Fool On The Hill

I do this because I love you.

And for some reason I am willing to humiliate myself.

Normally, I will talk down about myself in jest or for the sake of a good story, but very rarely will I provide actual proof that I suck at something.

That said, there is something you must know.

Brace yourself. Ready? Ok.

I am not an actress.

I know, I know, you are shocked, right! I mean, with all my marvelous talents, surely acting falls in there somewhere, right?

Yeah well, I guess we are not all blessed with basic acting ability. Give me a song and I'll sing it. It may even make you misty-eyed. But give me a script and put me in front of a camera and get ready to laugh.

When Hubby and I lived in Arizona, I briefly worked for an "entertainment company". Translate that phrase, and you get - "a company that promises you fame and fortune if you shell out big bucks for useless acting lessons and head shots".

Guess who was the photographer? mmmhmm.

Anyway, while I worked there, the company associated with a lot of the local "talent" and "talent makers" and included in those were film "directors" (I use the term loosely) and the like. Sorry about all the quotes, but in all honesty most of these people well, um, er, well.... they should keep their day jobs if you know what I mean.

So, through somebody I met that knew somebody else that knew some guy, I managed to land an "acting gig" (another loose term). This new company needed an information video and they hired a director/videographer to shoot it.

The gig was pretty fun. I got a free meal at a nice sushi place in Scottsdale. I got to run around all day looking important with cameras and whatnot on me. I got to go to the owner's parent's fancy house (tres chic!) on the top of a gorgeous hill overlooking Scottsdale, I got to drive the most expensive car I've ever sat in, and I got to spend the entire day pretending like I was talking on the phone.

Not too shabby!

The result of all that was a really embarrassing video that thankfully only a hand full of people saw (until now) and also a few subsequent voice over gigs for the same company. Think along the lines of "You have reached XYZ company. For Dr. Soandso, press one. For Dr. Gooberhead, press two." Yeah, that was me.

So anyway, the other night the memory of doing this weird wacky thing came to me and I went in search of the long lost video. And for some unknown reason my screwed up brain thought it would be fun to upload it and thoroughly embarrass myself by sharing it with you. Like I said, I do this because I love you.

And I'm crazy.

But we all need a good laugh, right?

Am I stalling?

Oh all right, here you go.

Just don't ask me to find the ill-fated video of a commercial for a Sporting Goods Store that I appeared in.

That one is beyond my humiliation threshold.

Thank you for still loving me, despite my bad acting.

Until,

D :)

You're the One That I Want

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall...
Yeah, all you got to do is call.
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah...
You got a friend.

Can you tell I'm listening to the fabulous James Taylor?? Or perhaps you thought it might be Carole King? Well, technically you are both right. I just got some awesome new cd's (well, new to me I guess, they are not exactly new releases). I so LOVE rewards points on my Amazon credit card! The Best of James Taylor and Carole King Tapestry showed up in my mailbox the other day.

So close your eyes...you can close your eyes, it's alright.
I don't know no love songs, and I can't sing the blues anymore.
But I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone...


Jewel's new cd that comes out on the 3rd will be arriving shortly after that. And none of them cost me a dime.


Sweet, sweet rewards!

Of course, I got the rewards because I spent a bunch of money on other things, but we won't think about that right now. ;)

And speaking of shopping (we were speaking of that, right?) I have been lusting over a few things lately.

I have managed to acquire several varieties of baby carrying contraption and I am still looking for something that really works for us. There is so much out there; slings, pouches, wraps, buckets, shells, etc. and due to the generosity of friends and from my own spending back when Kiddo was a wee babe I have about 5 or 6 to choose from. 5? 6? Why don't I know for sure? Let me think about this...


I have a Hotsling - it's a tad too small, black (so really hot to wear) and it attracts lint and hair. It's no good for Port right now because he's too big to cradle and too small to hip carry.

A friend loaned me another pouch type carrier that is just a tad too big and again has the same problems with Port being too big or too little for certain positions.

The same friend loaned me a Solar Veil Ring Sling - I just can't seem to get the hang of it and Port doesn't seem to wild about it.

I have a Moby Wrap - waaaaayyyyy too hot right now.


I also have a mom-made Mei Tai that is really beautiful. I tried to put Port in it once and he screamed bloody murder. I will try that one again.

That's all of them, so 5 I guess.

Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way you feee--eeell!

ANYWAY.... I really would like to find a carrier that is cool enough to wear during the summer and also is comfy for Port and versatile. I am so loving these right now...

But Mo-mmy!!! All my friends have one!

Seriously, all my friends do have one. It's uncanny. And now that I am looking at it, I really like the one in the picture, but if I had my druthers, I'd design my own to have this on on sideand this on the other
maybe with a pale blue strap? hmm....

