Monday, November 28, 2011

The Heart of Life | NaBloPoMo day 28

I am feeling discouraged today, and hormonal, and a little too....real for my liking. I feel like I am running 90 miles an hour, working waaaay too hard and spinning my wheels, and at the same time sitting here doing nothing, waiting on something to happen. I am trying to trust, trust, trust when all my being is telling me to just take over and get something done. Make things happen. It feels like the more I try, the less I accomplish. The more I put into my house, the messier it gets. The more I put into my business, the less business I get. I feel a tremendous amount of weight on my shoulders.

But I have to have faith. I have to trust. I have to let go and not worry. This is what I am commanded to do, and this is what I strive for. But the day to day, today, is just wearing me down.

Yesterday I was having a hard time with the kiddos and I had been reduced to yelling. I hate getting like that; sometimes it seems like the only thing that gets the boys to do anything around here. At one point, after particularly upsetting Port, he came to me and asked to be picked up. He is still my little cuddly guy. I picked him up and he got on his knees in my lap so he could look me straight in the eye and he said, "Mummai, I want you to be nice to me."

ugh

The guilt just crushed me.

He threw his arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hugs. He hugged and hugged and hugged, and even threw in a sweet kiss or two before he snuggled down in my lap and cradled my arm.  Of course, I just melted into a big ol' blob of adoration for my sweet boy and within less than a minute he had fallen asleep.

I wish I had a big lap to snuggle into when I was having a hard day. I wish that I could just ask the world to "be nice to me" and give it a hug or two and all would be better.

Until,
D

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