All By Myself

I'm here! I really am - sorry to leave you all while I was in such a pitiful state. Thank you for the concern. Really, I am just going through the typical ups and downs that come with a new baby; and I know many of you out there can relate.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends that check up on me and offer to help. And well, there is always Hubby here that I can abuse. ;)

I think Saturday's all day wakefulness was a fluke. Actually, I think Port is on a sort of 36 hour schedule, rather than the 24 hour schedule the rest of us follow. We kind of have an every other day/night thing going on here. Sunday night he went down around 11:30 and slept till 4:30, then was up for about 30 minutes before going back down for another 3 1/2 hour stretch. I didn't have to put him in bed with me at all, which was so nice. Last night however, he was down at 11:30, up at 1:30 for a while, in he bed with me for a couple of hours, up again for a while, in the bed, in the bassinet, etc. etc. He slept all day yesterday though, so I was not too surprised. Today he has been awake more often than not, so I am hoping that we all sleep well tonight.

So I am right now just getting by. Those of you with kids know what I mean, I am not doing anything extra; we are purely on survival mode. I cannot say I am getting a shower every day, I cannot say we are really eating well because cooking is quite the chore, and I can say that it has been days since I have left the house. Kiddo has watched far too much tv and eaten far too much junk - but that is just what we are having to do to survive right now. About the only thing I am keeping up on, again out of pure survival, is the laundry.

Mercy, I'd forgotten how much laundry one little 10 pound person can produce! And of course, little Port has that perfect baby timing - having a blow out, bomb everything within a 3 foot radius poopy diaper immediately after I have washed all his diapers, clothes and blankets; peeing on me immediately after a very rare, very precious shower. *sigh*

I am doing more laundry now than I thought possible for a family of 3 1/2, and the "1/2" is the one producing the most!

Anyway, my mental state fluctuates, but over all I am ok.

I think I would actually be doing better if I had something else I had to do - for instance, when Port has a doctor's appointment, it is much easier to get everyone ready and out of the house than if I just need to go to the grocery store. When there is a time obligation I am more likely to have it together.

I am looking forward to getting back into doing photo shoots. Call me! ;)

Port is still wonderful; he is still relatively quiet, but has found his scream when he feels he needs it. He is good about sleeping most anywhere, and during awake times does a lot of staring out the windows of the house. He is still getting hiccups 4 or 5 times a day (as he did in the womb). We haven't had much eye contact yet, he looks around us quite a bit and since feeding isn't always that held in the arms gazing into one another's eyes kind of experience, I eagerly anticipate the time that he starts to smile. I think Kiddo smiled pretty early on, but he and I had a lot more "face time". Poor Port unfortunately is subjected to being laid down on a pillow and having his bottle held by one hand while my other hand is doing something else; holding my own food, holding a pump, etc.

I have developed some sort of weird rash on my chest and neck. Not sure what that is all about. Nothing has changed, but there it is.

Kiddo is challenging at best. He has his sweet moments, but for the most part he is pushing the limits on everything, arguing at everything that comes out of our mouths (whether good or bad) and just being awnry in general. I am too tired to fight him, so he gets a lot of time outs throughout the day. I am having to rethink everything I do with him; most of the time what I need to do goes against every reaction I have. Sunday morning, he came into our room and Port was in the bed with us. Kiddo wanted to "lay next to baby brother" so I scooted us all over a bit to make room. When Kiddo climbed in the bed, he laid down kind of high up on the pillow, and was dangerously close to Port so that I was fearful that he would get hit in the head with an elbow or knee. I was trying to get Kiddo to scoot down a bit and sure enough he whacked Port in the head. My reaction was to get upset, which I sort of did, but it was an accident and Kiddo really was just trying to be sweet and cuddly with his brother. As with every time we say anything to him about being gentle with Port, Kiddo got his feelings hurt at my reaction and started to shrink out of the room, rejected. Thankfully I thought fast and jumped out of bed, scooped Kiddo up and carried him out to the living room. He and I sat on the couch and cuddled for a long time, just like we used to do every day before Port was born. It was such a nice moment for us - I miss those morning cuddles soooooo much.

Kiddo used to greet me every morning with "Good morning Mommy!". This morning was the first time I've heard those sweet words since Port was born. Most mornings now are begun with crying or whining.

My back has been bothering me again. Time to do some yoga I guess.

Well, I think my brain is fried. Hubby is going to be out late, late tonight so I have a lot to do on my own before we can all call it a day. Wish me luck getting Kiddo's bath and whatnot coordinated by myself. ugh.

If I regenerate a brain cell I'll write more later.

Until,
D :)