Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm Sensitive

Sleep deprived ramblings...

I think a lot (not all I realize) of new mommies must get PPD simply due to sleep deprivation. I am so sad today. Not sad in the "I'm gonna jump out the window" kind of way, but sad in the "I really just want to close my eyes and sleep for a long, long time because I have been sitting here for hours waiting for the baby to wake up so we can go to the store but I don't even know how I am going to get two kids in and out of the car without someone getting run over and by the time to baby wakes up to eat again it will be time to pump but we are out of vital stuff and I desperately need bananas and why on earth do I need bananas when we are out of formula and the baby needs a sun hat but it isn't really important because we never get out of the house anyway because I can't figure out how to get 2 kids in and out of the car without someone getting run over or left behind, oh my gosh what if I forget one of them because I am really sleepy but I won't have any opportunity to get a nap because every time I lay down someone needs something and it is time to pump anyway......."

It's enough to drive someone insane.

My eyes are so tired; the lids are heavy. I just want to cry because it will make them feel better. But if I do that I can't pump any breast milk. Why is that? Is my hydration at such a fine balance that a few tears suck the fluid out of my breasts? Because I haven't had the opportunity to wash my makeup off each night, I now also have a lovely stye on my right eye. It is all puffy and itchy and painful. Joy.

The baby has been asleep in the car seat since noon. It is 3:45 now. Cripes, I am never going to get anywhere. By the time Hubby gets home it is too late and I can't go tomorrow either unless I want to take both kids along. Sunday is probably out too. It never ends around here.


And on a totally unrelated, totally TMI note, why is my dog suddenly obsessed with mating with the neighbor dog?? First of all, my dog is FEMALE, and second, she's been fixed for over 4 years now. Why is she assuming the position on the neighbor dog today? I have broken them up twice. She tried to have a go at the cat the other day. Seriously.

Too many hormones in this house I think. Anyone need some? I'll divvy them up for you.

I have been yelling at everyone today. The dog, poor Kiddo (why can he not just pick something up without arguing with me or playing with every piece for 40 minutes before it goes in the bucket?), myself too [wake up you lunatic!] - I don't like yelling. It's not my thing.


In response to some of the questions from yesterday:

Kiddo is handling things pretty well. He was super helpful at the beginning, but now has pretty much grown indifferent to being a helper when it comes to Port. He does seem to genuinely like him though, and likes to wrap his arms around him and tell him he loves him. When Port is awake, Kiddo laughs hysterically at the faces he makes and the things he does. On occasion Kiddo will get down and "be sad" for no obvious reason, and one time he told me he was mad at Port, but he didn't seem to know why. Kiddo has been taking a lot of his aggression out on me though, which just adds to my already ginormous guilt. Sometimes I feel like our bond is completely gone. He answers every question I ask with "no" and rebuffs every attempt I make at being fun or nice or sweet or cuddly or just normal. I can't have a conversation with him anymore without him yelling at me at some point or snapping back at me for no reason. It is hard for me to deal with. I feel like he blames me completely for disrupting his life. I have to say it has gotten somewhat better though now that we don't have visitors here giving him lots of extra attention. He has been much more pleasant the past few days. And I realize that all of this may not be because of Port, but also because Kiddo is three and that is just the phase of life that he is in. Too bad they are piled on top of each other.

We are using Enfamil formula. Thank you to those that asked. I really want to use the generic like we did with Kiddo, but the one time we tried it with Port he was miserable for several hours with gas and burping. Poor guy.

And yes, I have heard of and used breast shields. They were my nemesis when I tried to breastfeed Kiddo. They lowered my supply and Kiddo was so dependant on them that it was insane. I remember a few times we went out and I forgot the dang thing and I couldn't feed Kiddo because of it. I hated them. This time, I tried using it once or twice (even though I didn't want to) and Port couldn't latch to it either. I think it was too big for his little mouth. He really doesn't like opening up to take anything. I even have trouble sometimes getting the bottle to work. He will suck on the tip of the nipple until he gets good and hungry and then he will take it properly. I don't think natural breast feeding is in the cards for us. So I pump. and pump. and pump...

This is getting long. Time for pictures... this is nine days. He discovered side sleeping and took a 4 hour nap.
and this is 2 weeks old. He was not happy about being put in a sunny window. :)

I'm still working on the birth story when I can. I will get it on here soon.


D :)


Julia said...

Oh Dawn! *HUGS* I could have written your post, and yes I really do think that S is having adjustment issues to Port because he's behaving exactly as C did. It wasn't until just the past few days that C has finally let up on the "make Mommy feel guilty about having #2" mode, though she is still more standoffish and edgier than her pre-baby brother high strung self. I was terrified to take multiple kids out, but I just made myself do it to get over the hump. I so want to tell you that it gets easier because I know that it will, but I'm just only 1.5 weeks ahead of you here in the game so its still rough going for me too. We'll both survive. :D (BTW, I've got an Enfamil Lipil sample can for you, and I'll save you the formula checks if I get anymore in the mail.)

TitanKT said...

You're a real champ for being so dedicated to pumping. I couldn't breastfeed my kid either and made myself INSANE for two weeks trying to pump. I finally gave it up because, as you have discovered, pumping AND feeding = NO SLEEP for you and a Mommy that tired is not a good thing.

I agree that PPD is brought on by sleep deprivation plus hormones and all the upheaval of suddenly having a new person living in your house. Keep in mind that it's really okay to make things as easy on yourself as possible.

And if you're really feeling unmanageably sad or unhappy, for God's sake, talk to you doctor. I had PPD very bad and for two weeks I was literally hysterical ALL day. It was far and away the most miserable time of my life and I feel foolish now for not doing anything about it. And it's such a difficult thing to admit to, particularly with mine because a large component of it was fear so I was afraid to tell anyone or do anything. Sometimes it just takes someone else telling you it's okay to get help if you think you need it.

You're a great mommy, Dawn, and your children are beautiful.

Abby said...

Yep. It was that way for me after having Davis and then Xander too. Those first 2-3 weeks just are not fun. Thankfully, my husband took off three weeks, almost 4 when I had Xander. It kept me sane.

Funny thing now? Xander seems so big and I miss the baby days already! One more would not be a bad idea right?

It gets better. It does. They sleep. Don't cry as much. Settle in to live on earth.

Take it easy. This too shall pass...

Vick said...

Tons of hugs - I can totally relate to pretty much everything. If I can do anything, please let me know. This is such a tough adjustment. It *will* all be okay in time, but it takes a little while to get there.

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