Yeah, I know. That last post was a bit strange and weird. I don't blame you for not commenting. I mean, it probably was a lot to decipher. Maybe it was that I posted on a Wednesday and you all are used to me chiming in on Monday.
I am still working on that Monday post...
So, here it is Friday and I am feeling trapped under the weight of too much responsibility. Yesterday was such an emotional day. I had to order a medical alert bracelet for Kiddo and a special pouch to for him so he could carry his epi-pens. And of course, in doing that it sparked all kinds of conversation with him about his allergy and what it will be like managing that in school.
It is impossible to gently speak to a 5 year old about his mortality.
I can't lie to him. I can't tell him that he won't die if he eats peanuts. I mean, I pray he won't, but it is always a possibility and he knows that. And while he expresses that part of it with such ease at times, there are moments when the reality of it bears down on his little chest and he breaks down. He cried a lot yesterday. I held back a lot of tears of my own.
I have to take him to have his blood drawn so they can test the severity of his allergy. He is pretty scared about that too. He is usually so brave about shots and the like, but something about them taking his blood is freaking him out. Personally, I don't blame him.
So in talking to him yesterday I could tell that while he is excited about school, he is also terrified. But not in the way a normal kid gets afraid of something new. He is terrified about dealing with his allergy there and not having anyone "to watch out for him". He is taking the responsibility all on his little shoulders and it rips me up. Of course I want him to be diligent about looking out for himself, but at the same time I want him to know that there will be lots of people there looking out for him too. I don't want him to fear everything in the name of being "careful" but I don't want him living haphazardly and not paying attention to possible dangers either.
It is too much to ask of such a small child. It really is. I feel so bad that he has to take on this responsibility. No child should have to fear dying from contacting a food that 98% of the population consume in some form weekly.
So there was all that - and then last night was also Elementary Orientation.
It was strange to say the least. I did not expect to walk in to be greeted first by the principal herself and then directed to tables where people ask you to buy things.
You have to pay to join the PTA.
You have to pay to participate in the volunteer program for dads.
You should by a school shirt for your student.
Ok, so I can kind of understand that one, but my head was still spinning from the PTA... and the fact that the "hot mom" was still speaking to my husband about volunteering. And batting her eyelashes. And standing a little too close... anyway...
Thank goodness I don't carry cash. Though it was a bit awkward to walk away from the table without being the dutiful parent and signing up for everything.
The dad behind the Watch Dog (the dad volunteer program) table was someone I knew, but I couldn't place him. I hate it when that happens. And of course, a normal person would approach him and say something like "have we met? you look so familiar." but I am not normal. So I tried to steal glances at him discreetly and I have been wracking my brain ever since trying to figure out how I know him. The best I can figure he either worked at or was a member at the country club I used to work for. But that doesn't seem right either. It's going to bug me until I figure it out. Maybe he goes to our church?? Yup, I think that is it.
So we got a tour of the school, saw the playground and the cafeteria and the library and the Kinder hall. I now know where drop off is and where I can park on the first couple of days if I want to walk Kiddo to his class (which ought to be real interesting with the Port in tow). The school is setting up a Mommies and Muffins room for all the crying moms on the first day. The school principal told us we shouldn't cry while we are with our kiddos, that we should put on a brave face and a happy smile.
I was holding back tears while she was saying that. Yeah, I am doomed.
I am never going to get out of that room without crying. Maybe I should warn Kiddo ahead of time.
On a good note, the earlier bed time for the boys is going really well. Thank God. Next week I will be waking up earlier and getting them up and dressed first thing in the morning as practice for school. Lord help me.