Thursday, July 26, 2007

Crazy

I really think I should be on some anti-anxiety meds or something. Seriously. I keep having panic attacks and they just aren't fun. In the past, I would get them in times of great stress, especially if I was on birth control pills. But, I no longer take bcp (because they make me crazy) and so the only thing I can figure is I'm under a lot of stress.

So far this week I've had 3 of them; the last one being the worst. What happens is usually I have a vision of something bad happening; and accident or whatever, and it is so real that my heart races, I get tense all over and I feel every emotion that I would feel as if it was really happening, ten fold. The last one I had brought me to tears and forced me out of bed. The darkness was only making it worse - so I got up and played on the computer for a while trying to distract my brain. I didn't leave the house at all the next day, for fear of the scenario coming true.

Now rationally I know that we can't always explain these things; and I am by no means psychic (maybe psychotic though ;) )but man, they really bug me out. I just can't get past them for days.

I think they have something to do with hormones though, because like I said I got them a lot when I was on bcp, and they seem to be more intense and frequent when I am pms-ing.

And if I were single, I suppose this would be the kind of thing that would easily make me a shut-in. I know that terrified-to-go-anywhere feeling. It can be debilitating. Between this and my social anxiety it's a wonder I ever leave the house.

But thankfully God has blessed me with a family and responsibility and a wonderful part time photography gig, and so I am happy to report that I got out of the house today and interacted with the outside world. I crossed a very dangerous intersection 4 times, the very one in my vision, and was completely safe. Don't think for a moment though that I wasn't praying like a mad fool and was almost in tears once I got across.

Baby steps I guess.

Just thought I'd share more of my messed up mind.

Until,
D :)

3 comments:

Carrie said...

check your email :)

Jen said...

Auh Dawn, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'll be praying for you, for peace...that has got to be the worst feeling...

ImBlessed2x said...

Oh how stressful. I'm so sorry! I know a few people that are on anti-anxiety meds. Ask me if you'd like on IM and maybe you can chat with them a bit. May help...? Big Big Big hugs to you.

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