Sorry

Oh my! Has it been a month already??? Surely not - wasn't I just at the hospital pushing a large child out of my body with no medicinal assistance whatsoever?

Baby Port is a month old. Well, actually a month and 2 days. I seriously can't believe it. I really don't know where the time went. *sigh* It is going sooooo fast.

He had his one month check today, and now weighs a whopping 11 pounds 6.5 ounces! He is in the 95th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. He looks great and is really doing wonderfully. He sleeps so well at night; usually giving me at least 4 hours of sleep at a stretch (and a couple of times 6!) before a quick bottle/diaper change and going right back to sleep. On his own. Without rocking or bouncing. In his own bassinet. [I had no idea it could be so nice!]

He has recently developed several new sounds; some talking noises, interesting little squeaks and noises that tell us of his displeasure or discomfort. And he has also fine tuned his scream - though thankfully at this point he doesn't use it often.

In the past week or so though, he has started showing signs of reflux. It gets worse each day. It has not effected him at night yet (thank God!) but I am anticipating that is soon to come. His doctor said that it will get worse before it gets better, and because he doesn't like to prescribe meds to babies under 6 weeks of age, he suggested that for now we try giving him Maalox before he eats. Since it doesn't get into the blood stream it is safer for really young children. If it doesn't help, then in a couple of weeks he will prescribe something. I hate giving him anything, but I also hate seeing him writhe in pain each time he takes a drink of milk. The doctor did suggest I try to avoid "fragrant" foods like onion, garlic and peppers as these will deposit in the milk and aggravate the acid. He didn't mention anything about caffeine, but I will *try* to keep my intake of that at a minimum as well. I really don't drink that much (one cup of coffee in the morning, 2 if it was a rough night and then sometimes a soda in the afternoon) so I don't think that is affecting him much.

He did break out in a rash this morning all over his face, head and chest. Not sure what that is all about - I bathed him before we left for the doctor, but I used the same thing I always do.

My boy is starting to lose his beautiful long black hair. :( I love that downy stuff at the back of his head; I am not ready for him to be a baldy yet.

I am starting to lose my hair now too. Darn hormones. I hate this part of post-partum; your skin goes nuts and your hair falls out - it's a beautiful thing. ;) So I am thinking of coloring my hair again to give it some body and life. Any suggestions on color? I really loved the red, but it was so hard to maintain and blond is of course perfect but I have to have it done by a pro and right now I can't afford it. So I was thinking maybe a nice honey brown....your thoughts? At least if my hair bleaches out in the sun the brown will work with it, not against it like the red does. Decisions, decisions.

I was finally able to get into my largest pair of regular jeans on Sunday!!! Woo hoo! I think I can now retire the maternity jeans. Thankfully I have jeans in size 10, 8, 6 and 4, so I can just work my way back down the line again. I would like to lose 20 pounds by August - our family vacation is then and I want to be able to sit by the pool without wearing a full body cover up. I seem to be steadily dropping about 2 pounds a week so I think I can reach my goal by then. If I can only stay away from the Oreos...

Mentally, I am doing ok. I have good days and bad days; good moments and bad moments. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the house, the crying baby and the whiny 3 year old (who by the way has suddenly lost all ability to care for himself - ugh!). Sometimes the fact that I cannot breastfeed consumes me like a big ocean wave and I feel like I am drowning. I want to be able to do this - it shouldn't be so hard. And me being the one that is so vocal about God making the human body perfect for childbirth and whatnot - I just don't understand how I can be so messed up that I can't feed my child. I am VERY thankful that I can at least pump for him. I have read so many stories of women that just can't get the pump to work for them. But then I go someplace like the "nursing mother's room" at our church and I sit in the rocker feeding my baby a bottle while everyone else is breastfeeding and I feel so inadequate. I get overly self conscious and embarrassed.

Have I mentioned hormones suck?

And here is where things get really personal....but I do feel I need to share this.

With Kiddo, he was away from me for 4 days in the NICU and by the time I finally got to room in with him I was so attached to him I didn't think I would ever put him down. And for a long, long time I didn't. We have been incredibly bonded from day one. With Port however, I am not yet feeling that intense bond. Please don't misinterpret me here - I LOVE him with all my heart and soul and would lay down my life for him, but I am just not feeling that closeness and intense desire to be near Port the way I felt with Kiddo from the start. I know it will come eventually, but sometimes it really makes me sad that I don't have that connection with him. He won't smile at me; he smiles at everyone else. That hurts. With Kiddo, I could pick him up and physically feel him sigh and relax. It was as if he was most at home in my arms. Port is not like that. He stiffens and pulls away where Kiddo would lean in and cling. I don't feel as equipped to comfort Port. And part of that is that my attention is much more divided this time around. Kiddo and I had days on end to stare at each other and bond. Port spends a lot of time propped on pillows and lying in the swing or the bouncy seat. He is not held as much and while part of that is our circumstance, some of it is also his personality. And I'm sure a lot of it is me too - I am not a first time mom with all that nasty protectiveness coursing through my veins like hot lava. I am not the fierce momma bear I was when Kiddo was born. I hardly let anyone near Kiddo; I protected him like a crazed mental patient at times. I'm sure that had a lot to do with the fact that we almost lost him. But with Port - I have no problem leaving him with Hubby so I can go run an errand. When he cries I don't jump out of my skin and leap over furniture to get to him.

What's funny is that while I find in my difference of care with him slightly disturbing, some may find it to be better parenting. I mean, Port can put himself to sleep at night without needing me to rock or hold him. I have no problem with others holding him or caring for him - something I was extremely hesitant to do with Kiddo. Port will definitely grow up to be much more independent than his brother if this continues.

But anyway, hopefully my pumping woes are about to end (well sort of). A wonderful, sweet, generous friend of mine has graciously offered to sell me her only slightly used Medela Pump In Style Advance for an absolutely smokin' price - and I could not be happier! Hopefully I will have it hooked up to my poor, poor boobies within the next week. I am so excited!!!

And speaking of my poor boobies, it is once again time for me to pump. Joy.

Until,
D :)

Head Jukebox Song Today: