I am at a loss today. There are a couple of things I want to write about, but the words just aren't coming. Perhaps I should marinate on the topics a bit longer before I try to pour it out on here.
I think we are all starting to feel the stresses of the holidays. Seems like everyone I know has a grievance of some sort, many have more than their fare share. I wonder why all of this happens this time of year. Why does it seem like everything breaks and people get sick and "stuff" gets in the way of our holiday merriment? Add to that the holiday "merriment" itself - I mean who among us has a perfect holiday every year? I can't count how many people I know have suffered some disappointment on behalf of family, themselves and/or friends. All that planning and dodging and making believe things are a certain way; the holding up appearances and stifling hurt feelings and embarrassment and just trying to make it through without anyone noticing you are struggling. It's exhausting. I feel for all of my friends that are having these issues and wish I could do something about them, knowing full well that my sympathy is about all I can afford. Heck, I have my own appearances to upkeep and let me tell you, we don't even attempt to make ourselves look that great. The minimal we do is sometimes a struggle.
I realize I am being a bit cryptic about all of this. Perhaps it is just that life is normal for us all, but because of the "holidays" and everything that simple word implies is upon us that we more painfully feel the strain. Perhaps we spread ourselves too thin; thinking we have all the time in the world, gosh, a whole month at least, only to realize there are only about 3 short weekends that everything falls on. Every year I make all these plans in my head - the gatherings, the gifts, and my goodness the baking! Every year I make one batch of cookies and forget everything else! :) I guess I am a bit ahead this year; I have made 2 apple pies so far (though if I was being honest, they were not the best looking things - but they tasted good anyway) and a batch of cookies or two. But the gatherings and all the rest of it probably aren't going to happen.
We seem to be at a point in our lives when our friends are taking different paths. I guess you could call it adulthood; you choose your partner and family and career and set forth and it leads you where it will, and if your friends take similar paths all is well. When I was growing up, it seems like most of my parent's friends worked at the same company, (or something similar) they all had kids about the same age and they all had very similar incomes and interests. (and if the incomes were different, it balanced out some how) That doesn't seem the case with us. Maybe it just takes time, but our friends are those we've had since high school or earlier. We all do different things, our incomes are VASTLY different and our lifestyles could not be any more diverse. It is hard to get things together; there is always someone who feels uncomfortable or who doesn't want to be there, someone who desperately wants to hang but can't because financially it isn't reasonable, and still others who just don't find value or interest in keeping up with the latest ____ (fill in the blank - fashion, sports, technology, whatever). I struggle with the knowledge that hubby and I really don't have friends that are just like us.
Now, I know. I hear you. Some of you are saying if we would just go ahead already and join a church/community/etc. we would be able to find new friends with similar interest and situations. But honestly, I don't really believe it. Hubby and I are both painfully socially awkward, loner types and I just don't see us making new, life long friends anytime in our future. I guess that's why we have several dear, old friends. They know us, they love us, and there is very minimal effort involved in keeping them. And I love our old friends; truly. And I am so appreciative of them; but as I am sure I have mentioned before most of them live far away, or as stated above, have very different paths to follow, and daily I grow more weary of trying to keep up.
Sometimes we try so hard to identify and "fit" this mold that we want to run far, far away from, just to keep ties with these old friends. And daily I find the urge to run away growing stronger and stronger. Ideally I could move out to the country somewhere that no one knows us and happily live far away from the nearest mall or Starbucks. I would drive a beat up old pick-up and lay in the back watching the stars for nights on end. I would let my hair grow to my waist and forget what kind of make up I wear because it's been so long since I even opened the make up bag. And I could enjoy the crows feet and laugh lines on my face because they are symbols of basking in the warm sunshine and the laughter my beautiful family has provided. But, in our slice of the real world, that country dream will probably never become reality.
Ahh, I guess this is one of my random, epically long posts. I am feeling drained and stressed and so very, very tired. Perhaps if Kiddo would allow me 6-8 straight hours of sleep I would not feel so blue. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.
Perhaps it is time for another PMS treat of the month.... ;)
Until,
D :)
1 comment:
Aahh, I like that dream. I vote to keep the make-up bag though :)
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