Crazy

I really think I should be on some anti-anxiety meds or something. Seriously. I keep having panic attacks and they just aren't fun. In the past, I would get them in times of great stress, especially if I was on birth control pills. But, I no longer take bcp (because they make me crazy) and so the only thing I can figure is I'm under a lot of stress.

So far this week I've had 3 of them; the last one being the worst. What happens is usually I have a vision of something bad happening; and accident or whatever, and it is so real that my heart races, I get tense all over and I feel every emotion that I would feel as if it was really happening, ten fold. The last one I had brought me to tears and forced me out of bed. The darkness was only making it worse - so I got up and played on the computer for a while trying to distract my brain. I didn't leave the house at all the next day, for fear of the scenario coming true.

Now rationally I know that we can't always explain these things; and I am by no means psychic (maybe psychotic though ;) )but man, they really bug me out. I just can't get past them for days.

I think they have something to do with hormones though, because like I said I got them a lot when I was on bcp, and they seem to be more intense and frequent when I am pms-ing.

And if I were single, I suppose this would be the kind of thing that would easily make me a shut-in. I know that terrified-to-go-anywhere feeling. It can be debilitating. Between this and my social anxiety it's a wonder I ever leave the house.

But thankfully God has blessed me with a family and responsibility and a wonderful part time photography gig, and so I am happy to report that I got out of the house today and interacted with the outside world. I crossed a very dangerous intersection 4 times, the very one in my vision, and was completely safe. Don't think for a moment though that I wasn't praying like a mad fool and was almost in tears once I got across.

Baby steps I guess.

Just thought I'd share more of my messed up mind.

Until,
D :)

Come Together

Hello Friends.

Man, you guys are barely hanging on. My statcounter is going down, down, down. I am sorry about that. We will soon be back to normal, I hope.

Hubby's Graddad passed away last Tuesday. We left Wednesday afternoon to make the 7 hour trip to the family. The funeral was on Thursday and we stayed through Friday to visit with family. On the return trip we stayed at the inlaws' house for a night before returning home.

So we got home yesterday. I am so glad to be out of the car. I think my backside is completely gone now! All in all, it was a good trip; sad in reason, but joyful in seeing family and spending time together. Most everyone was in good spirits. Kiddo did amazingly well in the car - he has never been a long trip kind of guy, but he did much better then normal this week. I was very, very thankful for that.

(I'm sure it will take me a few days to deprogram him from all the attention and grandparent lovin' (*cough*spoilin'*cough*) he got the past week!)

I was without internet access for almost 3 days! I thought my insides would shrivel - but it appears you all got along just fine without me! ;)

I was going through all my camera cards and found some pics to share. These are all snapshots - I don't think I've even pulled out my "good" camera since my last photo shoot.

Anyway, here is my Cool Breeze with his John Lennon glasses:

I bought these for him before his first birthday and he wouldn't wear them. Now, since he has an obsession with glasses, it is pretty easy to catch cheesy shots like this.

While we were visiting the fam last week, Hubby mistakenly fed our son a bit of candy bar that had peanuts in it. Kiddo has a mild peanut allergy (and because of this I was trying to wait until his 3rd or 4th birthday, and after I acquire an epi pen, to try peanut products again), and thankfully didn't like the candy bar (he has a thing with textures). He spit it out. After a thorough tongue scraping and teeth picking, I gave Kiddo a dose of benadryll. About 30 minutes later we were at a restaurant having an early dinner when...

He fell completely, totally, instantly asleep sitting up in the high chair. After leaning on me for a minute, we passed him over to Grammy. I think she enjoyed the cuddle time! When we got back to Grammaw's house, we put him on one of her guest beds.
This is how we laid him down and exactly how he stayed for the next 2 hours. He never budged until he woke up. Poor guy!

G&H got themselves a new toy last week. Kiddo really enjoyed checking it out for them. They may never get things set back the way they were. How does the boy know to push the pedals??!?
Yup, he's gonna look really good in this on his 16th birthday!
And last but certainly not least; at the funeral, Hubby and the other grandsons(and inlaws) were pallbearers. All of the pallbearers got flowers for their lapels and Kiddo decided he needed one too. I didn't see this myself, but he apparently pulled a flower out of one of the arrangements (OMG, can I shrink into the corner now?) and was trying to stick it in his shirt. One of the cousins stepped in and clipped the flower and put it in his button hole so he wouldn't feel left out.
He was very proud of his flower. I was mortified. I just have to keep repeating to myself; He's only three, He's only three... It's not helping. ;)

So, I know this is not the best post, but I may need a bit to get back in the swing of things.

I can tell you though, while we were traveling, one night I had a very strange dream. I don't normally dream about people that are not IRL friends, but this dream had Oh the Joys and Alimum in the cast of characters. My real life friend Carrie and I were riding a trolley in San Fran (and no, I have never been there) and OtJ and A came up and started making fun of my friend's blouse. At first I was terribly offended and about to pounce until I realized who it was and we all had a big laugh. We (the four of us) then headed over to some fancy dinner party and had loads of fun eating and talking and laughing - it was the strangest dream.

