You're The Inspiration | NaBloPoMo day 21

So, you all may or may not know I am currently trying my hand at writing. I am in the process of writing one book and also mentally developing a second one.  So occasionally my mental development hits inspiration and I have to spew the words out before they either 1) drive me insane, or 2) disappear, leaving me frustrated and extremely sad that the moment of pure, raw emotion was forever lost. 


The following is a piece that I wrote back in July when the words swirled around in my head to the point that I had to either write them down or check myself into the loony bin. They were that strong and that powerful and controlling.  So, I put this in one of my other blogs back then, and I tonight it just felt right to bring it here...

When you are young you are full of emotion and instinct. There isn't much control of either and when emotions are high (which they always are) you react on instinct more than logic.  It is a magical and confusing and heart breaking time, and unfortunately, more big decisions about life are made in that time that shape who you are than in any other time of life. Make one wrong choice and you can send yourself hurling down a path that you may not want 5, 10 or 15 years from then. And by the time you are an adult it is too late to go back and change your path, and you are committed to too much to not risk everything you love to make the change.

When we are young, we live in the moment. We don't think about the future in more than a big cloud in the sky sort of way. We don't yet know the details, the day to day challenges and the little things that add up to big joy and big frustration.  We don't yet realize how small choices can lead to big life factors; how the "big" decisions really aren't that important and how the time that we have is so unique and special, when we are young. Living in the moment is so exciting and dramatic, and when you are in your teens drama is a way of life. We feel, we experience everything as if it were the first time (and it often is) and our senses are heightened and electric with impulse and fire. We challenge. We challenge authority, we challenge ideas and we challenge...everything.

When I was a teen, I often challenged the weather. My moods and feelings were altered and were reflected in the sun, the wind and the storms. I soaked up the peace that the warm sun would bring. I would sit on top of my parent's van at night and watch the stars and follow the moon. I wished on falling stars, I talked to the sky.  Storms brought passion and love and sadness. They manipulated events and feelings, the held promises of a future that I never got to see.  I loved the weather and I thought it held power. I would stand in the wind and stare it down as if I could control it. I pleaded with the wind and the thunder and the stars to send me signs and answers to my troubles. And somewhere between then and now, I stopped listening and I stopped challenging. Now, thunder and wind sends me running for shelter and makes me worry for my children. I don't want to get wet in the rain and I certainly don't like driving in it or dealing with the mud the dog tracks in the house afterward. Storms lost their passion and their beauty and became little more than a nusiance.

I have been dealing with some things. Stress and emotions that I can't control any longer have forced me into a time of much reflection and deep thought.  And suddenly I am looking to the outdoors and the solace of the quiet that it can sometimes provide; that quiet away from the distractions of electronics and children and things that make noise allows me to ponder the things that trouble me, or quiet my head for a moment of peace. I enjoy being in my garden, sometimes with music in my ears, sometimes not, and just letting my mind run where it wants to. I enjoy that time of living in the moment and letting raw feelings take over.

A couple of weeks ago I was in my garden and as I was finishing up my tasks a storm began to blow in. Normally I would have hurried into the house but for once, I felt I needed to stay. The wind kicked up and the sky turned pink and I stood there in the middle of my yard, face into the wind. I challenged it to blow on me, to knock me over. And as my hair whipped around my head and my eyes filled with tears from the debris blowing in and the emotion I was feeling, I felt my spirit awaken with an energy I haven't felt in many years.

When I come home late at night now, I pause for a moment to look at the sky. And that child in me is still there, pleading to the stars for answers. I have no more power now to interpret them than I did then, and I feel my heart breaking in the silence just the same as before. And yet I linger, thinking one more moment, one more glance to the heavens will be enough.

Until,
D :)

Real World | NaBloPoMo day 10

Random thoughts...

This world that we live in is amazing. It's bright, it's beautiful, it's mysterious and ever changing. It has so many amazing and wonderful features, 99% of them I will never see. And people - people are even more fascinating and wonderful. The human mind is something that, even with all of our vast technology and endless study, will never be completely figured out. 

I am fascinated by behavior. I WISH, oh how I wish, I could figure people out. 

We are all here together on this beautiful planet with these fascinating minds and we are just screwing it all up. 

I was chatting with a friend today and we were talking about people we thought were "good" and those that were not so good, and it occurred to me that no one really knows 100% how another person is - what is truly in their heart.  We only let people see what we want them to see. For most, we try to only show the good parts, the accomplishments and the kindness.  Others gain satisfaction sharing weaknesses and faults.  But in most cases, there is more to someone's true personality and heart than what they ever show.

So where, in all of this, is the reality? There really is no reality anymore. Heck, even reality TV isn't "real".  Young rock star wannabes put "amateur" videos on YouTube that are made to look like they are just hanging out in their living room playing the guitar and singing to the camera. But if you look closely, you will notice that there are several camera angles throughout the song and there is no background noise at all - hmm, could they perhaps have recorded in a studio??

The point is - there is very little these days that is completely raw, real, or unscripted. And we, as friends and family and acquaintances, are just as scripted and fake with each other. We censor ourselves, we put on airs, we proclaim innocence while hiding what we really do, we say we are one way when we are the other. We scold those that don't "do right" as we do the same wrongs. There is no reality.  Social media perpetuates this by providing us with check boxes and categories to define who we are (or who we want people to think we are) on our profile. It provides a platform for us to say things that we don't have to actually subscribe to or even believe in, but people *think* we do because we trust that what is said (and our interpretation of it) is the truth. 

What frustrates me sometimes more than anything is that when I see someone being fake, there really is nothing that can be done about it. As we become more electronically social, we become less personable and calling someone out on bad behavior or telling someone how you really feel is quickly becoming a lost art. People get offended and for some reason many feel we are no longer allowed to point out when someone exhibits bad behavior. 

I try to be as real as I can.  I am overly honest to a fault, but I still have things that I don't talk about. I am by no means a saint, either. But I just wish more people would be real and stop trying to be someone they clearly are not. Be real. If you don't have anything interesting or compelling or valuable to say, don't say anything - or better yet, say something if you feel you need to but be REAL. Be honest. Be boring. It's OK. Truly. I am tired of trying to sift through all the smoke and mirrors to find the truth. 

Until,

D 

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room | NaBloPoMo day 5

I often feel like I am slow dancing in a burning room (a great song by John Mayer, by the way). But this song (it's John Mayer day!) has popped up on my Pandora station twice today - I absolutely love it. I can sooooo relate to this song too!