But man, oh man they are pricey! That little dream combo I came up with would cost me $90!!

Yikes.

So I am scouring the Craigslist and the Babywearer looking for a loved one that someone wants to sell for slightly less. No such luck so far. *sigh*

One of my bbc momma friends posted a link to these...
And I am so in love with this pattern. They have another green one that is beautiful too. They are supposed to be very light weight and cool and easy to wear.

But again, $$$. Though not as bad at the Mei Tai. *sigh*

The good thing is, I have some photo shoots lined up so hopefully I can set aside some profit to fund one of these. Or maybe I'll get lucky and find a used one somewhere. Or maybe I'll just stare at the pictures all summer and drool onto my laptop.

Who knows?

What's on your current wish list?

And I feel fine anytime she's around me now. And she's around me now...

Until,

D :)

On My Own

He LAUGHED!!!!

Oh my goodness, it was so unexpected! This morning I had Port propped up on my legs facing me and I poked him gently on the shoulders and said "gobble, gobble!" and he laughed! It was the cutest thing I think I've ever heard! (aside from Kiddo's first laugh of course ;) ) I got him to do it a couple of times, but haven't been successful since this morning.

We had an interesting weekend. Sunday night Hubby went camping a few hours away and so it was just me and the boys for the evening. I was actually surprised at how well it went. I decided not to do baths because I just couldn't figure out how to do it. Dinner was a lovely affair - I asked Kiddo what he wanted (told him he could have anything - I honestly thought he'd choose pizza) and he said this:

By request, avocado, bananas, raisins, string cheese, apples and mashed potatoes. lol! He asked for mushrooms too, but he's never actually had them and when I pulled them out of the fridge he decided against it. I sauteed them for me instead, fixed a quick frozen shrimp pasta meal I had and we enjoyed a yummy dinner together.

I managed to get Port down for the night at 10 and then Kiddo shortly thereafter. Port slept until 6:30!!! That's 8 1/2 hours folks! I couldn't believe it! Now before everyone gets all mad at me and stuff - he's only done that the one time. Most nights it's about 5 hours. I'll take it though. :)

Anyway, it was a nice evening and then a pretty normal weekday on Monday. It didn't feel like much of a holiday to me, but oh well. At least Hubby got a nice day out of it.

So tell me, what the heck is this??!? AH HA HA HA HA!!! My poor child has a tail!! That last little tuft of hair refuses to fall out! He cracks me up.

Here is Kiddo "kickin' it old school" while playing video games. ;)

He looks just like my dad in that picture (in the face, not the clothes!).

And now for my new favorite photograph...

Love it!
Until,
D :)

Mad Sin

Ok, I remember now...

The other day Kiddo was outside in front with Hubby. He has a bad habit of coming in the house and leaving the door open. So after asking him nicely a few times to close the door, Kiddo headed out and once again left the door wide open. I hollered at him (cuz we do that in Texas, holler) to close the door and he, in his best three year old voice said "no".

grrrr.

So I of course retorted with the tried and true mommy command of "close the door NOW!!"

The door was closed, but then I heard something coming from my front porch area.

Kiddo was shouting at me:

"Everything we THINK, or SAY, or DO!! THAT does NOT please God!"
"Everything we THINK, or SAY, or DO!! THAT does NOT please God!"
"Everything we THINK, or SAY, or DO!! THAT does NOT please God!"

um.....ok. I wasn't sure if he was shouting scripture at me or what! And it didn't really make much sense. I could only guess that he was forgetting part of it and possibly emphasising the wrong words.

Hubby and I pondered what the heck he might be trying to say. I Googled scripture, looked on the church's website for the monthly bible verse, and I could. not. figure. it. out.

A few nights later Kiddo got mad at me again and began shouting the same thing.

So this morning after service, I picked up Kiddo from his Sunday school classroom and asked the teacher if she could tell me what he was trying to say. Sure enough, it was something he learned in his class.

They have been teaching the kids about sin. And what they say is, "Sin is everything we think or do or say that does not please God."

I think I may have a future preacher on my hands! ;)

Until,
D :)

Star Child

I haven't talked much about Kiddo lately. He is growing so fast as well - suddenly before my eyes he has turned into a big kid (figuratively and literally). I just have to stare at him sometimes; soak him up and try to memorize his face as it is right now because tomorrow he'll be all grown up.

We had a MAJOR, MAJOR milestone moment last Sunday with Kiddo. He helped me vacuum the floor!!! Kiddo has always had a monumental fear of vacuum cleaners, stemming from when he was just a little toot. Ever since he could walk he would run and hide when I vacuumed the floors, screaming and crying most of the time as well. For the past year or so, he was happy to go into his room and play with the door shut while I vacuumed. If I started it without him getting in there first, he would run as fast as his little legs would carry him.

