A Thousand Miles | NaBloPoMo day 18

Sooooo, this is what I see when I look in the mirror today.  Staying up till 3am did a number on me. ;-) I desperately need some beauty sleep.  I had a lot I needed to get done today but I am just too tired to actually do any of it. I took a shower in lieu of a nap this afternoon and while it did perk me up briefly, I still sat at the computer and stared at a blank screen for an hour. *sigh* It was worth it though. I had so much fun last night.

Random thoughts...gonna let the crazy hang out a little. lol Forgive me, it happens when I am tired...

Ever feel like you are waiting on something, and you know it's important, but you really have NO IDEA what it is, or what to look for?  And you know you will know it when it happens, but yet, you don't know what it is going to be?

I am waiting, waiting, waiting.  And I don't know why. Whatever it is I am waiting for, when I think about it (of course, in a general sense), my heart aches, my head pounds and my my eyes feel that fullness that comes just before I cry. Like if whatever it was happened, it would be such a relief and a release and a joy, and it would be scary and life altering and...REAL.  And I long for it; I try to will it to happen - ridiculous, really.

I can't seem to move on past the waiting, the holding pattern, the holding my breath every time I turn a corner.  My dreams are getting more and more strange. I am dreaming of people I don't ever dream about, places I had long forgotten, and of worlds that don't exist. Perhaps that is normal for some people, but my dreams, for the most part, have pattern and some predictability.  With the exception of every now and then, I usually dream of the same people and places. But lately, man, they have become really strange.

I am just too much in my head right now I guess.

Until,
D :)

Dance In My Dreams

This week started out completely sucktastic when, after a sleepless night, the boys woke us up at 5am by kicking the wall that adjoins our rooms. I finally gave in and got up at 6 and ended staying up because they were ready for breakfast. After dropping Kiddo off at school, I took my chances and took Port to Walmart to pick up some much needed items. After spying a Cars nightlight, Port screamed all throughout the store because I refused to buy it for him. Then he screamed all the way to the grocery store because I didn't get him one of the birds that was in the parking lot!! He fussed all through the grocery store and ended peeing all over me in the checkout lane. Then he cried all the way home because he was wet.

There just isn't enough coffee and chocolate to make up for that.

Kiddo came home that afternoon complaining of a headache and he was running a fever. Other than the headache he felt fine, but I kept him home from school on Tuesday just in case. Apparently there is some weird virus going around that only gives you a headache and a fever.  Tuesday he acted fine even though his temp went up and down a couple of times. Really the only indication that something was wrong was his red face and glassy eyes when the temperature rose.

He was a bit weepy though - a little more dramatic and cuddly than usual.  But at dinner last night he kind of freaked me out when out of nowhere he started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he cried out, "What am I gonna do if you die?!?"

{commence to melting into a puddle}

It took me quite a while to get him to calm down from that one. I don't know what possessed him to think of something like that. But I have to say it left me feeling uneasy.  When I picked him up from school today he was pouty and mopey and said he missed me and that he was homesick all day.  This boy LOVES school - I don't know what the heck is going on with him right now.

And of course, Port has been really snotty the past couple of days. Last night he woke up repeatedly screaming for a tissue. Poor guy.

The weekend was fabulous - I was able to get out and plant one of my gardens. I seeded for carrots, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onions, peas, lettuce, spinach and some early cukes and zucchini.  I put some seed in a sprouter last Friday for several kinds of peppers and tomatoes, and within 4 days the tomatoes sprouted! In a few weeks I will plant the other bed with the tomatoes and peppers, green beans, dill, basil and okra. I already have garlic growing there that I planted last fall. I can't WAIT until it's ready! I would really love to try some potatoes this year, but I am afraid I am out of room. Maybe in the fall I can try for a small crop.

I am convinced that Port thinks the only reason I have the garden beds is so that he can dig for worms. The boy LOVES finding worms and holding them in his hand. He asks me repeatedly every day to go out and find worms.  It was fine when I was going out there to turn the soil in the empty beds, but now I have one planted and am about to plant the other. I don't know what he's going to do when he can't go out there and dig anymore. He's gonna be MAD. 