If you are a listener of the podcast I co-host, you know that I tend to talk my way through and then around things and say what I feel and then backtrack/justify a ton trying not to offend anyone. But so many times, when I finally get the nerve to say what I really feel, I just can't stop myself. It's like opening flood gates. The good thing is, that the people that are my close friends know that I never mean any harm or judgement in what I say, and that anything that is my opinion is just that, mine. You don't have to agree with me, and if you don't, I am ok with that. How I feel is how I feel. The bad thing is, I often misjudge the "closeness" of some of my friendships and feel comfortable saying what I feel when I shouldn't. The older I get, the less I like having to censor myself. 
And sometimes I just can't shut up. I have conversations in my head, long after the subject has been laid to rest or abandoned. It drives me nuts, but often in those conversations I find the truth I was trying to speak in the first place. That part is great, but unfortunately by then it is usually too late to speak it. That's the worst.
I am at such an odd place in life right now. This year has been so hard and it isn't getting better any time soon. I am eagerly awaiting the new year on a false hope that "starting fresh" will make things better, when I know the reality is that it won't. Turning the calendar over to January 1 isn't going to make my problems go away. So there is a hope and a dread all wrapped up in one pretty bow in my head. I am pretty sure that on top of all this, I am in full on mid-life crisis mode. It makes dealing with the day to day stuff pretty trying. While part of me is trying to be this confident adult that I should and can be right now, part of me is still clinging for dear life to the 18 year old in my head.  I want to just be able to be myself (the grownup) and say what I feel when I feel it (the 18 year old). Sadly, not everyone is comfortable with that.
I hope that I can soon find a peace about life that I am currently lacking. Or, if I can't, I hope I can find a way to make changes that will help me feel better about my life and find the contentment that I seek. And along the way, I would like to find at least one or two people that can handle me - all of me - the happy, the sad, the stupid and the funny, the moody, the foodie, the earthiness, the height of me and the skinniness and...the stupid mouth. 
Until,D :)

Crazy For You

When I stare at the screen for a long time before starting a blog post, it is usually because I either have nothing to say or I have so much to say that actually putting it into words seems like the hardest thing in the world. And right now, I am in the second position - with too many thoughts going through my head and all of them making sense in their own way, but no one stepping up to organize them in some readable form. So I will try to get them all out - forgive me if it makes no sense.

I am sad today. Try as I might, I just can't muster up a happy exterior for some reason.  I am not writing this for sympathy or anything like that - just for the sheer fact that I really just want to say it out loud (relatively speaking) and get it out. I know I tend to complain a lot.  Most of the time it is just to let out the built up steam and help me to chill out a little. But in that release I try to gloss it over with humor or some sort of false cheerfulness, just to make myself feel less pathetic.

But today, I am just tired of glossing. And today I want to let it out. I debated on whether I should just put this on my other blog, the one no one reads, but it's just not as cathartic to spew your guts to no one. So, if you don't want to read about my sadness, come back later. The gloss will be back soon.

Sometimes all the little things just get me down. They overwhelm.  I stuff them down and distract myself to the point of not even paying attention to much of my life because it is just easier to be in denial than to deal with things. And I know that my life is good. I know that I am blessed beyond measure.  Let me just get that out of the way before people start wagging their fingers at me. I know that it could be much worse. Let me just have a moment to vent and purge then I will go back to counting my blessings. ok?

Sometimes I just feel sad. And really, there is no one reason for it; no one real thing that makes it particularly worse on some days and better on others. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed and depressed. It happens. I get over it, eventually. Sometimes I need to talk about it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think I do but I don't want to burden anyone with my baggage so I don't. And sometimes I, and I think everyone, just needs a good cry. And no, I am not hormonal right now.

The weather today isn't helping. The gloomy, rainy skies and gray, gray, gray everywhere just drags me down. I could not live somewhere that was like this all the time. I used to love the rain.  I used to love a good storm and I used to love starry skies and breezy nights.  When we lived in Arizona, one of the things I missed the most about Texas were the rain storms. I missed hearing the rain on the roof of the Camp (my parent's camp house I mentioned last week), I missed the thunder and the lightening, the rippling of the water with each drop, I missed the drama of it all. I loved the energy and the emotion that a good rain storm would bring. I loved the smell of the air and the wet ground afterward. When we moved back to Texas, we relished all the things that made up storms and we were glad to be back among them.

But then the kids came along and somehow the wonder and the fun of a good storm was taken away from me. Now I curse the storms that come at night, threatening to wake my children from peaceful slumber. I grit my teeth and tense my shoulders when I know I have to pick up or drop off the boy from school when it is raining. I don't like the mud the dog drags into the house after a storm floods our yard. My joints ache and my head feels full when the humidity reaches a peak before a storm. And the worst, I don't like how the storms change my mood.

And so today I am overwhelmed with life and problems and all that has been heaped upon my tiny plate, and I just want to run away. I want to find that place again where I could sit and listen to a storm with delight; where I could lie on top of the car in the driveway and watch the stars, where I could dream big, romantic dreams and not have to be responsible and practical and think about people other than myself. I miss the days of being able to make a choice and it only affect me, not everyone around me too. Perhaps I am just feeling selfish, perhaps I am longing for a freedom that a responsible person with a family doesn't have the luxury to afford. Perhaps I am just looking for an escape. Perhaps, I just miss the way things used to be.

I wouldn't give up my life and my family for anything. But I do sometimes long for things to be less complicated. I long for healed relationships, I long for closure, I long for things that should have been said. I wish I knew why things happen the way they do; why people come and go, what the purpose of it all is. I wish God would grant me that wisdom so I can understand and heal. So many people, new and old, have moved in and out of my life in the past few years, and I wish I could just sit back and take it all in with the same kind of understanding that one only gains long after the time has passed. I want to know now why things are the way they are so that I can appreciate them for what they are instead of constantly questioning everything. I want to see God's beautiful and perfect plan. I want to understand.

And I want to forget. I want to forget the bad storms and the sad times. I want to replace them with the good memories - they seem to be so much weaker than the bad ones in my head. I want to not worry about everything all the time. I want to just live my life, happy, content, and not constantly looking over my shoulder for the next thing that is going to fall in my lap. I want to just be and enjoy.

The rain has stopped. The sun is peeking out from the clouds and the birds are singing. My heart is racing and for the umpteenth time today I am experiencing a rush of adrenalin. Why? What is going on that I don't know about? What am I sensing in some subconscious form that makes my ears burn and my heart race? And why is it happening so often right now? I wonder if I am sick or if I am just connected to something beyond my own understanding.

Ok. I will put the crazy back into the box now. The men in black coats with the mind erasers will be at your door shortly. ;) But, if you have ever felt this way too, I would love for you to share that with me in the comments. While I am not looking for someone to make me feel better, it would be nice to know that someone understands and feels the same sometimes.

Until,
D :)

Blessings

I know, I know, yesterday's post was total weirdness.  It is a prime example of the times I have a much bigger idea in my head, and I just can't condense it down small enough to get it out of there in some sort of logical fashion.

So I don't know if today will be much better. I just have so much swirling around in there that I don't really know what to blog about. And with it being Thanksgiving and all the stress, travel, planning and reflection that involves, I am left in a very strange mental state; a balancing act between trying to be present and in the moment and still deal with the gravity of life and relationships and everything else that is brought to the forefront this time of year.

I am so thankful for so many things.  We are blessed in an immeasurable number of ways, and I simply am in complete awe that we are so fortunate.  I know I complain a lot, but you have to know that deep down I can see the bigger picture. I know how lucky I am and how much worse it could be.  I still live an amazing life.  I have a wonderful family, the best job I could ever hope for and so many unbelievably wonderful friends who are perfect for me in so many ways.

My friends. I don't know how I would survive without them. 

It's funny, I have friends that I talk to every day, others that I converse with a few times a month, and others that I only interact with a few times a year.  And they are all so special to me, each in their own way.  What I find so amazing is that no matter which friend I am with and no matter what situation I am in, that friend always knows the exact right thing to say.

