Crazy

I really think I should be on some anti-anxiety meds or something. Seriously. I keep having panic attacks and they just aren't fun. In the past, I would get them in times of great stress, especially if I was on birth control pills. But, I no longer take bcp (because they make me crazy) and so the only thing I can figure is I'm under a lot of stress.

So far this week I've had 3 of them; the last one being the worst. What happens is usually I have a vision of something bad happening; and accident or whatever, and it is so real that my heart races, I get tense all over and I feel every emotion that I would feel as if it was really happening, ten fold. The last one I had brought me to tears and forced me out of bed. The darkness was only making it worse - so I got up and played on the computer for a while trying to distract my brain. I didn't leave the house at all the next day, for fear of the scenario coming true.

Now rationally I know that we can't always explain these things; and I am by no means psychic (maybe psychotic though ;) )but man, they really bug me out. I just can't get past them for days.

I think they have something to do with hormones though, because like I said I got them a lot when I was on bcp, and they seem to be more intense and frequent when I am pms-ing.

And if I were single, I suppose this would be the kind of thing that would easily make me a shut-in. I know that terrified-to-go-anywhere feeling. It can be debilitating. Between this and my social anxiety it's a wonder I ever leave the house.

But thankfully God has blessed me with a family and responsibility and a wonderful part time photography gig, and so I am happy to report that I got out of the house today and interacted with the outside world. I crossed a very dangerous intersection 4 times, the very one in my vision, and was completely safe. Don't think for a moment though that I wasn't praying like a mad fool and was almost in tears once I got across.

Baby steps I guess.

Just thought I'd share more of my messed up mind.

Until,
D :)