Anyway, I thought you might get a kick out of it. I wonder what it means...

Until,

D :)

Gluvuv Fuzzies

Fairly often in Sunday School Kiddo's class does some sort of craft. He comes home with colored pages and cut outs of hearts and stars; but more often than not lately the teacher has been sending the unmade craft home with an info sheet for all the kids. I don't know if they are just not getting around to the craft or if it actually is meant for parents to do with their little ones in order to drive home a lesson - but regardless we have ended up with more than a fair amount of paper and stuff lying around.

A few weeks ago they did something that resulted in a little glove with different colored "fuzzies" on each finger. (like little puff balls) I think there was a story that went with each color, or a rhyme, I'm not exactly sure. But now the Glove of Fuzzies, as Kiddo calls it, usually takes up space in the toy box. A few days ago it made an appearance and a few minutes later was discarded on my bathroom floor.

Just like the twist tie (that is still in my shower by the way) it has remained there for much longer than necessary - but with everything going on I simply haven't had the energy to bend down and pick it up.

I was in the shower today and Kiddo came in and was playing with various things. After making sure he was not into anything forbidden, I turned my back to him to finish my shower. As I was rinsing the last of the conditioner out of my hair, I hear him singing. It was the sweetest song; short and lovely, with definite words and a strong melody. For those of you who know solfege, it was something like;
Mi Mi Mi, Mi Mi Do
La La La, La La Fa
Sol Sol Sol, Sol Sol Mi
Mi, Re, Do
(yes, I know how geeky it is to still think of melodies in terms of solfege - so sue me!)

I turned off the water and listen to the words:
Where's da gluvuv fuzzies?
Where's da gluvuv fuzzies?
Where's da gluvuv fuzzies?
It's right here!

He was facing the mirror, and during the first three lines of the song he had the glove on his hand behind his back. Then on the last line he would hold it in front of him with fingers splayed.

Can he get any cuter???!? :) :)

Until,
D :)

Going Home

Hello my friends. I am only halfway through my first cup of coffee this morning, so I apologize if this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. We have had a rough week. The funeral for my friend's little boy was Wednesday. I was not able to attend, but hear that there were so many people showing support for the family, they spilled out into the entry and packed into any space they could find to stand. I am so glad that my dear friend has such an awesome community to lean on. I know she has what she needs to get through such a tragedy.

We found out on Thursday that Hubby's grandfather is not doing well. The family dropped everything and made the trip to Louisiana to visit him on Friday. We have been told it will only be a matter of days before he goes home to the Lord. I am sad that we will be losing him here, but rejoice in the knowledge that he will soon be home, out of pain and the confusion he has been suffering, and taking care of all the loved ones we have seen go before him.

We are back home now, but expect to go back some time this week for the funeral. I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

If these things come in 3s, I truly hope that my car accident was the first. I don't think I could handle another tragedy in our lives right now. I am worn down; hanging by a thread.

If you pray, please pray for my extended family as they are navigating this road. We all need the light of God to lead us through.

I will try to get back to regular posting soon. Kiddo is doing some pretty cute stuff and I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Until,
D :)

The Good and the Bad

I just can't stop crying today.

In a post log ago, I explained why I have a hard time being happy. This has been another example to add to the growing list.

Yesterday was a great day. Actually the past couple of days have been great. Yesterday though I managed to get my stuff together and took the Kiddo to a local small water park. He and I both had an absolute blast - it was really a great day. We went for pizza afterwards and Kiddo was so good. When we got home I was energized; I did laundry, wiped down the bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen and tackled a couple of lingering projects. I felt great for most of the day. I felt joy. I let go.

Today started out well, a bit early, but I was still riding on the fumes from the day before. Then my sister-in-law called. A mutual friend of ours lost her sweet, sweet baby this past weekend. He was 2, and as with any loss, the story was tragic.

I just can't stop thinking about it, and all the implications for the family, their friends and all those involved. I can't stop thinking about something like that happening to me. I don't like thinking of such horrible things.

Part of my semi-superstitious mind thinks that if I think about those things, they are more likely to happen. Like in some strange way, thinking of the situation gives the universe permission to, well, allow such tragedy.

I know that is not how things work. I believe differently. But part of me, a very small part, aches and worries and screams and cries - why did we have to talk of such things? Why did we have to mention such unspeakable thoughts?

I can't even begin to clear my mind; to settle the cries and agony and grief. I cannot lift my head today.

Thankfully Kiddo hasn't really acknowledged the pain I am experiencing. I do just want to scoop him up, hug him tight and crawl back into bed. The covers and darkness hold such security right now. If I don't see the sun I don't have to acknowledge the day.

It is just too much.
Until,
D