I thank God for my friends. I love you all.

Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving! May your tummy, your glass and your heart be full!

Until,
D :)

Right Now

Another post where I don't make any sense. Forgive me.

Time is a funny thing. 

We may follow a clock, a watch or the display on our phones, but we are never really on the same time with each other.  Because we each live in our own present, we, in many ways, anticipate what others will think and feel and do once they catch up with our thoughts and our actions.

We write a letter or address something as simple as a Christmas card, and instantly we are in the future. We envision the recipient receiving it and we see in our minds their reaction. We can see it clear as day; the opening of the letter or the email, gazing at the picture on the card we picked out and we can see the smile on someone's face. Or their tears. Or their anger.

But until it actually happens it isn't reality.

Living in the moment is so hard.  We plan for the future, we plot our next move, we look forward and prepare for things to come. And meanwhile someone else is living in the same time as you, doing similar things and their reality may or may not include you without you ever knowing it. It can be confusing and difficult when those realities collide.

In such a technology based world we are in better sync than ever. And yet in some ways I think it is worse because we can get ahead of ourselves. We've taken the surprise out of surprises - the "heads up" is the way to communicate and keep everyone in the know. Sometimes something very special and endearing about life is lost in this "instant communication" world.

While I am so thankful for technology and instant information, I occasionally wish I didn't have such quick access to certain things.

Until,
D

Where I Stood

I cannot count the number of times in my life I have wished there was a way to record all the thoughts in my head. I get to thinking about something and is swirls around and swirls around and works itself out to the point that it sounds so good - and of course at that moment the thoughts are perfect and I have no way of getting them out of my head and in written or recorded form.  It is frustrating. Often I think of things so deeply that even if I can sit down to write, I can't make it come out the right way.  Or the thoughts are so complex with so many layers that I couldn't possibly express them in a way that makes sense. 

I am not trying to say I am highly intelligent or anything, but my thoughts sometimes go into great detail that I find fascinating to me. And based on the response I get from my blog readers and the podcast listeners and my other various outlets, I am sure there is an audience that would appreciate them.  But it kills me that they may never be heard. I need you to just get in my head and sit around there for a while, listening and looking at the pretty pictures my thoughts create. I think it would be interesting.

I know that at some point technology will find a way, but for now I have to sit down at the computer each day and desperately try to remember what it was I wanted to talk about and how to say it. And so many times, while I am doing something else, I find myself thinking of the perfect post from start to finish and then I sit down to write it and with the click of the first keys, poof! It is gone.

That is how this post came to be. It was perfect in my head when I was standing in the kitchen making Kiddo's lunch a minute ago, and when I finished that and sat down to write I couldn't remember a darn thing about what I wanted to say, except for the part about getting in my head. I should have been recording a voice memo into my phone while I was making his sandwich.

Darn it.

I guess I will try again tomorrow.

For tonight though, I will let you in on a little corner of my brain. It's over there to the left, where the jukebox is sitting. Today's selection has been playing on repeat all day. It came up on my iPhone shuffle this morning and has been with me ever since.

Where I Stood, Missy Higgins




Until,
D :)

Feed

I have another post in the works about our vacation last week, but I can't finish it until I get some pictures edited. However today I have some random thoughts going through my head that need to get out so I thought I would put them down here.

This will not be my usual "this is what we did today" report. This will be random and all over the place - as all brain dumps are.

As simply as I can put it. I like to feed people.

Ok, random, I know, but I have been faced lately with struggling with my insane desire to speak when I shouldn't, explain when I should leave things alone, and challenge when it is better to leave things unsaid.  I have been torturing myself by holding my tongue and praying for peace, understanding and release from the things that haunt me.  But in it all I have noticed that I have this strange drive to feed.

Not necessarily in food, though you know how much I do love that.  But in other ways as well.  Some of my friends tell me I am a people pleaser.  Maybe that is true. Some of it comes from the way I react if I think someone is upset with me.  It is a mental and sometimes even physical torture for me - I anguish and hurt until I know I have fixed it. It is hard for me to just get over it.  And even if someone is upset with me over something that I didn't even do - I still feel awful. 

So, I am a feeder. I like cooking for people. I like trying to cheer them up. I like extending kindness, even when it might be rebuffed. I am like an abused dog - kick me and I will come back and lick your feet anyway.

Parts of that - I really hate about myself.  I want to be "stronger", whatever that means.  Is it really strong to brush people off; to give them the proverbial "what-eveR" and walk away? I don't like being seen as weak or annoying, but I do want to be thought of as caring.

I shoulder a lot of unnecessary burden.  I take other's troubles on to myself and feel the need to make things right, even if there is nothing I can do. I cry when others hurt. I know I can't make people get over things, or feel better about things. I can't control how others let things effect them. I can't persuade someone to change their mind unless they really want to.

So, even if you are mad at me or I am mad at you or we aren't on good terms or if things are difficult between us... if you are hurting, I want to help.  When you feel bad, I feel bad.  And helpless. And sorry. Sorry for what? I don't know - and it doesn't matter.  It is just how I feel.  And if I could find a way to make things better I would. Because all I really want is for everyone's experience in this life to be good.  I feel like I have something to offer to everyone - be it a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, or a delicious chocolate cake. I want to feed your belly, feed your eyes, feed your ears, feed your soul. I want to leave you better than I found you. I want to bring peace, understanding and grace. I want you to know that no matter how the world treats you and no matter how you treat yourself, you are loved.  I want you to stop beating yourself up for things you did, I want you to let go, I want you to learn and move on, and know that each experience in life helps us grow - experiences should never hold us back or keep us in a bad place. 

In college, our choir went through a few months of dealing with a horrible choral director.  It was awful going to class every day, listening to everyone complain and bicker, moan and groan.  At one point, a girl in my section was complaining once again how she had paid good money to go to college to learn, and that being in this director's class was such a waste.  I rarely spoke out in times like that; shoot, I rarely spoke at all.  But I'd had enough of her bickering and I told her that she could still learn from the experience.  At the very least, she could learn what NOT to do.

It probably wasn't a life altering moment for her, but it made her think (I think) and the bickering stopped. It was life altering for me though - while I was the one that said it, I had never really thought about things that way. And from then on I tried, with any experience, good or bad, to learn something, even if it was what not to do.

Life is all about how you look at it. You can take bad things and let them ruin you forever, or you can view them as a learning or a growing experience and you can move on as a better person.  Dwelling on heartache and poor decisions isn't fair to anyone, especially you.  With most things, I have chosen to forgive, to heal, to move on, and to look back only in the interest of learning and using those experiences to not make the same mistakes again. I'm not saying it is instant - a lot of it took time (sometimes a LONG time) but eventually I get there.

If I know you are hurting, I want to help. I want to find the right words, the right song, the right message. I want to bring a ray of light to your world - if only for a moment. Sometimes it is hard to sit here so helplessly, wanting to give and knowing it may not be wanted.

I want to know that my presence in your life brought you to a better place. Even if it was bad at the time, that the experience helped steer you to a better life without me. And if it was good, that it is something you can fondly look back on.

