Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Hands

Two free hands.

It's not generally something one would wish for, but in my case it would be a dream come true.

*sigh*

Port is going through, something right now. I don't know what it is - teething, growing, milestones, all of the above. But in the process he is about to break me. He won't sleep during the day, he won't let me put him down and he is restless at night. I can only carry him in the BabyHawk for so long before he gets too hot and starts screaming. And there is only so much I can do standing up anyway.

Two free hands. With two free hands I could do so much! I could unload and reload the dishwasher. I could clean my kitchen. I could pick up the house. I could vacuum, do laundry, put things away, write thank you notes from Kiddo's birthday, work on images, heck, I could even blog.

The only reason I am able to write this post is because it is after 11 and everyone is asleep. I am up pumping so it is still somewhat difficult, but much more manageable than during the day.

I know it's bad when my Hubby asks me if I am ever going to blog again.

I just need two free hands.

I have felt like such a failure lately. Failing at being a wife, a mother, at keeping up the house and responsibilities. It is hitting me hard right now. Port is demanding so much of me - and the funny thing is he's not even what I would consider "high needs" or "spirited", he is just the happiest little guy you've ever seen, but he just doesn't like me to put him down or leave his side. He doesn't really fuss or cry (unless Hubby is holding him) but rather, he does this prehistoric dinosaur scream.

I've been calling him Screech.

I need a serious break. I just need a few hours without the kids to pick up the house and get things back in order.

I feel so bad for Kiddo too. Life is so unfair for him right now. He has taken a serious interest in sports lately. He is fascinated by basketball, soccer and football. Every day he asks me to take him to "a sports place" so he can play sports. Yesterday his obsession was basketball. He put this band from a miner's hat around his head, put on his "sport shoes" and carried a baby ball around the house pretending to play basketball. He got so upset when I wouldn't take him to a basketball court to play. Today the sport was soccer. He donned the sport shoes again and carried around his soccer nerf ball. He must have asked me 100 times to take him to a soccer game to play. "It's just right up the road Mommy" he said.

It breaks my heart that I can't nurture this side of him. Not only do I just not have the time or the energy, we don't have the money for that kind of thing either. I would love to see him run around a soccer field kicking at a ball. I can only imagine how cute that would be. And Hubby is not a "team sport" kind of guy so there won't be any enthusiasm from his side.

I know things will get better, I know things could be worse, but I still have to wonder where that fine line is - where does it change from putting everything on hold until Port gets a little easier to whoops we just missed all the childhood opportunities! Kiddo doesn't get to experience much, and I am so scared of bringing him up in such a stagnant environment that he misses out on all the things he should be experiencing at this age. Does that even make sense? I am terrified that he may lose his senses of curiosity and wonder before he can even develop them.

I probably need more than two hands.

Until,
D :)

2 comments:

jhjohnstone said...

Oh Dawn, I remember those exact feelings, and sometimes still feel like that (with a 7 and 4 yr old). Eli has been asking me at least 10 times a day when he can go fishing (with his "new" fishing rod that he's had for 2 months and never used!). There's just not enough time in the day for all the work, family and house things that must be done. I don't have an answer for you, except maybe try to schedule some specific time to do something that you deem very important. Is there anyone who can keep Port for a few hours while you take Kiddo on a special outing? I know, easier said than done. **sigh** This mommy thing is so hard and heart-breaking sometimes. I wish it could be all smiles and joy all the time.

By the way, the pics of Port are adorable. I (for one) forgive you for your infrequent blogging! :-)

Jackie

Jen said...

Oh I know just what you mean. Funny you mention his scream because we call Lily's the Terodactal scream! She has it, bad. She also is not a fan of just chillin out on her own, she will for a bit, but not too long. She was so laid back a few weeks ago, not sure what happened! Anyway, my heart goes out to ya. It's hard juggling it all, that's for sure.

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