Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Good and the Bad

I just can't stop crying today.

In a post log ago, I explained why I have a hard time being happy. This has been another example to add to the growing list.

Yesterday was a great day. Actually the past couple of days have been great. Yesterday though I managed to get my stuff together and took the Kiddo to a local small water park. He and I both had an absolute blast - it was really a great day. We went for pizza afterwards and Kiddo was so good. When we got home I was energized; I did laundry, wiped down the bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen and tackled a couple of lingering projects. I felt great for most of the day. I felt joy. I let go.

Today started out well, a bit early, but I was still riding on the fumes from the day before. Then my sister-in-law called. A mutual friend of ours lost her sweet, sweet baby this past weekend. He was 2, and as with any loss, the story was tragic.

I just can't stop thinking about it, and all the implications for the family, their friends and all those involved. I can't stop thinking about something like that happening to me. I don't like thinking of such horrible things.

Part of my semi-superstitious mind thinks that if I think about those things, they are more likely to happen. Like in some strange way, thinking of the situation gives the universe permission to, well, allow such tragedy.

I know that is not how things work. I believe differently. But part of me, a very small part, aches and worries and screams and cries - why did we have to talk of such things? Why did we have to mention such unspeakable thoughts?

I can't even begin to clear my mind; to settle the cries and agony and grief. I cannot lift my head today.

Thankfully Kiddo hasn't really acknowledged the pain I am experiencing. I do just want to scoop him up, hug him tight and crawl back into bed. The covers and darkness hold such security right now. If I don't see the sun I don't have to acknowledge the day.

It is just too much.


Julia said...

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's (and your) loss.

Kat said...

Hearing about the loss of a child even one I don't know is enough to make me want to go check 4 little beds for breathing. It's just being a mother, I think. The thought of something happening to a child is almost more than I can endure sometimes.

It's ok to feel. I think way too often our society wants to prescribe just how much and how long we should feel afraid or sad. For their own comfort they want us to get back to normal

Jennifer said...

This is really sad and I don't blame you for feeling this way. I would be devastated too and like you I would be worried about my child. Hope you feel better today.

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm so sorry. I think once we are parents, we are mothers of them all somehow and each loss is, in a way, ours.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I will be praying for them...and for you as well.

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