Because even the bad people in my life, even the ones that angered me or broke my heart - I am still thankful for them for making me who I am.  I am thankful that those experiences pushed me and changed my direction toward the life I have now; toward my family and my friends.  I am thankful for the heartache and the life altering decisions. I am thankful that some things didn't go the way I had hoped, because if they had, I would have never ended up where I am now.

I am thankful for the path God has put me on, even if it's not lined with rose petals.

Thanks for reading.

Until,
D :)

You and I

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive" ~Jason Mraz, You and I

This morning's church service was about the power of words. We studied scriptures in Proverbs and learned how words can be the fruit that fills or the knife that cuts deep into our souls.  The bible says "the tongue has the power of life and death".

I am a woman of many words.

I find this revelation odd because growing up, I did very little speaking. I guess I was saving it up for my adult life. Now, most people, once they get me talking, can't get me to shut up.  And God forbid you ever get into an email tussle with me; I can write for pages on end.  When the words are swirling in my head, the spin faster and faster and get louder and louder and all I can do it type as quickly as I can to get them out or they drive me crazy.  I have been known to get up in the middle of the night and write something out.  I have pulled over on the side of the road to type a note into my phone; because the words in my head won't leave me alone if they feel they need to be heard. I am owner of a number of blogs - this one of course, but a couple others that no one reads.  I save those for the things I just have to get out and express without fear of judgment or disappointing people in my life. They are my purging places and I value them greatly.

I have always known the power of words. I try to choose mine wisely, though I don't always succeed.  And in the past couple of weeks I have experienced the full spectrum of what words can do.  I have experienced the joy, I have experienced the heart ache and I have experienced the very real physical pain that words can inflict.  Words have elated me and cut me to the core.  My heart has swelled and shattered.  And through it all, the power of words is what drives me to carry on. 

When we are young and emotionally and hormonally charged, every. word. counts. Every thing that is said holds 1000 times more meaning than the average word.  Every pause, every nuance means so much.  Some people never let that go.  Into adulthood they still believe in the immense power of words and they read more than necessary into everything.  Contrarily, some adults let it all go.  Words mean nothing to them; actions are what count.  I think I am somewhere in the middle, with words still holding more weight. But actions are important for backing up words involving promises or declarations. 

We have to be careful with our words.  We have to hold them and groom them until they are just right and the timing is ideal.  We have to use them to speak the truth or they become useless and invaluable. Sometimes they get away from us and fly out messy, unruly and viscous. And sometimes they slip out of our grasp in a whisper, never to be heard.

My words count. Your words count. They mean something. Words. Have. Power.

I pray I can always find a way to say what needs to be said, in the most powerful, kind, truthful and meaningful way.

Until,
D :)

Proverbs 18:20-21
From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest of his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death. And those who love it will eat it's fruit.

One True Thing

As humans we all try to find our purpose and our place in this world. Some of us find it in our faith; through scripture and spiritual leadership. Some of us latch on to mentors or people we admire, and we carve our lives according to what we think that person has done or what they advise us to do. Some find their paths through music and art, some through their own feelings and understanding of the universe.

I would love to say that, as a Christian I find all my answers in the Word and the teachings of God. But in all honesty, my personal truth is derived through much more than that. I didn't grow up in a Christian home, and many of my early influences were very secular. I learned to be polite and soft spoken from my parents, who taught me behavior based on what they wanted and expected of me. I was taught to walk and sit like a lady by my grandmother who prided herself on being a proper southern woman. She encouraged me to try walking in my first pair of heels and I very vividly remember walking back and forth over and over across her den with a book on my head. But the ideas of being kind and a good person came not from the bible necessarily; I think a lot of it was just in my general nature and also instilled by my parents.

I think I have been searching a lot lately for my own personal truth; my purpose or the meaning of life I guess. Like Billy crystal's character in the movie City Slickers, I am looking for that "one thing". What is that one thing; that reason we are all here?

I mean, I know we all have a special purpose, or if you believe, a plan from God. And that plan is specific to us and our path of life. But in all of that there has to be a universal truth. There has to be a reason that all of this exists.

We were born to love.

These words struck me upside the head the other day as I was listening to a new song. Some of the lyrics;

Horses were made to run
And the sun was meant to shine above
And flowers were made to bloom
Then there’s us
We were born
To love.

I have come to the realization in the past few years that our lives are all about relationships. And that without the relationships, we have nothing. It doesn't matter how much we make, all the things we own, the kind of purse we carry or the car we drive - those things mean nothing, absolutely nothing in my world. To me, it's about the way you treat people and the way you behave even when no one is looking.

And I am not perfect. No one is.

But I am trying, trying, trying so much harder now to remember the relationships first. To remember to just love first. I'm trying not to get caught up in the day to day and the frustration and the irritation and the worry of this life. I am trying to be kinder, gentler and godlier. I am trying to remember daily what all this is for. It is hard - so very hard. It is darn near impossible when the kids are driving me nuts and the house is never clean and there is no money in the bank. And then something breaks and my world is sent into a tailspin. Many times in just the past two weeks I have had to stop and remember,

we are born to love. love your family. love your boys. love your husband. love.

I have heard God whisper to me and I've heard him shout. He's scolded me and encouraged, he's given and taken away. I know, through my own experiences that He uses other people and things in this world to reach His children. He's spoken to me through kind words from friends. He's placed people in my path to guide my way or to change my trajectory. His hand is in all that I do...whether I want Him there or not. ;-) And lately He has been so present, so...HERE in everything. Perhaps it is that I am finally seeing Him in my life again. Maybe I have opened my eyes wide enough to see Him. Maybe it's because I am trying to keep Him in the forefront of my life. And I see things swirling around me, around my life and my business and my family and I know change is coming. I know that after several years of being still, being stuck and stagnant things are finally moving forward.

But as soon as I see all those things; all those swirling, twisting, dancing things getting brighter and happier and shinier, something else happens.

Things start breaking. Mistakes are made. Important stuff is forgotten. Unexpected or unanticipated expenditures bombard our finances. I get frustrated at all the teeny, tiny things that seem to build and add together and chip away at my beautiful swirly cloud of sanity and happiness.

And all I want to do is stop it all. Stop all the momentum, stop all the effort, stop it all. Because it is safer and less stressful to do nothing.

But life doesn't work that way. And so here I sit, trying to make sense of it all; trying to understand what my real purpose is.

The details, I think, aren't really important. For me, it all breaks down to that one, simple phrase.

We are born to love.

And suddenly nothing else matters.

Until,
D :)

Gravity

Define your Gravity...

For some reason I have been thinking a lot lately about how we go through life trying to do so much and not ever really stopping or slowing down enough to develop our relationships with others. Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I feel like I put off relationship work (and there is always work involved, don't kid yourself) thinking "oh, they will still be around when ___ happens and I have more time to think about it and pay attention to them". But we all know that the ____ never happens, or it gets filled by another ____ and then add on ___ and ____ and the next thing you know it's been 15 years and you haven't spoken to your best friend.

Ok so maybe I am exaggerating a little, but it can happen. I have a friend, who for the longest time, called me every day. We live in the same city and I don't think I've spoken to her in over a year. Actually, it may be more like 2 years. That time has just flown, and the comfort that she is so close is enough to make her no longer a priority for some reason. I have another friend that lives even closer, and we haven't seen each other in over 15 years. I discovered she lives right down the street almost a year ago - and you would think that discovery would have sent us flying together to reunite in person, but it hasn't. Our respective lives have been established and it's hard to work someone else in. Or maybe it's just not that important. I don't know. I want it to be important. It should be important; but we keep in touch on Facebook and sadly, Facebook seems to be the preferred form of communication for people.