Anyway, today I placed an order with Gardener's Supply Company for some fertilizer and some plant supports (thanks, Mom, for the gift card!) and then I received a catalog in the mail this afternoon and already have another 10+ things I want to add to my list. *sigh* If only I had some extra cash. Ah well.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was back in college in the music building and a bunch of us were getting ready for a school prom-like dance.  Dr. Barrett and one of my high school guy friends was there helping out and a bunch of us girls were putting the finishing touches on hair and makeup.  I was trying to help out a few of my friends but then suddenly my left hand started tingling and itching. I looked down at it and little thin brown worms started coming out of my hand. They would come out really tiny, and then grow pretty big and long and I would drop them.  It didn't really bother me in the dream - I kept scratching my hand and shaking off the worms, but I couldn't help my friends like I wanted to. So we finally finished getting hair and makeup done and we jumped in a bus and headed over to the high school. When we got there, I realized I hadn't changed into my dress so I asked my high school friend to drive me back over to the college to get my dress. But the darn worms wouldn't stop coming out of my hand, so I couldn't communicate properly and he didn't understand what I needed.

For an hour after I got up this morning my left hand felt funny.

I don't know what it means, but I think I will lay off digging up worms for Port for a few days. ;-)

Until,
D :)

Sign Them Papers

Today has been a really, really hard day.

I don't know exactly how this post is going to go, but I can pretty much guarantee it's not going to be sunshine and roses, so if you don't want to read about my struggles, feel free to move on to something else. There is a long list of very good blogs in my sidebar that I am sure will be enjoyable. Maybe next week I will have something better to talk about.

So, today was kindergarten registration.

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, or if you listen to the podcast or know me in real life, you know I have been dreading this.

It sucks.

Can I just say that again? It sucks.

And I am trying to keep a smile on my face, I am trying to not let my kids see what a torture this is to me. Because it is a torture. And I am not going to apologize for that. This is not what I ever wanted for Kiddo; not what I want for him at all and yet I am completely powerless to prevent it. And the thought of him going to public school every day makes me sick to my stomach. I have had a headache and heartburn for days now. Part of it is allergies, yes, but I know a lot of it is not.

I have been having the weirdest dreams. Dreams of me being back in college, back in that ridiculously tense choir room. I am there with every musician that passed through the doors in the almost 8 years I was there, and we are all vying for our rightful spot in the choir hierarchy.

Yes, there was a hierarchy. Yes, there was tension. Don't let our melodious harmonies and perfectly synchronized group sway fool you.

And in every single dream I am the outsider. I have no assigned seat, there is no room in the soprano section for me and I can't find my music folder.

I guess the dream is the equivalent to the showing up on test day without a scantron, or worse, your pants.

I am grinding my teeth in my sleep; something I only do when I am deeply stressed about something.

And today I thought I could be ok with all of this. I can talk about it and tell myself the good things about him going to school; I can reason with myself that my fears and hang ups are not as big and important as him getting out into a group setting and being around other kids. I know he needs peer interaction. I know he needs time away from me. I know I need time away from him.

If the last two weeks have been any indication, we both need a break.

But even though I can rationalize and find favor in him going to school, deep down, I know it is most definitely not what I want.

So we go today, and I try not to make a big deal about it, because I know that while he is very excited about it all, he is definitely nervous too. I do believe that a lot of his excessive whining and weirdness in the past two weeks has been partly due to knowing we were doing this today. I prepped him as we pulled into the parking lot, and asked him to please not interrupt when I was talking to the adults and to please try to not ask random strangers too many questions. (he has a bad habit of doing that) He did really well, except for when he cornered some poor mom and her 3 kids while he chatted them up and asked for all their names and birthdays.

sigh

At least she was nice, and her oldest was starting kindergarten this fall too and so she made sure he properly introduced himself. And she didn't even stumble when Kiddo asked her for her birth date.

mercy

We made it through the paper work and I was able to ask the nurse about Kiddo's need to carry an epi pen. She had to give me a stack of paperwork for that, and I have to have physician's signatures on a bunch of it. So I guess I need to schedule an appointment with the allergist. I am supposed to bring the paperwork back to the school the week before classes start and go over everything with the nurse then. She said that they also do an orientation on the first day of classes that informs the kids that they have a classmate with an allergy and the things they can and can't do. I was kind of disappointed that she didn't say that the school or certain classes might be peanut free, but I guess that is really too much to ask. Though, she did say they had several students with peanut allergies.

I am concerned that the paperwork she gave me was for "self carry and administration" of meds. I certainly prefer him to carry them on his person at all times, but he is by no means able to self administer them. Shoot, I am not real sure an adult could self administer if in that situation. I guess it's another question I am going to have to ask. There are so many.

The whole situation was surreal; nothing really out of the ordinary happened. I didn't necessarily have a bad feeling about the place, but I didn't get a good one either. I didn't have the right document showing his vaccination history but the nurse was able to look him up on some state registry. The woman who was checking everyone in and giving out all the paperwork looked tired and stressed. She wasn't rude by any means, just not very friendly or welcoming. She made me feel like she didn't want to be there. Maybe she didn't. I did find it strange that while she smiled at everyone else, she never smiled at me. Also, she gave a book to every child that came through to register, except for us.

