Sunday, May 18, 2008

Feeling Good

It is amazing the difference a 30 minute nap and a shower will make with regard to one's mental health. Hubby had the most brilliant idea yesterday to take Kiddo with him to WalMart and leave Port and I at the house. Port was crashed out in the swing and I was able to get a good 30 minute siesta in before my sweet sister in law called and woke me up. (I am glad she did - I always enjoy talking to her!) Anyway, when Hubby got home I was able to jump in the shower for a quick wash and the rest of the evening went remarkably well.

While in the shower I realized that I have a tendency to wallow. I guess that is what it is. I mean, when I start to feel down or overwhelmed I tend to pile everything on top of what is bugging me. I start to think of ALL the bad things, as opposed to focusing on the one thing bringing me down at the moment. My inner voice spirals out of control, telling me of all my failures and all the sucky things going on and before I know it I am drowning in self pity and sorrow.

Is that what depression is? I really don't know.

But on the subject of the Zoloft. I still don't know if I am going to take it. I may fill the script before my insurance runs out this month and have it on hand just in case. I really just don't like taking anything - and I may take Vick's suggestion and try some Omega 3's first. I hate putting chemicals into my body (and consequently into Port's through breast milk) if I can avoid it. My doctor didn't say he thought I needed it, but he wanted me to have access to it if I wanted it. He likened it to a vitamin - saying that it provides something that our body makes naturally, but after something like childbirth we just can't produce enough serotonin consistently to make us feel level. And that is what I was asking him about. I just have such highs and lows and really nothing in between. The lows just keep getting lower. But, the potential side effects of the Zoloft are also something I'm not real eager to deal with either.

So here is the thing - I need your help. When you start to sense that I am wallowing, comment to me, "Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!" and hopefully it will snap me out of it a bit. I have been working a lot the past year or so on letting things go. I have gotten pretty good about giving up my fear and worries to God, and it has helped tremendously in my life. This is different though, in that it stems from me feeling like a failure as a mom and a wife and a person in general and I don't know how to turn that over. I guess it is a "worry" of sorts, but it is so hard for me to stop staring at all the things I am doing wrong and focus on the things I am doing right.

And if it matters, I can tell ya'll are praying for me. I can feel it, and I truly appreciate it. :)

Katy asked me about the pumping situation and I can answer that here. :) [why did you delete your comment?] I am going to try to provide breast milk for Port for as long as I can. I know that is vague. Financially, it makes the most sense for us, so that is a huge motivator. Plus, I strongly believe in the many benefits of breast milk and I really want to do my best to give that to Port. I wasn't able to do that much for Kiddo - I was only able to pump about 2oz a day for him for 3 months and then I gave up. Right now I am taking things one day at a time. My short term goal is 3 months, and if I make it that far I would like to try for 6 months. Beyond that, if I am not completely sick of it I will keep it up for as long as I can. I can say that it is getting pretty old at this point, but since I am already over half way to 3 months I think I can make it. I do look forward to having my body back, but I am ok with the way things are now. I did feel some guilt when I gave up pumping for Kiddo, but it just wasn't worth the measly 2oz I was getting. When I finally gave it up I was very relieved. But this time around Port gets 90% of his food from me and I feel so blessed to be able to provide that for him. If I quit now I don't think I could handle the guilt because things are going relatively well. It is just horribly inconvenient. Plus the financial strain would be overwhelming. Having the dual pump has made a world of difference so I am motivated to keep it up for now. Thanks again to Amy!! But I do know that it is ok to quit and that I have done the best I could to provide for Port.

So that is today. Thank you all for your comments and concern. I am on an upswing now and feel much better.

D :)


TitanKT said...

I deleted my comment because I felt like, if you're committed to pumping then it's really not supportive of me to help talk you out of it and it seemed like everything I could think of to say was not supportive.

The bottom line is whether you're wallowing or not, you DO have a lot going on right now and your mood swings and depression are completely normal and understandable. And as your friend, my main thought is how can you get out of that as quickly as possible? To me, it seems like uncomplicating your life is the answer and I immediately think of the pumping situation because that is mostly what you've been complaining about.

But that's NOT what you want so it just seemed useless for me to go on about it. I totally understand how you feel about it and I want to be supportive of whatever YOU think is best for you and your family. I'm not there, I really don't have a word to say.

Except that I feel your pain when you post about how dismal things have been and I wish I could help you better than leaving some lame comment.

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sure things will get better and better for all of you.

I agree that letting things go is a big part of the answer. Not allowing yourself to feel guilt is another one. You're a fantastic mommy. Don't doubt it for an instant. Not everyday can be perfect, it isn't for anyone. Try to keep your expectations realistic and just relax and enjoy. You deserve it.

Jamielouwho said...

I'm glad you had a better day! I hope there are many more around the corner for ya.

Now, I wanted to comment on the Zoloft decision...from someone who's been there.

I struggled for a long time not wanting to 'give' in to the drug and allow myself to be just another one of those people on antidepressants, and I have to say, I wish I would have given in sooner. You're going through a lot right now, and of course you should expect some irregularities in your moods, but if you find yourself not able to clear the fog you might be dealing with a chemical imbalance that NEEDS more than positive self talk. I just don't want to see you suffer the way I did, when there is a way out. Ok, I suppose that's enough personal information for this comment. Email me if you need to talk...for the life of me I cannot find your email address.

Heather said...

Honey, honey, honey.

Zoloft is the A#1 best SSRI to take while breastfeeding/pumping/providing human baby milk to your child b/c hardly any of it passes into your milk. Granted, there has only been one study, but Dr Thomas Hale (you know, the Medications And Mother's Milk author) says Zoloft is the one to take. And I trust him.

If you want to try fish oil first, then by all means DO. But don't be afraid of the Zoloft for Port's sake. It's still better to give him the milk while taking the meds than to give up and just give formula (not that you were planning to do that anyway).

I hope you feel better soon - I started the zoloft before I left the hospital this time and I'm feeling really good.

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