That is a whole other topic. Some day I will share my thoughts on that with you too. ;-)

But anyway, I have been thinking about going through life and wondering what people think of me (something I wonder about a lot), what kind of legacy I am developing, and thinking that it's not really fair or right if someone doesn't know how you feel about them. Or how you once felt. Or something. Geeze I am not making any sense here. I guess my summary thought on this is - if that person were to pass away unexpectedly, would there be something left unsaid between you? Would there be something you would want them to know before they were gone?

And if you were to pass unexpectedly, what kind of legacy would you leave behind? What would people remember about you? Were you helpful? Kind? Articulate? A friend? Were you supportive and caring or were you not? Should you have set the record straight? Should you have expressed your feelings more? Should you have shown more love, more of your inner self, more of your thoughts and feelings? How would life be different if we all knew the score?

We can't predict life and we have no idea what the world or God has planned for us. And maybe there is someone you know that, while you may keep up with them in some small way, doesn't really know how you feel about them or how you felt about something that has happened between you. If you, or they, were to suddenly be taken from this life, what would you want them to know? Aren't these thoughts and feelings important in some way??

And how would you go about getting them the message?

Because the fact is, we can work and work to have things and stuff and fabulous, rich lifestyles (whatever your definition of rich may be) but if we don't make an impact on others, if we don't create meaningful bonds and rich relationships with the people around us, all that we leave behind are things. No one will remember you for your stuff, but they will remember you for the impact you have on their lives. And if you don't really, openly communicate with them, you won't leave the legacy you want. You won't have the same impact, if any.

And that is, for me, unacceptable.

Until,
D

Empty

Hello my lovies!

I am sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but well, to be honest, yesterday totally sucked. It started with being up with Port for over an hour in the middle of the night and then weird and scary dreams before I even woke up. Then I woke up to Kiddo messing with me while I was trying to catch the lat few minutes of sweet sleep. I was cranky, and I told him if he couldn't be still he needed to go back to his room. Of course, asking a 5 year old to be still is like asking...well it's like asking a 5 year old to be still! It isn't going to happen! So I fussed at him and he burst into pitiful tears, wailing that he only wanted to cuddle with me. Of course the HUGE, GINORMOUS Boulder of Mommy Guilt crushed my chest and so I apologized and snuggled with him for a while before his brother woke up. Then I kicked myself for the rest of the day for not being a normal mom and a nice mom and cherishing every little moment I have with him because in a few short months he will be off to school and cuddling with him in the mornings will be something I will most likely never be able to do again (and probably not something he would want to do anyway). Why can't I ever remember these things in the moment? Why do I have to make him cry to trigger my brain that maybe he is still a little guy that loves me and just wants to be near me? Ugh.

So...I am PMSing. And of course the whole day just kind of went down hill from there. It wasn't that anything really was bad, there were just a million and one little annoyances that added up and by 5PM I was done, done, done. Port is teething and so he is dealing with constant (seriously like every 10 minutes) nasty diapers that are burning his little hiney no matter what I do. So I had to chase him around all day and check his diaper every 5 minutes, and every time he needed to be changed I had to wrestle him to the changing table and deal with him fighting every move I made. We went to the grocery store and I bought way more than I expected (hello! they finally have peppermint mocha creamer in the store!!). I was standing in the check out and I realized that I forgot to pick up one of the free items from the meal deal I was buying. It was a loaf of bread that I could have received for free and I totally forgot it. And of course, I am too weird about these things and the boys were right on the verge of going insane so I didn't bother asking the checker if someone could go get it for me. So I kicked myself all the way back to the van for not getting the free loaf of bread, and then opened the van to find that I had a shopping cart full of groceries and a van full of bicycles and gear. So I had to move everything out of the way and load up the groceries while the boys were losing their minds.

Then there was the usual nap time struggle and dealing with Kiddo during nap time when I am trying to get work done and all he wants to do is play with me. He likes it when we have time for just the two of us and I totally understand, but I really needed to get some things done. And once again, I told him "no" one too many times and he burst into tears and the Mommy Guilt Boulder found it's way to my desk chair. And then I fought with the boulder and the angry woman in my head who was yelling at me for feeling guilty. So there is part of me that wants to teach him to play independently and part of me that is sad that he will be starting school soon and part of me that just wants to enjoy having him around while I can. And none of my parts knows how much to give or take and what is healthiest for him and they are all angry at each other.

Confused yet?

Oh and when I was at the grocery store I bought some yogurt specifically to help little Port with his issue and when I unloaded the groceries from the van I somehow managed to leave one bag in the back.

The only thing in the bag was 5 containers of yogurt. *sigh*

Beyond that I am dealing with other things I can't discuss on here - actually anywhere, and dealing with them internally is just eating me up right now. And most of it is petty and ridiculous and blown way out of proportion by hormones and some lingering, insecurities that I really wish would go live with my 16 year old self because that is where they belong. And yesterday I was just wishing I had 1 friend that I could be incredibly selfish and whiny and a big cry baby with so I could get all of the "dark and twisty" out of my system and be done with it. But that's just not going to happen and so I was mad at myself for wanting that and feeling that way.

And then right about the time I was teetering on the edge, Hubby changed his plans and, though it was nothing at all it tossed me off the ledge. Add to that a couple of other well timed bits of information coming across my desk and by the time Hubby got home, I was a lunatic.

{welcome home Dear!}

So yeah, the day was not so hot. I wasn't planning on writing it all out like this, but I kind of feel better for doing it. One highlight was getting a phone call from a dear friend.

Today was not much better - more poop, more screaming Port, more wrestling with him every 5 minutes when I had to change his diaper, more PMS. Thankfully my sweet, dear, wonderful friend Kim made a trip to the store for her own family and offered to bring me some yogurt for the boy on her way back. Sadly, I couldn't get him to actually eat any of it until late afternoon, but I was very grateful I didn't have to go to the store myself to get it.

The day has had it's bright moments; a couple of encouraging phone calls and a semi-encouraging email, another call from another dear friend and some nice moments with the kids.

Things are starting to emerge in the garden. I have cucumber, zucchini, peas, black beans and basil sprouting. I am still waiting on green beans, corn, tomatoes, peppers, lima beans and okra. I think it has been too cold for them until recently. Hopefully they will make their way through the dirt soon.

And hopefully tomorrow will be better. Though, the weather is supposed to be yucky, so I am not getting my hopes up. And I have to do taxes. Joy.

I will try to think of something more positive to talk about tomorrow.

Until,
D :)

Thank U

Happy Monday Everyone!
I hope those of you with the day off are enjoying the time, and those of you who had to work (sorry Hubby!) are having a slow, peaceful day.

We had a busy day here today. With a birthday party to attend at 2PM, I had to put Port down for an early nap. He was not a happy camper about it, but he still managed to sleep for a full 2 1/2 hours before I woke him so we could go. He probably would have slept 3 if we weren't going to be late. Poor little guy, I don't think he's getting enough sleep.