A couple of months ago, I absolutely had to vacuum and he didn't want to stop playing with his Incredibles figures on the couch. I told him to just stay there and I managed to vacuum the room without him getting upset (he did squish himself into the couch as much as he could when I came near though). After that day, he still went back into his room most of the time and only a couple of times was brave enough to sit on the couch.

However, on Sunday, he wanted to sit on the couch, and while I was vacuuming he was shouting something at me. I couldn't hear it, so I asked him to say it again and I saw him mouth the words "help you".

Well of course I stopped that vacuum right away and motioned for him to come over and I kid you not - he grabbed the handle and started pushing it back and forth. Once he got the gist of it I turned it on and he vacuumed our living room rug!! I was so proud of him for overcoming his fear (and secretly began plotting my new and improved housework strategy!).

It was quite the moment!

Last week Hubby and I were talking to him and we were asking him if he knew our names. He got them right and so I asked him if he knew his last name. He says "Kiddo uh, uh, uh, Kiddo...SCOUNDREL!!!" :D

We had a good laugh over that one!

There was another Kiddospeak I was going to tell you. I can't remember it now. Darn it.

Well if it comes to me, I'll let you know.

Until,
D :)

Smile

Today Port is 7 weeks old. 7 weeks! It is going by so quickly. I just look at him and marvel at how big he is getting, and how I am already forgetting. Forgetting how he looked first born, forgetting his birth experience, forgetting those first little squeaky cries and grunting noises. His cries have changed now; they've become more defined. They say something more than just "I need you!".


My parents were here from Monday till today. They tried to go back home yesterday, but only made it about a half a block from my house when their car broke down. Thankfully it was only a minor problem, but it still required an overnight stay in the dealership and another hotel night for my folks. Their visit was nice, and the kids are now both thoroughly spoiled by their attention. Ah the deprogramming I will have to do!


Port has slept for 7.5 hours two nights in a row now! I don't know if it is all the excitement from the visitors or what, but it sure is nice. I am certain he had a growth spurt last week. His smaller onesies no longer fit and I desperately need to dive into the next storage bucket of clothes for some bigger sizes. My milk supply is slowly getting up there - I am trying to pump every 2-3 hours to build it some. That is proving difficult now that my folks are gone though - as the ready hands are no longer here to comfort the kids if one needs something. My last pump session found me disconnecting 4 times before it was done, just to give Port back his pacifier or adjust him on his resting pillow.


He has lost the majority of his hair now. Only a scraggly black tail of soft, downy hair remains. Someone commented to me the other day that he looks like Billy Ray Cyrus. Gracious. He has also developed a love for chewing on my knuckles. Teething? Perhaps.


As for me, I am doing alright. Having people around for the past couple of days has helped some. I am pretty sure I broke my toe on Monday night. I accidentally kicked a box of photography lights in my hallway and messed up my last two toes on my left foot. It smarted like no other toe stubbing has. When I got up the next morning, it still hurt really bad and the base of my pinkie toe was purple and swollen. It hurt all day, and then that night I stubbed it again on the bouncy seat. This time I heard a crack and the pain completely stopped. Yup, I think I broke it. *sigh*


At least I don't have to go to the doctor about it.


I am looking forward to the next few weeks. I have several photo shoots lined up and am excited to get back on the horse! It will be so much fun to hang out with some new people and photograph their youngin's. I can't wait!


Here is another smiling pic from the other day. My mom was holding him and making him smile. Those are her hands in the pic. I was sitting over her shoulder...

Oh yes! I've been meaning to send you all over to my friend's blog - she has some really great shots of Port up that she took a couple of weeks ago. I just love them! [triple linky love for you Mollie! lol!]

Until,

D :)

When I See You Smile

I can face the world...[oh, oh ;) ]Until,
D :)

Feeling Good

It is amazing the difference a 30 minute nap and a shower will make with regard to one's mental health. Hubby had the most brilliant idea yesterday to take Kiddo with him to WalMart and leave Port and I at the house. Port was crashed out in the swing and I was able to get a good 30 minute siesta in before my sweet sister in law called and woke me up. (I am glad she did - I always enjoy talking to her!) Anyway, when Hubby got home I was able to jump in the shower for a quick wash and the rest of the evening went remarkably well.

While in the shower I realized that I have a tendency to wallow. I guess that is what it is. I mean, when I start to feel down or overwhelmed I tend to pile everything on top of what is bugging me. I start to think of ALL the bad things, as opposed to focusing on the one thing bringing me down at the moment. My inner voice spirals out of control, telling me of all my failures and all the sucky things going on and before I know it I am drowning in self pity and sorrow.

Is that what depression is? I really don't know.

