Monday, November 21, 2011

You're The Inspiration | NaBloPoMo day 21

So, you all may or may not know I am currently trying my hand at writing. I am in the process of writing one book and also mentally developing a second one.  So occasionally my mental development hits inspiration and I have to spew the words out before they either 1) drive me insane, or 2) disappear, leaving me frustrated and extremely sad that the moment of pure, raw emotion was forever lost. 


The following is a piece that I wrote back in July when the words swirled around in my head to the point that I had to either write them down or check myself into the loony bin. They were that strong and that powerful and controlling.  So, I put this in one of my other blogs back then, and I tonight it just felt right to bring it here...

When you are young you are full of emotion and instinct. There isn't much control of either and when emotions are high (which they always are) you react on instinct more than logic.  It is a magical and confusing and heart breaking time, and unfortunately, more big decisions about life are made in that time that shape who you are than in any other time of life. Make one wrong choice and you can send yourself hurling down a path that you may not want 5, 10 or 15 years from then. And by the time you are an adult it is too late to go back and change your path, and you are committed to too much to not risk everything you love to make the change.

When we are young, we live in the moment. We don't think about the future in more than a big cloud in the sky sort of way. We don't yet know the details, the day to day challenges and the little things that add up to big joy and big frustration.  We don't yet realize how small choices can lead to big life factors; how the "big" decisions really aren't that important and how the time that we have is so unique and special, when we are young. Living in the moment is so exciting and dramatic, and when you are in your teens drama is a way of life. We feel, we experience everything as if it were the first time (and it often is) and our senses are heightened and electric with impulse and fire. We challenge. We challenge authority, we challenge ideas and we challenge...everything.

When I was a teen, I often challenged the weather. My moods and feelings were altered and were reflected in the sun, the wind and the storms. I soaked up the peace that the warm sun would bring. I would sit on top of my parent's van at night and watch the stars and follow the moon. I wished on falling stars, I talked to the sky.  Storms brought passion and love and sadness. They manipulated events and feelings, the held promises of a future that I never got to see.  I loved the weather and I thought it held power. I would stand in the wind and stare it down as if I could control it. I pleaded with the wind and the thunder and the stars to send me signs and answers to my troubles. And somewhere between then and now, I stopped listening and I stopped challenging. Now, thunder and wind sends me running for shelter and makes me worry for my children. I don't want to get wet in the rain and I certainly don't like driving in it or dealing with the mud the dog tracks in the house afterward. Storms lost their passion and their beauty and became little more than a nusiance.

I have been dealing with some things. Stress and emotions that I can't control any longer have forced me into a time of much reflection and deep thought.  And suddenly I am looking to the outdoors and the solace of the quiet that it can sometimes provide; that quiet away from the distractions of electronics and children and things that make noise allows me to ponder the things that trouble me, or quiet my head for a moment of peace. I enjoy being in my garden, sometimes with music in my ears, sometimes not, and just letting my mind run where it wants to. I enjoy that time of living in the moment and letting raw feelings take over.

A couple of weeks ago I was in my garden and as I was finishing up my tasks a storm began to blow in. Normally I would have hurried into the house but for once, I felt I needed to stay. The wind kicked up and the sky turned pink and I stood there in the middle of my yard, face into the wind. I challenged it to blow on me, to knock me over. And as my hair whipped around my head and my eyes filled with tears from the debris blowing in and the emotion I was feeling, I felt my spirit awaken with an energy I haven't felt in many years.

When I come home late at night now, I pause for a moment to look at the sky. And that child in me is still there, pleading to the stars for answers. I have no more power now to interpret them than I did then, and I feel my heart breaking in the silence just the same as before. And yet I linger, thinking one more moment, one more glance to the heavens will be enough.

Until,
D :)

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