So today is Gratitude Monday and honestly, I don't have any one person on my mind. Sure, I could pick someone and write about them on the fly, but I would much rather be motivated by emotion and real, in the moment gratitude than do something forced. Thank you to those who participated, I have enjoyed reading your outpouring of love for your friends.

I am just grateful for so much right now! I am involved in a bunch of new endeavors and exciting projects. I am motivated and working hard on my business, and I really feel like things are headed in the right direction.

And even if they are not, I still feel really good about things right now.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I am looking forward to what He has in store this year.

So, I guess, in lieu of a traditional Gratitude Monday post where I talk about one person, this is a post about...

well, everyone.

I am grateful to God for all He has given me. I have nothing without Him.

I am grateful to my family and my friends who are loving and supportive.

I am grateful to my clients who are supporting me in more ways than one.

I am grateful to my church family, who show me love and encouragement and inspiration just by being there and doing what they do.

I am grateful for the opportunities that have fallen into my lap. I can't wait to share them with you.

I am grateful for days like the last few I have had that show me that it is ok to be happy, and hopeful, and excited.

I am grateful for the readers of this blog and all my supporters here, on facebook and in daily life that encourage me to do more and do better.

I pray that I can be all that you think I can be, and feel confident enough in my abilities that I never lose courage and hope for the future.

Because right now, I am encouraged, hopeful, excited and ready for the challenges ahead.

And I don't want that feeling to end any time soon.

Encourage and show your gratitude for someone or something today. It is a freeing, wonderful thing to do.

Until,
D :)

These Small Hours

Hi there Company Girls and Beloved Regulars! I trust you had a great holiday season. Are you glad it's over? I kind of am. I never really did hit that high point in Holiday Spirit. I think things were just too busy or something. I am ready to get back to normal; to be able to go to the Walmart return desk and not have to wait an hour and a half...to go to Target and actually see what is tagged on the shelf, on the shelf. I am ready to go to the post office without having to...well I guess the post office never really changes, huh?;)

Come on in, as always I have fresh coffee in the pot. I still have a good stash of peppermint mocha creamer too if you are so inclined. And yesterday I made fresh oatmeal scotchies. Don't mess with the fudge I made though - it didn't turn out any good. I need to work on my fudge making skills. I see a candy thermometer in my future. ;-)

I am so incredibly tired. Both the boys have a nasty cold, and Kiddo was up all night because of it. I am afraid tonight will be Port's turn. He has had a really bad day so far. I think I will most likely end up on the couch with him at some point in the night. Between the fever and the nasty, phlegm-y cough, he isn't going to get much sleep. At least I can give Kiddo OTC meds to help him rest well. Poor Port doesn't have that option.

My last post about my recurring dream sparked some interesting discussion. I don't know why we have recurring dreams; I however think it may have something to do with unfinished business or something we are trying to reconcile/decide upon. For almost 15 years I had the same dream weekly about a guy I went to high school with. Our parting of ways in our early college years was abrupt and I guess for all those years I had some sort of internal issue with it. At least once a week I would dream that I was walking through the halls (usually of our high school, but sometimes college) and he would be walking with a group of people 5-10 feet away. In every dream I would call out to him and he would never acknowledge me. Or he would look my way, give me a knowing look and then act like he didn't see me. I would yell and scream and call his name but he never responded.

About 6 months ago I reconnected with him on facebook, and the dreams went away.

It's funny how that happens.

Anyway, so maybe my dream had something to do with the fact that I never finished my graduate degree, or maybe it has to do with my strong desire to participate in a photography workshop or classes.

Who knows.

On facebook, a couple of my friends commented that I was indeed an important member of my college choir. It's funny, because I never really felt that way. To me, it felt as if I was just another nice voice in the mix; that no one would miss me if I wasn't there. But I guess some people thought I was important (well, 2 people anyway. lol). And that brings me all back to what I have talked about here before; the fact that we as a society don't let others know how we feel about them. What a difference it would have made to me in my college career if someone had just once said, "you are an important part of this group". {Gratitude Monday my friends! Participate with me!}

Seriously! I know it sounds simple, and that is the point. We as humans need to know how we are perceived; we need to know how people think of and feel about us.

My husband's grandfather, every time he saw us, always said, "I am so glad you got to see me!" ;-) But, in that joke, I know it was his way of saying he was glad we were there. And it always made me feel loved and wanted.

I was discussing with Hubby the other night - if we all spoke to each other the same way the characters in tv drama shows did, it would be incredible how different life would be. Imagine being able to discuss anything with anyone. Imagine not having to sensor yourself or bite your tongue. Imagine if you could tell someone how you felt, without having to worry about the recipient bottling up their feelings as well.

Of course, that world might be a little scary. lol

But I think there really is room for improvement in this area. I think we need to be more honest and forthcoming with each other. I think we need to show our "people" how we feel about them while they are here - not just in a nice eulogy after they are gone. What good is that anyway?

So yes, it was quite the thought provoking post for me.

In other news, today is New Year's Day! A new year, a new decade, a new everything it seems.

New Years has always been a perplexing concept for me. I just don't get it. It doesn't work in my thinking.

What I mean by that is - everyone goes on and on about things being new and fresh and making change, and then a month from now everyone is back to the same old routine. And they can never figure out why it works out that way.

Well here is the thing. New Year's Day is just another day of the week. It is the same old grind; of course nothing changes! Now, if every year at New Years we had a full week where everything shut down and people were able to take some time to get things in order, maybe things would be different. Why we place so much expectation on one little day on the calendar is beyond me. Do we have more time in that day? No. Do we have less responsibility in that day, freeing up the existing time for us? Usually not. How do we expect to fit it all in, start anew and fresh and organized if there is no extra time involved to get those things in order? We can't figure it out the rest of the year, what makes January 1st so special?

I am speaking strictly from my own experience, so if you have an answer for me I would love to hear it.

And I usually try to avoid resolutions. They just don't work for me and the frustration and disappointment I face each year after once again failing is just too much trouble for me now. I haven't made a resolution in years - at least not a serious one. This year, I would like to be more organized, but golly I have no clue how to go about it. I suppose getting off the computer once in a while might free up some time...

Anyway...just something to think about I guess.

How can I reorganize my life, while living that same life I lived yesterday? There just aren't enough hours...

Until,
D :)

Finish What You Started

Here it is, the last day of November, and the last day of NaBloPoMo. I can't believe I actually made it this year!

Hopefully now I can get back to more meaningful posts, rather than the play by play day to day stuff I've been writing. Though I have to say, I like having to write every day for the most part - I think it helps keep things flowing. So often during the rest of the year I think of all these great things to write about, and then have no motivation to sit down and write it. Perhaps I should challenge myself more with the blog.



Speaking of challenges, since it is Monday, I am supposed to do a Gratitude Monday post.

There are so many people I can post about, I just don't know how to choose. God has placed so many amazing souls in my life. And to say something about them here simply won't be enough - I could never express in written word what they mean to me. They would have to hear my inner most self; they would have to feel the things I feel and get inside my head to truly understand. But still, I try. The post for Kim a few weeks ago was only the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more I can say, but the words are never quite right. I will someday write about a life long friend, Rhonda, and a new friend, Rachel. When I can find the words that are right; when my head can focus and I can wrap my mind around something more than the immediate "to do" list on my desk, I will talk about them too.

On her private blog, Julia wrote a post about me and it was so moving and touching that I get weepy every time I read it (and yes, I go back and read it often). Her post encourages me to write one about her, and when I try to focus on Julia and the impact she has had on my life, my thoughts fly out in a million directions. She blows. my. mind. on a weekly basis. I have never known someone so giving, someone so brilliant, so intuitive and kind; someone so incredibly amazing. Julia has a heart that is immeasurable. Her soul is a soul of true giving and uninhibited charity. And her mind, my goodness, her mind is open to everything, full of ideas and thoughtfulness, facts and figures.

She speaks rapidly but with clarity and intelligence. She is funny and clever. Her body and mind knows no stillness, yet she is still able to make everyone around her feel welcome, relaxed, appreciated and wanted. She is an amazing hostess; thinking of everyone and everything and attending every need. She is a great mom to 2 amazing and gifted children and she beams with pride whenever she speaks of them. She is observant, a planner, a problem solver and critical thinker. And she has encouraged me and lifted me up on so very many occasions. She has shown me what giving really is. In observing her life, she makes me aware of how selfish I can be and how being charitable doesn't always mean giving "things" or money, but instead it can mean giving time, giving encouragement, giving knowledge and giving support.

She makes me want to be a better person.

She is a blessing to my life, and for that I am so grateful.

There is so much more I could say; so much more I want to say but I just can't find the words.

I hope that you, my readers, are able to find the words today about someone in your life. Pay forward the gratitude - tell them what they mean to you.

Bless someone with your thoughts and feelings today.

Until,
D :)

Wrinkle In Time

Even though we have 2 professional photographers in the family (myself and Hubby), several very good hobbyists and various picture taking fanatics, it is very rare that anyone ever takes a picture of me. And when they do it is often terribly unflattering or embarrassing.

So most of the time I am forced to take pictures of myself. This task really leaves me the only option of producing the dreaded "myspace photo".

You know the one...

Hold the camera at arms length, point it at your face, strike a pose and hope for the best.

Yeah, so try that with a 4-5 pound camera/lens combo a few times and you can see how uncomfortable and annoying it can be.

Anyway, I was on a kick a while back with doing daily self portraits, but after about 15 I lost interest. It was just too difficult to get a decent one without a remote. There is only so much you can do from 2 1/2 feet away.

But every now and then I need to take one; in recognition of my birthday or a new hair color - such as the one I took last Thursday.
Not a bad shot - and I of course love my hair.

But unfortunately, the things I do see in this photo are kind of depressing.

I see my age creeping up on me.

Now, I know I am not that old yet, but I am definitely no spring chicken. It's just that my face is really starting to show it now. My once smooth skin has wrinkled in way more areas than I notice on a daily mirror inspection. If I zoom in to that image above the results are a bit frightening.

I know not everyone is going to get that close to me of course, but since I don't carry around a hand mirror and check my reflection in every possible light situation, I can only assume that sometimes (and probably more often than not) the "face" I am putting forward is probably somewhere close to the mid point or lower on the good skin day/bad skin day scale. The wrinkles, the dryness, the imperfections can not be hidden by good lighting and Photoshop fixes in my daily life (oh how I wish I could keep a clone tool in my make-up bag!).

So, I am left with a decision. Face my face and embrace it and learn to love my wrinkles, or fight like heck to delay the aging process for as long as possible.

I remember sitting on a restaurant patio one sunny afternoon in Phoenix, Arizona. A family was seated at the table next to us - mom, dad and a few kids. The kids were probably elementary and middle school aged, and the parents probably close to the age I am now. The mom was striking - long blond hair and beautiful features; her skin a rich, deep Arizona tan. She was extremely wrinkled on her face and arms, no doubt from years of sunning and outdoor living. And I recall mentioning to Hubby how pretty she was, despite the wrinkles, and how I hoped that if I were to wrinkle that way that I could make it look as good as she did.

My mom never really seemed to age much until recently. She held on to her smooth skin and youthful looks well into my college years. Even now she still doesn't look her age. I look at pictures of her from when she was my age and I think she looks a lot younger than I do now. And at that time my dad was a 3 pack a day, in the house/car/office smoker. So she was exposed to skin damaging chemicals all day and night. She still looked amazing.

I wonder if aging is all relative. I wonder if the reality is, it has nothing to do with genes or skin care or healthy lifestyle. I wonder if it is all in the way you carry yourself. Perhaps it is all in the attitude you take and you soul, your inner most being, whether aging is a graceful or disgraceful process.

The woman in the restaurant was happy; smiling, confident, joyful. She loved her life and it was evident in the way she talked and smiled and carried herself. It was obvious in the way the wrinkles had formed on her face. They were laugh lines and eye crinkles from lots of smiling and laughing. They were from happy days and a good life.

I don't know what kind of wrinkles I have. I hope they are from laughing at and with my children. I hope they are from the beaming smiles the kids bring to my face when I see them. I pray that I can one day wear them confidently and boldly show the world the good life I've had by wearing it on my skin.

But for now I look at the images and lament the wasted youth I once had. The smooth skin, the flat tummy and the natural blond hair are all gone. I rebel against the natural aging and darkening of my hair by transforming it to colors it was never meant to be. And I like it that way. But sometimes I wish I had appreciated my youth while I had it. And I hope that I can appreciate my middle age and my old age as they come.

I look at the pictures and I try to learn these lessons.

But I can't see past the imperfections just yet.

Until,
D :)

Thump Thump

Today has turned into one of those absolutely fabulous days. It's the kind that the temperature is just cold enough that it makes me want to sit directly in the sun. And when I do, I soak up all that good warmth and I am not bothered by the heat. Because just when I think the heat of the sun is too much, the cool wind blows and cools me down again.

And I continue the relaxing dance; warm up, cool down, warm up, cool down. I turn my face to the sun and close my eyes, imagining my happy place. For me it is always the beach. I hear the waves crash against the shore, I hear the wind and the birds, and I see the world in that blue water and sky hazed over by the orange and white light from burnt out retinas. I miss the days of soaking up the sun; not a care in the world.

My imagination vacation is interrupted by squeals and cries of "Mommy watch this!". I open my eyes to see my boys playing in the yard, enjoying the beautiful day despite the mud and nastiness still on the ground from the morning rains. The potted plants on the deck are water logged, the grass in the open part of the yard is too high and the fire ants are on track to take over the world. But for a brief moment, the stress and the emotional discord and the discipline problems all melt away as I watch my babies.

They are my sun and my cool breezes. They are my blue skies and crashing waves. They are the warmth that radiates over my skin and fills my heart.

If only there could be days like this all year long. If only, I could always remember this feeling.

Until,
D :)

Thinking Out Loud

I started this post on Wednesday when I was suddenly struck with the thought that I have some amazing friends. Now it is Thursday and I am stuck - at a loss for what to say, but still wanting to get my point across. I know that each and every one of my friends has been hand picked by God to be in my life. They are there for me when I need them, they are generous and thoughtful and kind. And though in many ways we are different, we still manage to find joy in each other's company.

