pretty bow in my head. I am pretty sure that on top of all this, I am in full on mid-life crisis mode. It makes dealing with the day to day stuff pretty trying. While part of me is trying to be this confident adult that I should and can be right now, part of me is still clinging for dear life to the 18 year old in my head.  I want to just be able to be myself (the grownup) and say what I feel when I feel it (the 18 year old). Sadly, not everyone is comfortable with that.
I hope that I can soon find a peace about life that I am currently lacking. Or, if I can't, I hope I can find a way to make changes that will help me feel better about my life and find the contentment that I seek. And along the way, I would like to find at least one or two people that can handle me - all of me - the happy, the sad, the stupid and the funny, the moody, the foodie, the earthiness, the height of me and the skinniness and...the stupid mouth. 
Until,D :)

Play That Funky Music | NaBloPoMo day 4

There was a moment, just - a moment, a couple of months ago that I thought I might try to teach myself to play the guitar. I felt like my life was falling apart and I just wanted something to do that was different and hopefully therapeutic, and also relatively easy (or so I thought).  It's not that I thought learning the guitar would be easy - far from it. I just thought it might be a bit less difficult because I actually took a semester of guitar when I was in college.  Surely, I thought, I could pick it back up and at least be able to play a few chords. 

nope

I have owned a guitar (and that lovely pitch pipe in the image above) since I was about 8 or 9 years old. And yet, I never learned to play. My parents couldn't pay for lessons, and my dad, who knew how to play a little bit, didn't try for long to teach me (I actually don't remember him ever trying to teach me, but surely he did).  I wasn't interested in it enough to teach myself when I was young, but when I needed an instrument credit in college, it seemed to be the logical choice. I did alright in the class; over the course of the semester I developed the calluses needed to hold the strings. I kept the nails on my left hand short and the nails on the right hand long to pick with. Playing was pretty fun, but as soon as the class was over, I put the instrument away. With the exception of a few brief moments to show the kids, it hadn't seen the light of day until this summer. 

I pulled it out one night and found my training books and tried to will my fingers to remember how to hold the strings.

But they couldn't remember, I didn't really have the finger strength, and my nails were too long. I guess a brief knowledge of a few easy chords aren't as easily remembered as something like say, riding a bike.

Though I wouldn't want to see myself try to ride a bike either.

Maybe someday I can afford to take some lessons. Until then I will have to be content with singing to the steering wheel. ;-)

Until,
D :)

Feels Like Home | NaBloPoMo day 3

So, this is what I do. This is what I love. I have been a lot of things in my life; I have worn a lot of hats.  And while I have many very strong interests, this, photography, is something that no matter how busy I am, no matter what is going on in life, when I am shooting I am loving it. It feels like, home. I get excited about it, nervous about it, scared...and I love going through it and being exhausted when it's over but still being so revved up that I can't settle down right away when I get home. I love pulling the images up on my computer and seeing all that I have captured. It's like Christmas - I get to open hundreds of little presents with each session. Even if the session doesn't go how I had hoped or something is off, I know that there will always be something stored on that little square card that will make me smile.

For the first time in my life I really feel like I have the potential of being successful in my "job".  I really feel like I can be creative, or even not be creative, and still turn out quality work. It thrills me to the core to know that what I did with the camera made someone happy. For the first time in my life, I really want this thing that I am doing. I really want to make this business something I can be proud of. Now that Hubby is unemployed, my business has taken on a whole new meaning to me. I am more determined than ever to make it work; to make it into more than just a really fun hobby that helps me pay for more camera equipment.

The only other thing that has ever come close to photography is music. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a singer, and I tried for many years to get to a place where I felt confident enough to pursue it professionally. Unfortunately, that confidence was never really there, I never felt talented enough, and my fear of failure defeated me.  Now, I still dream of a life that involves being able to sit on a small stage with a guitar or piano player and sing to an intimate audience. And I suppose there is still time for that; maybe it will happen some day.  But I know that singing will never be a full time profession for me. I do hope I get to make it a regular hobby some day.