We made it through and left the building. I had to promise Kiddo we'd be back in August to meet his teacher and see his room before school officially started. He wanted to see everything today, but of course that was not possible. We got out to the van, I got everyone in their seats, put the van in reverse, and burst into tears. It totally snuck up on me.

I took a deep breath and backed out, and suddenly Port was asking for a hot dog. It was a very unusual request for being in the van - he knows that snacks in the car usually consist of gold fish crackers and the occasional baggie or cheerios. His request got more and more, um, enthusiastic, and since we were actually headed to HEB I decided a detour to Sonic (and a huge Dr. Pepper to choke down the tears) was in order. We enjoyed some snacks in the car and all felt better in time for the grocery store trip.

When we got home I commented on facebook about the experience and how I felt like I was going at the whole thing blindly. I hadn't been able to find any information on the teachers at the school, nor did I know anyone who had a child in the kinder program there. After chatting with a couple of people, I was able to find more info on the teachers. An old high school friend told me a few of her friends liked 2 of the teachers in particular, but that was all I really had to go on. I realized that most people request the teacher(s) they want, and she convinced me it would probably be in Kiddo's best interest to do the same.

Since I was going on very little information, I decided that three of the teachers would probably be a better choice than the other 2 available, and so when Port woke up from his nap we went back up to the school to fill out the request form. The same woman was doing the check ins, and she still looked tired and unhappy. The nurse actually got me the form I needed and left the boys and I in the front office to fill it out.

There was a section on the form that you have to fill out where you write a few sentences about the "special needs" of your child and why you think the teachers you were requesting would be a better fit. I could not think of anything worth while to say, so I just put some nonsense on there about Kiddo being easily distracted and asking a lot of questions (I mean, surely that is well within the broad range of "normal" for a 5 year old, right?) and that he needed someone who was understanding of that and encouraging of his inquisitive nature, and also someone who would be comfortable administering life saving medication. I don't know if any of the teachers I requested fit that bill, but that was all I could think of.

What I should have put there was this: I am too distracted by the 2 year old who is trying to destroy your office and my school aged child really has no "special needs" to speak of. However, I am yet another psychotic mommy who is stressed out and feeling inadequate and only wants the best possible experience for her child, and who was told by other caring moms that these three teachers are ok while the other two suck. Please help me feel like I am advocating for my child in some small way by making me feel like I had some control in this personally awful situation. Thankyouverymuch.

If only we could be so honest.

So, we will see how this all pans out. I have been a mess all day; crying at the drop of a hat and very sentimental toward my boys. Kiddo got a lot of cuddles and kisses during Port's nap time. I think he needed it almost as much as I did.

The next few months are going to age me 10 years. I already feel an ulcer and the gray hair coming on.

Until,
D

These Small Hours

Hi there Company Girls and Beloved Regulars! I trust you had a great holiday season. Are you glad it's over? I kind of am. I never really did hit that high point in Holiday Spirit. I think things were just too busy or something. I am ready to get back to normal; to be able to go to the Walmart return desk and not have to wait an hour and a half...to go to Target and actually see what is tagged on the shelf, on the shelf. I am ready to go to the post office without having to...well I guess the post office never really changes, huh?;)

Come on in, as always I have fresh coffee in the pot. I still have a good stash of peppermint mocha creamer too if you are so inclined. And yesterday I made fresh oatmeal scotchies. Don't mess with the fudge I made though - it didn't turn out any good. I need to work on my fudge making skills. I see a candy thermometer in my future. ;-)

I am so incredibly tired. Both the boys have a nasty cold, and Kiddo was up all night because of it. I am afraid tonight will be Port's turn. He has had a really bad day so far. I think I will most likely end up on the couch with him at some point in the night. Between the fever and the nasty, phlegm-y cough, he isn't going to get much sleep. At least I can give Kiddo OTC meds to help him rest well. Poor Port doesn't have that option.

My last post about my recurring dream sparked some interesting discussion. I don't know why we have recurring dreams; I however think it may have something to do with unfinished business or something we are trying to reconcile/decide upon. For almost 15 years I had the same dream weekly about a guy I went to high school with. Our parting of ways in our early college years was abrupt and I guess for all those years I had some sort of internal issue with it. At least once a week I would dream that I was walking through the halls (usually of our high school, but sometimes college) and he would be walking with a group of people 5-10 feet away. In every dream I would call out to him and he would never acknowledge me. Or he would look my way, give me a knowing look and then act like he didn't see me. I would yell and scream and call his name but he never responded.