But on the subject of the Zoloft. I still don't know if I am going to take it. I may fill the script before my insurance runs out this month and have it on hand just in case. I really just don't like taking anything - and I may take Vick's suggestion and try some Omega 3's first. I hate putting chemicals into my body (and consequently into Port's through breast milk) if I can avoid it. My doctor didn't say he thought I needed it, but he wanted me to have access to it if I wanted it. He likened it to a vitamin - saying that it provides something that our body makes naturally, but after something like childbirth we just can't produce enough serotonin consistently to make us feel level. And that is what I was asking him about. I just have such highs and lows and really nothing in between. The lows just keep getting lower. But, the potential side effects of the Zoloft are also something I'm not real eager to deal with either.

So here is the thing - I need your help. When you start to sense that I am wallowing, comment to me, "Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!" and hopefully it will snap me out of it a bit. I have been working a lot the past year or so on letting things go. I have gotten pretty good about giving up my fear and worries to God, and it has helped tremendously in my life. This is different though, in that it stems from me feeling like a failure as a mom and a wife and a person in general and I don't know how to turn that over. I guess it is a "worry" of sorts, but it is so hard for me to stop staring at all the things I am doing wrong and focus on the things I am doing right.

And if it matters, I can tell ya'll are praying for me. I can feel it, and I truly appreciate it. :)

Katy asked me about the pumping situation and I can answer that here. :) [why did you delete your comment?] I am going to try to provide breast milk for Port for as long as I can. I know that is vague. Financially, it makes the most sense for us, so that is a huge motivator. Plus, I strongly believe in the many benefits of breast milk and I really want to do my best to give that to Port. I wasn't able to do that much for Kiddo - I was only able to pump about 2oz a day for him for 3 months and then I gave up. Right now I am taking things one day at a time. My short term goal is 3 months, and if I make it that far I would like to try for 6 months. Beyond that, if I am not completely sick of it I will keep it up for as long as I can. I can say that it is getting pretty old at this point, but since I am already over half way to 3 months I think I can make it. I do look forward to having my body back, but I am ok with the way things are now. I did feel some guilt when I gave up pumping for Kiddo, but it just wasn't worth the measly 2oz I was getting. When I finally gave it up I was very relieved. But this time around Port gets 90% of his food from me and I feel so blessed to be able to provide that for him. If I quit now I don't think I could handle the guilt because things are going relatively well. It is just horribly inconvenient. Plus the financial strain would be overwhelming. Having the dual pump has made a world of difference so I am motivated to keep it up for now. Thanks again to Amy!! But I do know that it is ok to quit and that I have done the best I could to provide for Port.

So that is today. Thank you all for your comments and concern. I am on an upswing now and feel much better.

Until,
D :)

Too Much

I am sitting here at noon on Saturday in tears. It has been a rough morning again. Last night, Port was up all night eating. Can someone say growth spurt?? He could not get enough, and of course, eating like a man just off a deserted island can make your tummy hurt and give you gas. So on top of the crying for hunger he was crying in distress too. And burping and tooting and just generally uncomfortable.

So yeah, up all night while Hubby tossed and turned next to me...and at 7:30 I gave up and took Port into the living room. I put him in he swing where he promptly went to sleep (stinker). I had to pump, so I got that process going and 2 minutes into it (right when my milk let down and pumping was at it's peak) Kiddo comes in with an ugly look on his face, telling me he was wet. Not only was he wet, but it was from head to toe and his bed (with fresh clean sheets) was soaked as well. He can't peel his own clothes off in that state so I had to shut down the pump, unhook myself and help him. Of course this leads to all kinds of fun in the leakage department, and while I try to keep from leaking everywhere I have the honor of peeling pee soaked clothing off of my 3 year old. I get him all cleaned up and get back to pumping and my boobs decide they don't want to now. Let me just say, the pain of pumping when your body doesn't want you to is almost worse than childbirth. So now I have shooting pains in my breasts that radiate up to my arms. Joy.

Hubby gets up finally and stumbles in half awake. After finishing the pump I ask him if I can go back to bed for a bit and he says yes. I got about 45 minutes of sleep - so appreciated even with a mid nap wake up from the Kiddo. I guess 45 minutes was all I was allowed because the dog constantly barking outside was keeping me from any more sleep. Hubby came in the room and I asked why the dog was barking. His reply: "I dunno but that's what woke me up."

So I guess it was only fair.

Hubby left to go on a motorcycle ride and I am now sitting here, hooked up to the pump again, Port at my feet in the bouncy seat. I am holding the cones with one hand, and a bottle in Port's mouth with the other. Kiddo wants some cheese, but I refuse to unhook myself again mid pump so I tell him he has to wait (he wants the kind I have to slice for him). He is pitching a fit and I tell him I am sorry. He replies with "well, I'm not sorry." and sits down to cry. Then he gets on his tricycle and lines it up at the entry to the kitchen. He says "Mommy I ready" and this is where I am supposed to say "ready, set, go!". I say it, though not as enthusiastically as normal because I am trying not to cry and so he lays his head on the handle bars and whimpers "I am so tired".