So, with this passion, and this tangible need for my photography business, I am constantly thinking about it. I think about the business, how I can improve it, how I can provide my clients with the best possible experience, how I can provide amazing products, how I can take on more clients, how I can improve my style, and how I can do it all and maintain some sort of sanity. I think about how I can educate myself, how I can get more organized, how I can update and maintain my website...the list goes on and on and on.

But with 2 little ones around (ok, just the littlest little one mostly) it is darn near impossible to get anything major accomplished that will help my business. I have so much I need to do that I can't do in 5 minute intervals - which is what I am awarded with when the precocious Port is around. So, I am investing in myself and my business and I am booking myself a hotel room for a weekend this month and locking myself inside so I can get some work done.

I started my to-do list today for what I want to accomplish on this all important weekend, and I think I may need to extend my stay for about a week. Or two. heh.

There is never enough time, is there? What extremes have you gone to in order to make your life/job/world better?

Until,
D :)

Someone Like You | NaBloPoMo Day 2

I think like most moms, am constantly wondering what my kids think of me.  Am I the mean mom, the nice mom, the fun mom or the ____ (fill in the blank).  Sometimes I think I am being the good mom, and my oldest will mutter something under his breath like "you just don't care for me" and I wonder what the heck gave him that idea. But I guess, in the eyes of a 7 year old, not allowing him to do something he wants to do, even if it's what's best for him, is the equivalent of "not caring". I am fairly certain Port thinks of me as the pushover mom; and perhaps I am just that more often than I care to admit. 

And while I am always wondering what they think of me, I don't put much time into how they see me. I mean, I see me like this.

Or at least that's how I imagine I look, even when my hair is in a bun and I have no makeup on. ;) Sadly, I don't always, nor often, look like I do in the above image. But a girl can dream of days like that, right?

I guess I am pretty lucky that Kiddo is a pretty good artist. Through his drawings, I sometimes get a glimpse of how he really sees me. 

Apparently I somewhat resemble Nanny from Muppet Babies cartoons. I am so tall I don't even fit on the paper! (and apparently I also wear my cat pajamas with jeans?? shh! Don't tell anyone!)

This next drawing, while sweet, is a bit disturbing...

What is up with my hair???

Oh well, at least I have a head in this one.

Until,
D

November Rain | NaBloPoMo day 1

Since it's been almost 2 months since my last post, I thought it might be a good idea to once again participate in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) again this year.  And luckily, since yesterday was Halloween, I am fresh and ready to go with some fun pictures to share with you. 

First, in case you are coming over from NaBloPoMo or are new to my little blog, that chick on the left is me. That is probably the newest images of me - I sort of have a thing for self portraits. However, this lovely capture was created by my wonderful friend, Kim, over at KimberlyTM Photography. Kim has, until now, mostly been a "thing" shooter (and mostly flowers), but she was interested in me giving her a little portrait photography lesson of sorts so we went out a couple of weeks ago and played. She also does hair, so I have to give her props for my fabulous cut and color. And yes, that is a blue streak on top and blue underneath. I LUV it!!

So, yesterday, the boys had a blast trick-or-treating in our friend's neighborhood (our hood pretty much sucks for ToTing) again this year.  We started the door to door trek just before dusk. 

I had some fun with my wide angle lens - his cute little cookie face looks even cuter all distorted. ;)

And of course, Kiddo had to get in on the wide angle lens action too. I can't believe he actually looked at the camera! That, my friends, is a rare thing. 

And on Friday last week we made our annual visit to the pumpkin patch for some pictures and a ridiculously expensive pumpkin. Here is Port with his shaggy hair, Molly the Cat who goes EVERYWHERE with him, and his little pumpkin.

And Kiddo with his pumpkin (notice he is NOT looking at the camera. *sigh*)

  And my sweet guys together. This was the reward for the yearly excursion. ;)

It feels good to be back to blogging again. Hopefully I can once again make it through the November challenge.

Until,
D