But I have to have faith. I have to trust. I have to let go and not worry. This is what I am commanded to do, and this is what I strive for. But the day to day, today, is just wearing me down.
Yesterday I was having a hard time with the kiddos and I had been reduced to yelling. I hate getting like that; sometimes it seems like the only thing that gets the boys to do anything around here. At one point, after particularly upsetting Port, he came to me and asked to be picked up. He is still my little cuddly guy. I picked him up and he got on his knees in my lap so he could look me straight in the eye and he said, "Mummai, I want you to be nice to me."
The guilt just crushed me.
He threw his arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hugs. He hugged and hugged and hugged, and even threw in a sweet kiss or two before he snuggled down in my lap and cradled my arm. Of course, I just melted into a big ol' blob of adoration for my sweet boy and within less than a minute he had fallen asleep.
I wish I had a big lap to snuggle into when I was having a hard day. I wish that I could just ask the world to "be nice to me" and give it a hug or two and all would be better.