Me too Kiddo. Me too.

I had my 6 week post partum check up yesterday. And though it was a better day for me, I did talk to the doc a bit about mood swings and whatnot. He gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I haven't filled it, nor do I know if I'll even take it. It's supposed to make me "not be bothered by as much". The thing is - I don't feel like things bother me so much, but rather I am just overwhelmed and I never get a break. Sure, I may get to run to the store by myself in the evenings some times, but it's always with an agenda - I don't get to just go somewhere to hang out. It's always a "leave and get back as soon as I can" kind of thing - and usually when I get back there is even more work to be done. I absolutely dread our nightly routine. I feel like I am trying to cram so much in. So much has to be done in order to get everyone to bed for the night. Hubby thankfully does Kiddo's bath, and then he watches Port for me while I brush Kiddo's teeth, clean ears, brush hair, help him pick up toys, etc. etc. But a lot of times Port gets super fussy and I have to deal with that as well. I also have to get my stuff together, change clothes, wash my face, gather pumping supplies and prepare bottles for the night time. It all is just too much. I read Kiddo a story and then take him to his room and lay with him in his bed till he falls asleep. When I finally collapse into bed after changing Port's diaper and putting him in his jammies I still have to pump and shut everything down before I can go to sleep (lights off, door locked, dog in, cat out, computers off).

I don't know how much more of this I can take, and I don't think drugging myself to feel numb to it is exactly the answer.

I wish we could get Kiddo to bed earlier (right now he goes to bed at about 10:30 every night), but he just doesn't seem to require that much sleep and I certainly don't want him up a 5AM. As it is, most mornings he is up by 8:30 and I don't see myself getting up much earlier than that. When Kiddo does go to be earlier, he gets up earlier. I think it would help matters greatly though if he would put himself to sleep at night - except I do sort of enjoy that time with him. It is the only time it is just the two of us, without interruption, and we can talk and cuddle. Most of the time he is terribly sweet in those moments.

It's 12:30 and I am fixing Kiddo some lunch. He is starving because all he's had to eat today is some drinkable yogurt, apple sauce and cheese. Poor kid, I can't even manage to feed him properly and he has to fend for himself. I put Port on the couch with a bottle propped up (I know, bad, bad mommy) and fix lunch for the both of us. My cold left over coffee sits on the table and the cold oatmeal I ate 4 hours ago has long left me. A plate of avocado, cucumbers, grapes, a couple of nuggets and string cheese for Kiddo and a salad for me. At least lunch is somewhat healthy. I'm going to have to choke down some mother's milk tea today because there is no way I can keep up with Port's appetite. Oh how I loathe that tea. If I sweeten it, it tastes even worse.

There is some kid in the yard behind me that keeps climbing up on the top of the fence and taunting the dog. I wonder if that was the cause of all the barking this morning. I just watched him spit at her (the dog). I have yelled at him before about sitting on the fence, but I am hesitant to go out there now. He's gonna fall and hurt himself one of these days.

As soon as Hubby returns we are taking a family trip to Walmart. Whoopee.

I guess I should go check on the laundry. The dishes are piled up in the sink and the dishwasher if full and needs to be emptied. I still have to strip Kiddo's bed and wash a load of diapers. You can't even walk through the living room without stepping on toys. It is just too much.

Until,
D :/

Do You

Today has been rough. I just can't seem to get my head right. I was supposed to go to the store, and had planned to take the kids to the local sprinkler park to play, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I kept coming up with all these excuses not to go, and no good reasons to go.

Packing up the boys and going somewhere is. just. so. hard. The thought is overwhelming at times. I am just not that coordinated. I always forget the sling, or a bottle. 95% of the time Kiddo has some sort of melt down or problem with what we are doing. I just couldn't take the whining and the arguments today.

So we spent all day in the house doing absolutely nothing (well I did laundry and such) while it was incredibly gorgeous outside. I let yet another beautiful day go by and never even stepped foot out of the house. Soon enough it will be 100 degrees outside and I will have wasted away what little spring weather we get because I can't manage to take two kids out of the house.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Until,
D :)

1000 Miles Away

Occasionally when I get a blog writer's block it is because for some reason I get it in my head that every post has to be about *something*. I realize rationally that is not the case and some of the most interesting blogs I read are the ones where the author just writes about anything and everything. I find amusing the day to day of people's lives and it really would just do me some good to follow in their foot steps and do the same here. If anything it would get me blogging more, which is my ultimate goal anyway.

