Thursday, February 24, 2011

Crazy For You

When I stare at the screen for a long time before starting a blog post, it is usually because I either have nothing to say or I have so much to say that actually putting it into words seems like the hardest thing in the world. And right now, I am in the second position - with too many thoughts going through my head and all of them making sense in their own way, but no one stepping up to organize them in some readable form. So I will try to get them all out - forgive me if it makes no sense.

I am sad today. Try as I might, I just can't muster up a happy exterior for some reason.  I am not writing this for sympathy or anything like that - just for the sheer fact that I really just want to say it out loud (relatively speaking) and get it out. I know I tend to complain a lot.  Most of the time it is just to let out the built up steam and help me to chill out a little. But in that release I try to gloss it over with humor or some sort of false cheerfulness, just to make myself feel less pathetic.

But today, I am just tired of glossing. And today I want to let it out. I debated on whether I should just put this on my other blog, the one no one reads, but it's just not as cathartic to spew your guts to no one. So, if you don't want to read about my sadness, come back later. The gloss will be back soon.

Sometimes all the little things just get me down. They overwhelm.  I stuff them down and distract myself to the point of not even paying attention to much of my life because it is just easier to be in denial than to deal with things. And I know that my life is good. I know that I am blessed beyond measure.  Let me just get that out of the way before people start wagging their fingers at me. I know that it could be much worse. Let me just have a moment to vent and purge then I will go back to counting my blessings. ok?

Sometimes I just feel sad. And really, there is no one reason for it; no one real thing that makes it particularly worse on some days and better on others. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed and depressed. It happens. I get over it, eventually. Sometimes I need to talk about it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think I do but I don't want to burden anyone with my baggage so I don't. And sometimes I, and I think everyone, just needs a good cry. And no, I am not hormonal right now.

The weather today isn't helping. The gloomy, rainy skies and gray, gray, gray everywhere just drags me down. I could not live somewhere that was like this all the time. I used to love the rain.  I used to love a good storm and I used to love starry skies and breezy nights.  When we lived in Arizona, one of the things I missed the most about Texas were the rain storms. I missed hearing the rain on the roof of the Camp (my parent's camp house I mentioned last week), I missed the thunder and the lightening, the rippling of the water with each drop, I missed the drama of it all. I loved the energy and the emotion that a good rain storm would bring. I loved the smell of the air and the wet ground afterward. When we moved back to Texas, we relished all the things that made up storms and we were glad to be back among them.

But then the kids came along and somehow the wonder and the fun of a good storm was taken away from me. Now I curse the storms that come at night, threatening to wake my children from peaceful slumber. I grit my teeth and tense my shoulders when I know I have to pick up or drop off the boy from school when it is raining. I don't like the mud the dog drags into the house after a storm floods our yard. My joints ache and my head feels full when the humidity reaches a peak before a storm. And the worst, I don't like how the storms change my mood.

And so today I am overwhelmed with life and problems and all that has been heaped upon my tiny plate, and I just want to run away. I want to find that place again where I could sit and listen to a storm with delight; where I could lie on top of the car in the driveway and watch the stars, where I could dream big, romantic dreams and not have to be responsible and practical and think about people other than myself. I miss the days of being able to make a choice and it only affect me, not everyone around me too. Perhaps I am just feeling selfish, perhaps I am longing for a freedom that a responsible person with a family doesn't have the luxury to afford. Perhaps I am just looking for an escape. Perhaps, I just miss the way things used to be.

I wouldn't give up my life and my family for anything. But I do sometimes long for things to be less complicated. I long for healed relationships, I long for closure, I long for things that should have been said. I wish I knew why things happen the way they do; why people come and go, what the purpose of it all is. I wish God would grant me that wisdom so I can understand and heal. So many people, new and old, have moved in and out of my life in the past few years, and I wish I could just sit back and take it all in with the same kind of understanding that one only gains long after the time has passed. I want to know now why things are the way they are so that I can appreciate them for what they are instead of constantly questioning everything. I want to see God's beautiful and perfect plan. I want to understand.

And I want to forget. I want to forget the bad storms and the sad times. I want to replace them with the good memories - they seem to be so much weaker than the bad ones in my head. I want to not worry about everything all the time. I want to just live my life, happy, content, and not constantly looking over my shoulder for the next thing that is going to fall in my lap. I want to just be and enjoy.

The rain has stopped. The sun is peeking out from the clouds and the birds are singing. My heart is racing and for the umpteenth time today I am experiencing a rush of adrenalin. Why? What is going on that I don't know about? What am I sensing in some subconscious form that makes my ears burn and my heart race? And why is it happening so often right now? I wonder if I am sick or if I am just connected to something beyond my own understanding.

Ok. I will put the crazy back into the box now. The men in black coats with the mind erasers will be at your door shortly. ;) But, if you have ever felt this way too, I would love for you to share that with me in the comments. While I am not looking for someone to make me feel better, it would be nice to know that someone understands and feels the same sometimes.

Until,
D :)

1 comment:

Wiley said...

The gray outside always has the potential to leave me feeling a little blah... But it looks like the sun is finally coming out and the fog is lifting, so here's to a better afternoon!

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