Decision of the Skies

Why is it that when I am away from the computer, I think of all these great things to blog, but then when I have a moment and I sit down to blog them I can't remember a thing? I can't even think of where to start or what to write about. There is just so much right now.

So, I realize it is only January, but I am completely immersed in thinking about Kiddo and school. This could be his year to start Kindergarten or I can hold him back one more year. My, it went so fast. I really thought I had more time to think about this. But, I think many of the schools start the fall registration process in February. ack!

I'm still not even sure if we are going to send him to public school, private school or go the home-school route. There are so many reasons for and against all of it - it is completely overwhelming.

First off there is Kiddo's peanut allergy. This is a BIG issue because his allergy is not slight - just being around someone that has the proteins on their hands could send him into a reaction. He is contact sensitive and if he ingests something unknowingly, he is still too young in my opinion to know what to do about it. Or maybe it's that he is still very socially immature - when something is wrong he is more likely to hide rather than seek help. That scares the life out of me. I wake up in a cold sweat dreaming about it at night. I cannot trust that a teacher or even a school nurse would know what to do - nor can I trust that they could locate and properly administer the epi-pens even if they did. I know a lot of the schools are going peanut free and that is wonderful - but what about the parent who forgets or just doesn't care, or the kids that have pb&j for breakfast and get it on their clothes??? The possibilities of contamination are endless. I am trying not to be paranoid about it, but man it is tough.

Private Christian school would ultimately be my first choice - if we could afford it. I seriously doubt that will ever happen though. I may as well take that out of the running.

I always thought I would home school - but as of late have been doubting my ability to stay focused and organized enough to actually do it properly. Kiddo is very bright and I know he needs social interaction, and I am afraid that while I can probably give him a better education (assuming I can get my act together), I know that I probably won't give him the social interaction he needs. Past actions can predict future actions, and I have a hard enough time taking him to playdates and stuff as it is.

Another downside to home schooling is that I really need a break. I need the social interaction as much as he does I think.

And now we are possibly dealing with another big issue. Hubby and I think Kiddo may have a slight sensory disorder, hyperacusis. This is something that actually I have dealt with in some degree all my life, and lately Kiddo has been demonstrating hearing sensitivities - to the point of it interfering with normal life. He has always been a bit weird about crowds and loud places. As a baby and toddler I had to be careful to keep him on the perimeter of a group or he would freak out. I thought he had outgrown it, but recently his Sunday school teacher pulled me aside after a particularly rough morning. She told me that Kiddo freaks out every Sunday when they go for children's worship (the music time). Kiddo complains that it is too loud; he won't listen and usually he freaks out and starts crying or panicking. The teacher decided it would be best to have him walk the halls with a volunteer every Sunday during the music time. He has been much better behaved since they started doing that. It makes me incredibly sad when I think about it.

He has unusual or weird reactions to different kinds of noise. Sometimes he gets scared, sometimes he panics and sometimes he just cries uncontrollably. He even gets mad or enraged. On Christmas Eve we went to the 7:00 service. Rick Trevino was performing, and at one point he invited all the children to come up to the stage and sing a song. Even though I wasn't sure it was the best idea, we let Happy take Kiddo up to the stage. He sat down on a step with about 200 other kids and when the music started...well everyone was all smiles except my child, who crossed his arms across his chest and had the most sour look on his face the entire time. The video cameras were panning across the sea of children, close in on their smiling, beaming, happy Christmas faces, and you could actually hear the crowd collectively giggle when Kiddo's face came up on the big monitors hanging over the stage. By the time the song was over, Kiddo was in a full on rage and Hubby had to take him out of the sanctuary until he calmed down.

So now I am doing some research into what can be done for him, and eventually will have to set up some hearing tests. I am hoping their might be some early intervention programs or some sort of therapy that he can get into - because if he doesn't learn how to control himself and cope with the confusing signals his ears are sending his brain, he is going to have a lot of trouble in school.

My affliction with the same thing is probably not as severe. I have always had a problem with certain tones and dissonance. Growing up I had huge reactions to the emergency broadcast system's warning tones. When they changed the warning tones some 10-15 years ago I was greatly relieved, though I still have to turn them way down when I hear them on the tv or radio. As a music major in college, I learned to deal with my reactions to certain tones, but overall my sensitivity caused me to struggle with singing "loud enough". It wasn't until I was studying at ASU that my vocal professor suggested I have my hearing checked. He told me the reason I couldn't give him the volume he wanted (after him shouting at me "sing loud!" and I shouted back "I AM!!" grr!) was because my head was telling me I was already singing loud. He spoke to me at a "normal" speaking volume and asked me if I thought he was speaking loudly. Of course, I said yes, and he determined that I most likely have oversensitive hearing. After doing some research on Kiddo's behalf, I am certain that I suffer from hyperacusis as well.

But poor Kiddo, he just doesn't understand his reactions sometimes and I think it makes it worse. I can ask him what is wrong and he will wail "I don't know!!!!". I think it scares him.

So, in all this school stuff that is something else to consider. Something else to make the decision more difficult. As a mom I struggle with the intense desire to keep him home, to shelter him from the big, bad world; to keep him as far away from feeling "different" as possible. He has issues, every kid does, but no mom ever wants to see the day that their child realizes they have something going on with them that is not normal and not "special" in a positive way. I hate that he will someday have to experience that. I pray daily that I can prepare him, so that he can take his issues and spin them in a positive manner. And I pray that God will give me the wisdom to come up with a way to make that possible. Because right now I am at a total loss. I have no idea how to explain things, if I even should explain them, or how to go about it. I know things could be much, much worse and much more difficult. I know we are so very blessed he is healthy and smart and able bodied. I know that there is so much more positive than negative. But I still struggle with not having a normal existence; a normal life.

We all struggle in one way or another. This is our journey. I just wish it came with a map.

Until,
D :)

Blues Traveler Lyrics
When you're living in a series of atmospheres
You don't stand upon the world, but within it
And the faster that you move, the lighter you become
The farther out you go, the better the view
And you wanna rise
So that you can last
Take it all in slowly
Real fast
The capsule goes at 17,000 miles an hour
To make the sky act like a pond
And if it should slow down
Then the mighty ship will sink
As if falling through the sea
So your destination for the outskirts
Thinks the answer lies beyond
But the slower that you go
The more substantial you become
Come to rest against the pure and solid center
And you wanna last
So that you might rise
Take it all in slow
That's the decision of the skies
The decision of the skies
Your best discovery will always be
Simply what you see
And there's something to look at ...everywhere
Devoid of any destination
Yes, you're part of a relation
From the cold ocean floor
And beyond the softest air
When you're living, you're just a series of atmospheres
Whatever velocity appeals
And no matter how you move
You're going to become
You cannot end and there's no beginning
The farthest you can go is right behind you
The closest you can get is nowhere near
And it could make you wonder where
When you're discussing here or there
And do you really have to get going
And nothing lasts
And only time really flies
And you're always free
From the decision of the skies
Decision of the skies