Saturday, May 17, 2008

Too Much

I am sitting here at noon on Saturday in tears. It has been a rough morning again. Last night, Port was up all night eating. Can someone say growth spurt?? He could not get enough, and of course, eating like a man just off a deserted island can make your tummy hurt and give you gas. So on top of the crying for hunger he was crying in distress too. And burping and tooting and just generally uncomfortable.

So yeah, up all night while Hubby tossed and turned next to me...and at 7:30 I gave up and took Port into the living room. I put him in he swing where he promptly went to sleep (stinker). I had to pump, so I got that process going and 2 minutes into it (right when my milk let down and pumping was at it's peak) Kiddo comes in with an ugly look on his face, telling me he was wet. Not only was he wet, but it was from head to toe and his bed (with fresh clean sheets) was soaked as well. He can't peel his own clothes off in that state so I had to shut down the pump, unhook myself and help him. Of course this leads to all kinds of fun in the leakage department, and while I try to keep from leaking everywhere I have the honor of peeling pee soaked clothing off of my 3 year old. I get him all cleaned up and get back to pumping and my boobs decide they don't want to now. Let me just say, the pain of pumping when your body doesn't want you to is almost worse than childbirth. So now I have shooting pains in my breasts that radiate up to my arms. Joy.

Hubby gets up finally and stumbles in half awake. After finishing the pump I ask him if I can go back to bed for a bit and he says yes. I got about 45 minutes of sleep - so appreciated even with a mid nap wake up from the Kiddo. I guess 45 minutes was all I was allowed because the dog constantly barking outside was keeping me from any more sleep. Hubby came in the room and I asked why the dog was barking. His reply: "I dunno but that's what woke me up."

So I guess it was only fair.

Hubby left to go on a motorcycle ride and I am now sitting here, hooked up to the pump again, Port at my feet in the bouncy seat. I am holding the cones with one hand, and a bottle in Port's mouth with the other. Kiddo wants some cheese, but I refuse to unhook myself again mid pump so I tell him he has to wait (he wants the kind I have to slice for him). He is pitching a fit and I tell him I am sorry. He replies with "well, I'm not sorry." and sits down to cry. Then he gets on his tricycle and lines it up at the entry to the kitchen. He says "Mommy I ready" and this is where I am supposed to say "ready, set, go!". I say it, though not as enthusiastically as normal because I am trying not to cry and so he lays his head on the handle bars and whimpers "I am so tired".

Me too Kiddo. Me too.

I had my 6 week post partum check up yesterday. And though it was a better day for me, I did talk to the doc a bit about mood swings and whatnot. He gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I haven't filled it, nor do I know if I'll even take it. It's supposed to make me "not be bothered by as much". The thing is - I don't feel like things bother me so much, but rather I am just overwhelmed and I never get a break. Sure, I may get to run to the store by myself in the evenings some times, but it's always with an agenda - I don't get to just go somewhere to hang out. It's always a "leave and get back as soon as I can" kind of thing - and usually when I get back there is even more work to be done. I absolutely dread our nightly routine. I feel like I am trying to cram so much in. So much has to be done in order to get everyone to bed for the night. Hubby thankfully does Kiddo's bath, and then he watches Port for me while I brush Kiddo's teeth, clean ears, brush hair, help him pick up toys, etc. etc. But a lot of times Port gets super fussy and I have to deal with that as well. I also have to get my stuff together, change clothes, wash my face, gather pumping supplies and prepare bottles for the night time. It all is just too much. I read Kiddo a story and then take him to his room and lay with him in his bed till he falls asleep. When I finally collapse into bed after changing Port's diaper and putting him in his jammies I still have to pump and shut everything down before I can go to sleep (lights off, door locked, dog in, cat out, computers off).

I don't know how much more of this I can take, and I don't think drugging myself to feel numb to it is exactly the answer.

I wish we could get Kiddo to bed earlier (right now he goes to bed at about 10:30 every night), but he just doesn't seem to require that much sleep and I certainly don't want him up a 5AM. As it is, most mornings he is up by 8:30 and I don't see myself getting up much earlier than that. When Kiddo does go to be earlier, he gets up earlier. I think it would help matters greatly though if he would put himself to sleep at night - except I do sort of enjoy that time with him. It is the only time it is just the two of us, without interruption, and we can talk and cuddle. Most of the time he is terribly sweet in those moments.

It's 12:30 and I am fixing Kiddo some lunch. He is starving because all he's had to eat today is some drinkable yogurt, apple sauce and cheese. Poor kid, I can't even manage to feed him properly and he has to fend for himself. I put Port on the couch with a bottle propped up (I know, bad, bad mommy) and fix lunch for the both of us. My cold left over coffee sits on the table and the cold oatmeal I ate 4 hours ago has long left me. A plate of avocado, cucumbers, grapes, a couple of nuggets and string cheese for Kiddo and a salad for me. At least lunch is somewhat healthy. I'm going to have to choke down some mother's milk tea today because there is no way I can keep up with Port's appetite. Oh how I loathe that tea. If I sweeten it, it tastes even worse.

There is some kid in the yard behind me that keeps climbing up on the top of the fence and taunting the dog. I wonder if that was the cause of all the barking this morning. I just watched him spit at her (the dog). I have yelled at him before about sitting on the fence, but I am hesitant to go out there now. He's gonna fall and hurt himself one of these days.

As soon as Hubby returns we are taking a family trip to Walmart. Whoopee.

I guess I should go check on the laundry. The dishes are piled up in the sink and the dishwasher if full and needs to be emptied. I still have to strip Kiddo's bed and wash a load of diapers. You can't even walk through the living room without stepping on toys. It is just too much.

D :/


TitanKT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mollie said...

(((((hugs again)))))

Gosh, I unfortunately remember all that as if yesterday. The feelings get to be more than you want to deal with.

I don't know that that medicine "numbs" you, as if you are dazed and useless... but moreso makes you just not care and not allowing that stress to build up into too much. I have a friend that takes it and you'd never know if she didn't tell you. You may want to read on it some? Could be a temporary solution until you get into a swing with all these new changes?

Vick said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time {{hugs}}

Having been there, done that with the Zoloft, you know I'm gonna encourage you to give it a try if your doctor believed you needed it. It really just makes everything more likely to slide off your back, instead of accumulating there so you can either break down and cry or take it out on those around you.

If you're hesitant to take Zoloft, I'd suggest taking Omega-3's at least. I started them a week or so ago and feel that they help take the edge off, since I've been off Zoloft for awhile and the divorce is starting to wear on me a bit.

Anyways, I take one from Country Life that had 1,000 mgs of EPA in it and I really do think it helps. It's not quite as profound an effect as the Zoloft, but it's still better for me than *not* taking it.

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