So, today I am just going to talk. Sorry if you were looking for something more structured.

We had a rough night last night with Port. I somehow knew going in; it was going to be a long one. He had slept just a tad too much yesterday evening and I was afraid he would be up far too early for my taste. Normally we put him to bed around 11 and most nights he doesn't wake me until close to 5. Last night his first waking was at 2 and he was up, up, up. I had a hard time getting him back to sleep. I think he finally crashed out at about 3, but then was up again at 5 and again at 7 and again for the day at 8:45. It was a long night for me - he has spoiled me by only waking once or twice a night and being extremely easy to put back to sleep - even after feeding and a diaper change.

So after waking up with Kiddo bouncing on my head and my boobies about to explode, I pumped and we crawled out of the bedroom sometime after 10AM.

Oh mercy, my boobies.

I probably talk about them too much, but oh well. Click on the next blog if you are sick of it. ;)

Pumping is going better, and worse - if that is possible. I got my wonderful new pump in the mail Friday (Thank you AMY!!!!!) and immediately hooked that puppy up. It is so nice to only spend 15-20 minutes on the pump as opposed to the 30-45 I was spending before. And now that I have 2 pumps, I can leave one in the bedroom and one in the dining room which is soooo convenient! On the down side, there is a bit of a learning curve with coordinating holding both cones at once. When I pump one side at a time, it leaves me with one hand free to do other things - feed a baby, feed myself, surf the Internet, whatever. When pumping both sides at once, everything and everyone else has to wait (which ultimately makes me lose my patience and abruptly end the session). And because I can't really squeeze every last drop out with my free hand assisting the pump, I don't feel like I am getting the most out of each session. Then on Mother's Day I went for a very long time that morning/afternoon without pumping, so my supply took a hit. Why is it that it takes days to build it up, but only missing one session to knock it down?? It is very frustrating. For some reason I can't seem to stay hydrated either - which of course effects my supply (and gives me gnarly foot cramps!).

I have got to look into getting a couple of good nursing bras though. The one I have is way too big in the band and I am so tired of how it fits. I broke down this morning and put on a good, supportive, under wire bra and I feel like a new woman! lol! The girls are just worn out and I am so tired of them resting on my belly! It is just such a strange feeling - I don't know how you bigger breasted gals can stand it. Anyway...

Port's tummy troubles seem to be better. I decided against the Maalox, and am just diligent about putting the Mylicon drops in every bottle. It seems to be helping with the painful parts, but he is spitting up more and more it seems. Now for whatever reason we only have severely fussy periods just before he has a major poopy diaper. Our new favorite word in the house is "Poop-tastic!" Kiddo is especially fond of that one. *wink*

Port is much more alert and awake these days. He loves to be carried around on my shoulder. He will grasp my arm over and over in this rhythmic kind of clawing motion. When he looks around he opens his eyes so wide and raises his eyebrows in such a way that it wrinkles up his little forehead. He kind of looks like a little old man when he does that. I am loving his "talking". I forgot how sweet the little baby "goo" and "ack" sounds were. When Port is looking around over my shoulder he will sometimes let out a little "goo" and I just go to mush inside. He smiles so much more now - at me, the dog, Hubby, Kiddo, the ceiling fans... :)

Kiddo is growing up so fast. I bought him a cute little Lightning McQueen baseball cap the other day. It is never far from his head - the boy is completely in love with this hat! It makes him look so much older though. My goodness before I know it he is going to be a teenager. I am constantly torn between babying him and treating him like a big kid - I don't know how I want him to be. Both I guess - when it is convenient.

I know I still haven't published the birth story for Port yet. It still sits there in my drafts folder, mocking me, and someday I will get around to opening it up and completing it. Of course, by now I am sure I have forgotten some things, but hopefully I got most of it down when I first wrote it. It is on my to do list.

I am soooo into sauteed mushrooms right now. I have no clue why. Just had to throw that out there.

I am so excited because I am about to be working again!! I have booked 4 photo shoots for the next few weeks and I am just beyond thrilled. We seriously need the income - Hubby's company just cut all overtime for hourly employees. For us that translates into about 1/6th of our income. Yup. We are hurting. As usual. *sigh* It didn't really hit me until I calculated it out and now I have no idea what we are going to do. Our Internet service went up $5 a month, I also just got a hospital bill from our pediatrician for about $250. For whatever reason, BCBS applied that much to Port's deductible... it irks me because if I had chosen a different pediatrician that actually takes Medicaid I could have left him on there and everything would have been covered. Makes me want to scream....try to do the right thing and this is what it gets me...

Well, I better wrap this up. I need to switch out the laundry and get dressed before Hubby gets home. Yes, I am still in my pjs. I told you, it was a long night.

