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Hello my lovies!

I am sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but well, to be honest, yesterday totally sucked. It started with being up with Port for over an hour in the middle of the night and then weird and scary dreams before I even woke up. Then I woke up to Kiddo messing with me while I was trying to catch the lat few minutes of sweet sleep. I was cranky, and I told him if he couldn't be still he needed to go back to his room. Of course, asking a 5 year old to be still is like asking...well it's like asking a 5 year old to be still! It isn't going to happen! So I fussed at him and he burst into pitiful tears, wailing that he only wanted to cuddle with me. Of course the HUGE, GINORMOUS Boulder of Mommy Guilt crushed my chest and so I apologized and snuggled with him for a while before his brother woke up. Then I kicked myself for the rest of the day for not being a normal mom and a nice mom and cherishing every little moment I have with him because in a few short months he will be off to school and cuddling with him in the mornings will be something I will most likely never be able to do again (and probably not something he would want to do anyway). Why can't I ever remember these things in the moment? Why do I have to make him cry to trigger my brain that maybe he is still a little guy that loves me and just wants to be near me? Ugh.

So...I am PMSing. And of course the whole day just kind of went down hill from there. It wasn't that anything really was bad, there were just a million and one little annoyances that added up and by 5PM I was done, done, done. Port is teething and so he is dealing with constant (seriously like every 10 minutes) nasty diapers that are burning his little hiney no matter what I do. So I had to chase him around all day and check his diaper every 5 minutes, and every time he needed to be changed I had to wrestle him to the changing table and deal with him fighting every move I made. We went to the grocery store and I bought way more than I expected (hello! they finally have peppermint mocha creamer in the store!!). I was standing in the check out and I realized that I forgot to pick up one of the free items from the meal deal I was buying. It was a loaf of bread that I could have received for free and I totally forgot it. And of course, I am too weird about these things and the boys were right on the verge of going insane so I didn't bother asking the checker if someone could go get it for me. So I kicked myself all the way back to the van for not getting the free loaf of bread, and then opened the van to find that I had a shopping cart full of groceries and a van full of bicycles and gear. So I had to move everything out of the way and load up the groceries while the boys were losing their minds.

Then there was the usual nap time struggle and dealing with Kiddo during nap time when I am trying to get work done and all he wants to do is play with me. He likes it when we have time for just the two of us and I totally understand, but I really needed to get some things done. And once again, I told him "no" one too many times and he burst into tears and the Mommy Guilt Boulder found it's way to my desk chair. And then I fought with the boulder and the angry woman in my head who was yelling at me for feeling guilty. So there is part of me that wants to teach him to play independently and part of me that is sad that he will be starting school soon and part of me that just wants to enjoy having him around while I can. And none of my parts knows how much to give or take and what is healthiest for him and they are all angry at each other.

Confused yet?

Oh and when I was at the grocery store I bought some yogurt specifically to help little Port with his issue and when I unloaded the groceries from the van I somehow managed to leave one bag in the back.

The only thing in the bag was 5 containers of yogurt. *sigh*

Beyond that I am dealing with other things I can't discuss on here - actually anywhere, and dealing with them internally is just eating me up right now. And most of it is petty and ridiculous and blown way out of proportion by hormones and some lingering, insecurities that I really wish would go live with my 16 year old self because that is where they belong. And yesterday I was just wishing I had 1 friend that I could be incredibly selfish and whiny and a big cry baby with so I could get all of the "dark and twisty" out of my system and be done with it. But that's just not going to happen and so I was mad at myself for wanting that and feeling that way.

And then right about the time I was teetering on the edge, Hubby changed his plans and, though it was nothing at all it tossed me off the ledge. Add to that a couple of other well timed bits of information coming across my desk and by the time Hubby got home, I was a lunatic.

{welcome home Dear!}

So yeah, the day was not so hot. I wasn't planning on writing it all out like this, but I kind of feel better for doing it. One highlight was getting a phone call from a dear friend.

Today was not much better - more poop, more screaming Port, more wrestling with him every 5 minutes when I had to change his diaper, more PMS. Thankfully my sweet, dear, wonderful friend Kim made a trip to the store for her own family and offered to bring me some yogurt for the boy on her way back. Sadly, I couldn't get him to actually eat any of it until late afternoon, but I was very grateful I didn't have to go to the store myself to get it.

The day has had it's bright moments; a couple of encouraging phone calls and a semi-encouraging email, another call from another dear friend and some nice moments with the kids.

Things are starting to emerge in the garden. I have cucumber, zucchini, peas, black beans and basil sprouting. I am still waiting on green beans, corn, tomatoes, peppers, lima beans and okra. I think it has been too cold for them until recently. Hopefully they will make their way through the dirt soon.

And hopefully tomorrow will be better. Though, the weather is supposed to be yucky, so I am not getting my hopes up. And I have to do taxes. Joy.

I will try to think of something more positive to talk about tomorrow.

Until,
D :)