About 6 months ago I reconnected with him on facebook, and the dreams went away.

It's funny how that happens.

Anyway, so maybe my dream had something to do with the fact that I never finished my graduate degree, or maybe it has to do with my strong desire to participate in a photography workshop or classes.

Who knows.

On facebook, a couple of my friends commented that I was indeed an important member of my college choir. It's funny, because I never really felt that way. To me, it felt as if I was just another nice voice in the mix; that no one would miss me if I wasn't there. But I guess some people thought I was important (well, 2 people anyway. lol). And that brings me all back to what I have talked about here before; the fact that we as a society don't let others know how we feel about them. What a difference it would have made to me in my college career if someone had just once said, "you are an important part of this group". {Gratitude Monday my friends! Participate with me!}

Seriously! I know it sounds simple, and that is the point. We as humans need to know how we are perceived; we need to know how people think of and feel about us.

My husband's grandfather, every time he saw us, always said, "I am so glad you got to see me!" ;-) But, in that joke, I know it was his way of saying he was glad we were there. And it always made me feel loved and wanted.

I was discussing with Hubby the other night - if we all spoke to each other the same way the characters in tv drama shows did, it would be incredible how different life would be. Imagine being able to discuss anything with anyone. Imagine not having to sensor yourself or bite your tongue. Imagine if you could tell someone how you felt, without having to worry about the recipient bottling up their feelings as well.

Of course, that world might be a little scary. lol

But I think there really is room for improvement in this area. I think we need to be more honest and forthcoming with each other. I think we need to show our "people" how we feel about them while they are here - not just in a nice eulogy after they are gone. What good is that anyway?

So yes, it was quite the thought provoking post for me.

In other news, today is New Year's Day! A new year, a new decade, a new everything it seems.

New Years has always been a perplexing concept for me. I just don't get it. It doesn't work in my thinking.

What I mean by that is - everyone goes on and on about things being new and fresh and making change, and then a month from now everyone is back to the same old routine. And they can never figure out why it works out that way.

Well here is the thing. New Year's Day is just another day of the week. It is the same old grind; of course nothing changes! Now, if every year at New Years we had a full week where everything shut down and people were able to take some time to get things in order, maybe things would be different. Why we place so much expectation on one little day on the calendar is beyond me. Do we have more time in that day? No. Do we have less responsibility in that day, freeing up the existing time for us? Usually not. How do we expect to fit it all in, start anew and fresh and organized if there is no extra time involved to get those things in order? We can't figure it out the rest of the year, what makes January 1st so special?

I am speaking strictly from my own experience, so if you have an answer for me I would love to hear it.

And I usually try to avoid resolutions. They just don't work for me and the frustration and disappointment I face each year after once again failing is just too much trouble for me now. I haven't made a resolution in years - at least not a serious one. This year, I would like to be more organized, but golly I have no clue how to go about it. I suppose getting off the computer once in a while might free up some time...

Anyway...just something to think about I guess.

How can I reorganize my life, while living that same life I lived yesterday? There just aren't enough hours...

Until,
D :)

These Dreams

I had this horrible dream this morning before I woke for the day. I guess you could call it a recurring dream, as I have had it several times in recent weeks. I dreamt I went back to college and enrolled in a bunch of music classes.

Except, I didn't want to be a music major. But I had this overwhelming feeling that it was what everyone thought I should do, and so I was basically pressured into doing it. But, I found out (as I always do) that the required choir class was scheduled at a time that I couldn't attend it, because I had to take care of my kids. So I went to choir and made my appearance, then realized I needed to be home and so I left.

The weird/sad/twisted thing about it was, when I walked into the choir room, I had this attitude that I was somebody important or uber talented. I was some sort of choir big shot (lol yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds.), or at least I thought I was. {Which is so incredibly laughable, as I was far from a key player in my college choir.} And I was waiting for people to react to my leaving.

...and no one did.

And for some reason it made me so frustrated; why, I am not sure. I didn't want to be there in the first place, so why would I care?

Dreams are so strange...

Speaking of dreams; I want to share some more of my real life dream, my beautiful children.

My oldest and his gorgeous, golden, sparkling eyes...

I can't get over how big he is getting. He is starting to look like a young man.
And the "baby", who is not much of a baby anymore; especially since he has decided to start talking some. He cracks me up. We can't understand a whole lot of what he says, but he will talk your ear off. And, he tells a great knock-knock joke. ;-)
My boys are always good-natured, reserved and calm. They are never goofy or cranky.

Meet Goofy...
And Cranky.
I don't know who they belong to.

Until,
D ;)