Until,
D :)

Mental Jukebox Song of the Day:


Songs like this and artists like her make me seriously consider picking up the guitar again and trying to find me some singing gigs. I want to be sitting on a bar stool somewhere playing my guitar and singing, just like that...

The Mom Song

Happy Mother's Day!


I didn't want to do laundry today, but I did.


I didn't want to clean the kitchen. Not today of all days. But I did.


I didn't want to have to get up a million and one times at the sound of a baby crying. But I did.


I didn't want to change a poopy diaper and wipe a poopy bottom. But, well I'm sure you know I did.


Today is the day that someone, somewhere has designated as a day to honor mothers everywhere. And while I am thankful and proud to be recognized in some way today, it doesn't really stand out in my mind as "different" from any other day.


Of course, we did get to go out for lunch. We did get to spend the weekend with Hubby's parents. Those things were amazingly wonderful! I wish we could do them more often. Friday night Hubby and I even got out for a date. We went to a dinner/movie place in town and saw Speed Racer. I don't think I have ever seen a movie on opening night. It was really fun.

But aside from all those things, there was no fanfare, no real celebration I guess, just going through the day as usual with some nice extras thrown in.

I am not complaining, really. It was a nice weekend. I guess I'm not really sure what I was expecting. I did tell Hubby that next year he's going to have to step up his game. Kiddo will be old enough to have Hubby help him make me a card and maybe even put together some sort of breakfast or something. It would be nice to have them cater to me a little one day a year. It would be nice to be made to feel special by people excited to feel that way.

I'm not making sense, I know.

I don't want this post to sound ungrateful. I guess we just don't do holidays really enthusiastically - or something.

Anyway, I did want to say that I hope all of my mom friends had a wonderful Mother's Day. I have never felt more bonded to a group of women as I do now that I am a mom. I am constantly amazed at the generosity and kindness that the moms that I chat with show each other. I am constantly blessed with their kind words and actions. The moms I chat with on Babycenter are some of my closest friends, though many of us have never met face to face. I absolutely cherish the moms in my playgroups and am so thankful they are in my life. I never thought I could find friendship in those places, and I am overwhelmed at how wonderful they all are and how easy it has been to form the relationships we have.

Then there is my mom and mother in law. I appreciate them in ways I can never express. God has blessed me with an amazing family and wonderful friends surrounding me.

I wish you all the best. Happy Mother's Day!
Until,
D :)

I'm sure you've all seen this before, but it's pretty darn good!

2 Become 1

Five weeks:

He smiled at me!!!!!!!!!


On Wednesday I took the boys over to my friend's house so we could do a little mini newborn photo session with Port and another friend's newborn. M wanted to try out her new photography toys so she got everything set up and we headed over.




Another friend was there with her kids as well, and while all the big kids played upstairs, her nearly-a-year old stayed down with us. Port was fascinated with her, and she with him, and they smiled and cooed and googled at each other a lot. I was complaining that Port never smiled at me. [yes, I complain a lot]



Later that afternoon while M was taking some pics of the other baby, I was sitting on the floor with Port, feeding him. He looked up at me with his big eyes...



and smiled. It was one of those big, open mouth, toothless smiles that melts my mommy heart every time.



And it was then that I fell for him.



See, talking about things helps. I got my feelings out, and I was free to be changed.



He smiles at me a lot now. It is like fuel to my weary soul.

Hopefully soon I can capture it in a picture.

Until,

D :)

Sorry

Oh my! Has it been a month already??? Surely not - wasn't I just at the hospital pushing a large child out of my body with no medicinal assistance whatsoever?

Baby Port is a month old. Well, actually a month and 2 days. I seriously can't believe it. I really don't know where the time went. *sigh* It is going sooooo fast.

He had his one month check today, and now weighs a whopping 11 pounds 6.5 ounces! He is in the 95th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. He looks great and is really doing wonderfully. He sleeps so well at night; usually giving me at least 4 hours of sleep at a stretch (and a couple of times 6!) before a quick bottle/diaper change and going right back to sleep. On his own. Without rocking or bouncing. In his own bassinet. [I had no idea it could be so nice!]

He has recently developed several new sounds; some talking noises, interesting little squeaks and noises that tell us of his displeasure or discomfort. And he has also fine tuned his scream - though thankfully at this point he doesn't use it often.

In the past week or so though, he has started showing signs of reflux. It gets worse each day. It has not effected him at night yet (thank God!) but I am anticipating that is soon to come. His doctor said that it will get worse before it gets better, and because he doesn't like to prescribe meds to babies under 6 weeks of age, he suggested that for now we try giving him Maalox before he eats. Since it doesn't get into the blood stream it is safer for really young children. If it doesn't help, then in a couple of weeks he will prescribe something. I hate giving him anything, but I also hate seeing him writhe in pain each time he takes a drink of milk. The doctor did suggest I try to avoid "fragrant" foods like onion, garlic and peppers as these will deposit in the milk and aggravate the acid. He didn't mention anything about caffeine, but I will *try* to keep my intake of that at a minimum as well. I really don't drink that much (one cup of coffee in the morning, 2 if it was a rough night and then sometimes a soda in the afternoon) so I don't think that is affecting him much.

