Runaway

I am not in a good mood today. I have to admit, I think it's quite an accomplishment that I have been relatively happy for the last couple of weeks, barring a few rapid mood swings brought on by the hormones. But today...today I am just not feeling it. It must be the weather. It's gorgeous today, but bitterly cold and it's tormenting me. I WANT to be out in the sun, to breathe the fresh air, to feel the breeze, but going out there is sheer torture. The wind is icy, the sun, though bright, provides no warmth, and the chill makes my joints ache.

I discovered yesterday that a minor problem I have been having off and on since I was pregnant with Port is actually related to the dreaded lupus. I thought it was something else entirely, and was getting frustrated with my attempts to fix it. Now that I have the answers though, I am still upset because it really means my body is not functioning properly. And, I know that some of it has to do with the fact that I am not eating very healthily. My diet isn't horrible, but it could be better. My sugar cravings are out of control and I can feel the spiraling downward. I need to get a grip, but I am simply not motivated to do so.

It's funny, just when I think I have a grip on one thing (for example right now, my business) I lose grip on other things. I want to be whole; I'm so tired of being fragmented.

I don't talk about the dreaded lupus much, because honestly, I don't really think much about it. I am very fortunate to not have to deal with it, or whatever it is I have. But it does seem to get to me when I discover yet another thing that ails me is a byproduct of it. It is frustrating; though I know it could be a lot worse. I am truly thankful that it is not.

I don't want to drag a depressing post out forever so I'll quit. I do have an interesting thing to say about my trip to the grocery store this morning.

I was pushing the boys in the cart down the cleaning products isle when I noticed something on the floor. It was a kitchen knife - obviously not new and definitely out of place in the floor of the isle. It was one of the smaller knives in a typical set; about 3 inches long. About 6 feet in front of me there was a woman, in her 40s, who was sort of frantically digging through the pockets of a jacket that she had laid across the child seat part of her shopping cart. She was talking on the phone which she held between her ear and shoulder. If I had just passed her in the store at any other time she would have appeared to be perfectly normal. I stepped over the knife as if I didn't see it, and passed her in the isle (just to see if I could get a better sense of what was going on). When I passed, she turned around and retrieved the knife and shoved it into the pocket of the jacket she had been searching through.

Now, I cannot possibly imagine why someone would be carrying a knife like that in their jacket pocket, but I didn't want to stick around to find out so I carried on with my shopping, heading in the opposite direction, far away from her. She didn't seem upset or angry or anything worth being alarmed over; perhaps she put it in her pocket by accident or for some other odd reason and then forgot about it. I don't really want to speculate why she had that knife in the store.

But what really got to me; what raised the hairs on the back of my neck was what I heard as I was pushing my cart away from her in the isle.

The piped in music in the store suddenly came in loud and clear...

"Run away, run away, run away and save your life. Run away, run away, run away if you want to survive!"

Oh yes, it was.

Until,
D ;)