I have been so blessed by their generosity. They have passed along their clothes, their unused baby formula, their diapers. They have hired me to do photo shoots and passed along job opportunities and kind words and encouragement. Some have lingered silently in the background and at just the right moment came forth with new adventures and opportunities - everything and anything I could possibly imagine that someone would need, my friends have provided in one way or another. I couldn't ask for bigger blessings; I couldn't ask for a better circle of friends.

I have come to realize that though I think relationships should go a certain way; that certain things should happen in order to consider people to be a big part of my life - well it's just not so. I don't have to spend all my time with someone for them to have major impact and importance. Some of my best friends I see less than once a year; some I see every few years, and some, even those that live close, I rarely see at all. And some, I have yet to meet in person!

This world is a strange, amazing, scary, exciting place. The impact we have on each other and our individual environments is so fascinating to me. And though at times I feel like the world may be crashing down around me, the truth is, I am fine. I am blessed. I am surrounded by those I love, and those who love me. And I hope that in some small way I can give back all that has been given to me. I hope that even though I have little means, I can find a way to pay forward all that I have been given and then some.

Because I do not deserve such kindness. Yet it pours forth and fills my soul.

Until,
D :)

On A Saturday

More conversations with Kiddo:

"Mommy, when we are up in Heaven it will be wonderful."

"Yes Baby, it will."

"When we are in Heaven, I'm gonna pick you a flower. I'm gonna give flowers to you."

"That will be lovely Baby."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

On our way to meet up with Aunt A and Uncle W - a surprise for Kiddo.

"Mommy I am excited about the surprise! I am getting so excited!!"

"That's good! I think you will like the surprise."

"What is the surprise? What surprise is it?"

"I can't tell you or it won't be a surprise. You will find out when we get there."

(looking out the window of the car as we pass different stores and landmarks. talking to himself.)
"That's not the surprise. That's not it either. Nope, not that one. Not that one either."

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Something I forgot to mention the other day... we had our first night of putting Port to bed and there was no crying!!! He just laid down and went right to sleep! I couldn't believe it. We've been doing the "training" for about a month now??!? and Port is sleeping from about 7:30pm to 8:00am every night. And actually, I could probably put him down for the night at about 6:30 or 7 because that is when he gets really sleepy. Unfortunately, if I do put him down that early, he is up before 7 and Momma can't deal with that AT ALL. Sorry, I don't function before daylight. So anyway, he went to bed and didn't even fuss. The next night he did his usual crying for about 30 seconds, but I think it was because we had a kind of messed up quiet time. He sucked down his bottle way too fast and wanted more, so I had to get up and go fix him another bottle in the kitchen. All the shuffling and whatnot kind of took him out of the "zone" and he was not happy when I put him in the crib. Thankfully he doesn't cry long though.

Naps are getting much better - I put him in the crib at nap time with his bottle and he is usually out in under 5 minutes. Sometimes he will wake up and cry about 45 minutes later, but if I leave him alone he will go back to sleep for another hour or so. He does not do well with just an hour nap so I try to make him stay in his room for 2 hours at least.

****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****

So yesterday I managed to score a nice long, hot shower by myself with no screaming children in the room and no interruptions whatsoever. It was absolute Heaven I tell you! Until...I turned my back to the sprayer to rinse conditioner out of my hair and *CLUNK!*

the ENTIRE

shower head

fell off the wall.

ugh.

And wouldn't you know it, my Handy Dandy Live In Handy Man is off riding his motorcycle with other HDLIHMen in the National Forest somewhere. So guess what I get to do today???

You are absolutely correct. I am sitting around drinking Dr. Pepper and a grape slush from Sonic.

Oh yeah, and replacing the shower head. Well, I installed the original one (and nooooo, that's not why it broke!) so I guess I should be the one to replace it, right?

[Dr. Pepper and grape slush in separate cups; not together. That would be gross. Maybe. hmmm, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try it...]

I hate doing stuff like this. But, I guess if I want to take a shower in my own bathroom this weekend, I'm going to have to replace it myself.

<--->---<--->---<--->---<--->---<--->

I have also been meaning to blog about this too... For about 3 or 4 months now (ever since he learned to crawl) Port has been making car sounds when he plays with anything with wheels. At first, I thought he was just doing his regular baby noises; he grunts and groans and makes all kinds of sounds throughout the day. But this sound is different, and it is reserved for only things with wheels (or flat objects he can push around like a car). He will push something around and make this deep guttural sound in his throat - it is the coolest thing!!!

And oh boy is this kid a charmer. Today we met up with Aunt A and Uncle W on their way back home from spring break. They haven't seen the kids since Christmas. Port was all smiles and flirty and being silly. He showed off and pranced around and grinned that ornery toothy grin that lets one know he is definitely up to something! He was a hoot.

I am so scared.

lol!

~~~>~~~>~~~>~~~>~~~>~~~>~~~>~~~

Today after we got back from the park I planted the basil, rosemary, chives and dill in my little planters. Man I hope something grows from all of this. I went back to Home Depot this morning and picked up some of the $1/bag mulch.

{I got there right as they opened and that place was a ZOO! Hello! I think everyone is doing a garden this weekend!}

So, my gardening experts out there - when am I supposed to add the mulch? After I have plants or now before everything sprouts? It seems like it would mess things up if I did it now...right?

I am so clueless about this stuff. Help!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the worst thing happened to me this week. Brace yourself.

I

ran

out

of

Starbucks

gift cards

!!!!

What am I going to do??? I had a whole stash of them from birthdays, Christmas, client thank-yous, friendly gifts. etc. and now they are all gone.

sadness

Did you know that some of those Coinstar machines will take your change and spit out Starbucks gift cards in exchange - for NO fees?

OH YEAH!!!

Except none of the ones around here do. BOO! {OMG - I totally take that back!!! I just checked and the one right by my house DOES have the Starbucks gift cards!!! YEEEEEEE!!!!!!}

I have seen a widget that I can put on my blog that allows people to donate to a registered Starbucks gift card (a dollar here, a five spot there...it all adds up)...but I don't know if I can do that. It just seems, it seems, I don't know. Kinda weird I guess. I may try it anyway - I am so *that* desperate. I love Starbucks, but man their coffee is expensive! lol!

Ahh the predicaments I am in! Tragic! ;)

Until,
D :)

Gimme More

I am so busy with editing and such. Honestly it wouldn't take me half as long if I could just carve out a couple of hours uninterrupted to work. But as it is I get a minute here, a nanosecond there, and in all it takes me 3xs as long as it should.

And in the moments that I do have a free hand, I am bombarded with ALL the things I should do. I guess I need to work on prioritizing. Because in the process of trying to get one thing done, I attempt to do a little of everything and nothing gets done. I pick up a little, throw a load in the washer, pick up the trash off the kitchen counters, send an email, edit an image half way, make a phone call, pay a bill...

It sounds like a lot but what I don't get is a clean kitchen nor do I get the laundry out of the dryer, pay all my bills, finish editing my session or respond to all the emails. If I concentrate on one thing and finish it, then Hubby comes home to a messy kitchen/living room/whatever and dinner hasn't been started.

Or something like that.

I need help.

I need more time. I need more space. I need more, more, more.

And not in a good way.

Maybe I just need more sleep, more patience, more faith.

Or maybe I just need more caffeine.

Until,
D :)