He did break out in a rash this morning all over his face, head and chest. Not sure what that is all about - I bathed him before we left for the doctor, but I used the same thing I always do.

My boy is starting to lose his beautiful long black hair. :( I love that downy stuff at the back of his head; I am not ready for him to be a baldy yet.

I am starting to lose my hair now too. Darn hormones. I hate this part of post-partum; your skin goes nuts and your hair falls out - it's a beautiful thing. ;) So I am thinking of coloring my hair again to give it some body and life. Any suggestions on color? I really loved the red, but it was so hard to maintain and blond is of course perfect but I have to have it done by a pro and right now I can't afford it. So I was thinking maybe a nice honey brown....your thoughts? At least if my hair bleaches out in the sun the brown will work with it, not against it like the red does. Decisions, decisions.

I was finally able to get into my largest pair of regular jeans on Sunday!!! Woo hoo! I think I can now retire the maternity jeans. Thankfully I have jeans in size 10, 8, 6 and 4, so I can just work my way back down the line again. I would like to lose 20 pounds by August - our family vacation is then and I want to be able to sit by the pool without wearing a full body cover up. I seem to be steadily dropping about 2 pounds a week so I think I can reach my goal by then. If I can only stay away from the Oreos...

Mentally, I am doing ok. I have good days and bad days; good moments and bad moments. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the house, the crying baby and the whiny 3 year old (who by the way has suddenly lost all ability to care for himself - ugh!). Sometimes the fact that I cannot breastfeed consumes me like a big ocean wave and I feel like I am drowning. I want to be able to do this - it shouldn't be so hard. And me being the one that is so vocal about God making the human body perfect for childbirth and whatnot - I just don't understand how I can be so messed up that I can't feed my child. I am VERY thankful that I can at least pump for him. I have read so many stories of women that just can't get the pump to work for them. But then I go someplace like the "nursing mother's room" at our church and I sit in the rocker feeding my baby a bottle while everyone else is breastfeeding and I feel so inadequate. I get overly self conscious and embarrassed.

Have I mentioned hormones suck?

And here is where things get really personal....but I do feel I need to share this.

With Kiddo, he was away from me for 4 days in the NICU and by the time I finally got to room in with him I was so attached to him I didn't think I would ever put him down. And for a long, long time I didn't. We have been incredibly bonded from day one. With Port however, I am not yet feeling that intense bond. Please don't misinterpret me here - I LOVE him with all my heart and soul and would lay down my life for him, but I am just not feeling that closeness and intense desire to be near Port the way I felt with Kiddo from the start. I know it will come eventually, but sometimes it really makes me sad that I don't have that connection with him. He won't smile at me; he smiles at everyone else. That hurts. With Kiddo, I could pick him up and physically feel him sigh and relax. It was as if he was most at home in my arms. Port is not like that. He stiffens and pulls away where Kiddo would lean in and cling. I don't feel as equipped to comfort Port. And part of that is that my attention is much more divided this time around. Kiddo and I had days on end to stare at each other and bond. Port spends a lot of time propped on pillows and lying in the swing or the bouncy seat. He is not held as much and while part of that is our circumstance, some of it is also his personality. And I'm sure a lot of it is me too - I am not a first time mom with all that nasty protectiveness coursing through my veins like hot lava. I am not the fierce momma bear I was when Kiddo was born. I hardly let anyone near Kiddo; I protected him like a crazed mental patient at times. I'm sure that had a lot to do with the fact that we almost lost him. But with Port - I have no problem leaving him with Hubby so I can go run an errand. When he cries I don't jump out of my skin and leap over furniture to get to him.

What's funny is that while I find in my difference of care with him slightly disturbing, some may find it to be better parenting. I mean, Port can put himself to sleep at night without needing me to rock or hold him. I have no problem with others holding him or caring for him - something I was extremely hesitant to do with Kiddo. Port will definitely grow up to be much more independent than his brother if this continues.

But anyway, hopefully my pumping woes are about to end (well sort of). A wonderful, sweet, generous friend of mine has graciously offered to sell me her only slightly used Medela Pump In Style Advance for an absolutely smokin' price - and I could not be happier! Hopefully I will have it hooked up to my poor, poor boobies within the next week. I am so excited!!!

And speaking of my poor boobies, it is once again time for me to pump. Joy.

Until,
D :)

Head Jukebox Song Today: