Friday, February 27, 2009

No Woman No Cry

Happy Friday Company Girls! (and my other readers as well)

Well today has been a trying day. Last night with Port was so bad - at 2am I found myself staring at the ceiling, resenting my baby for being such a bad sleeper. I had to seriously concentrate on not getting angry with him. He tossed and turned and fussed and head butted all night long. I couldn't put him in his crib, I couldn't sleep with him on the couch (usually a last resort, but it always works - nope not last night), I couldn't walk with him nor could I rock, sway, soothe, or do anything that calmed him down enough to sleep. I think he may have been a tad warm - the house was warmer than usual. But beyond that there really was no reason for him to be awake all night.

At about 3 I turned down the air conditioning and cooled off the house some and he finally passed out in our bed at about 4. He slept hard until almost 9 this morning. I have had it. I can't do this with him anymore. My attitude and my disposition have been altered and I can't be a good mom to him or Kiddo if I don't get some sleep soon.

Several friends suggested Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to me so my dear friend picked it up for me at a Half-Price Books when she was out running errands today. I poured through it all afternoon and tonight we took the plunge. Instead of our usual routine of taking the bottle to go to sleep and sleeping in my arms until he is out enough to transfer to the crib - I settled with him in his room for a few minutes, cuddled and kissed him and put him in the crib wide awake. I told him goodnight and turned out the light.

He sat there; stunned in the darkness.

For a few moments he was silent. Then through the door I heard his little "uh" he makes when he "talks" to me. It's that familiar there you are that we exchange whenever we acknowledge each other. Only this time he was not hearing me say it back.

And then he started to cry.

Of course, I knew he would - but I really had no idea how it would effect me. I thought I would be upset, but I didn't know that I would turn into a caged animal of sorts. I frantically hunted for my mp3 player, hoping the music flooding my ears would drown out my sweet baby's cries for me. I haven't used it since I was in labor with him, and when I put the buds in my ears I was suddenly transported back 11 months to that hospital room, sitting on a birthing ball and willing my baby boy into the world. The feelings of calm and joy that the music brought me then were replaced by sadness and feelings of inadequacy. My internal me berated me for being a bad mother and soon enough I was crying and ripping the buds out of my ears.

Thankfully, it had been about 30 minutes and thankfully the crying in Port's room had stopped.

Other than a few moans here and there, he has been silent ever since.

I desperately want to check in on him, but I'm afraid if I do he might see me and ruin the progress made this evening. According to the book, I shouldn't go in to see him until after the 6am mark.

It's going to be a long night.

I hope you all have a wonderful, restful weekend.

D :)


Joyce said...

I remember those nights...they were long...and we'll have them again soon enough. It's tough. Sometimes you think, "Kid, you're tired, why aren't you sleeping?" It just doesn't make sense, and you feel like they're doing it on purpose. argh!! And it doesn't help that you're tired too. Hope you are able to take a break from time to time, even if it's a short one, to get refresh. Take care.

- Joyce

Vick said...

Miss O still wakes frequently overnight, and the first waking is anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours after the 30-60 minute "go to sleep kid" struggle ... believe me, I hear ya on the resentment :)

I hope you've found a solution that works for all of you!!

Julia said...

I hope that it worked. I read the Healthy Sleep Habits book many, many times. It helped us keep to a sleep routine, and that was about the only thing that helped C establish that it was bedtime. We still do a pre-sleep routine, with N too. For some babies the book works like a charm, and others like mine seem to follow just bits and pieces of it. Like I said before, it wasn't until a couple of times that we accidently left the monitor off all night long and me sleeping so hard from fatigue that Ia siren couldn't wake me up that mine started to sleep 12 hrs overnight.

mholgate said...

When we had our firstborn, my husband literally had to hold me down to keep me from going to her in the middle of the night. The only way they learn to sooth themselves to sleep is if you let them cry first...difficult, but worth it in the long run! You did good!

Recently we switched my youngest from his crib to his toddler bed. It was time. He had outgrown his crib but wanted it so badly when we made the transition. He cried at nap time and cried at bed time. I again had to fight the urge to run to his rescue and comfort him. After about two days, he decided he loves his new bed. : )

Different stages bring different challenges. Hopefully it won't be long before a routine settles in and you start to get more sleep. Hang in there!


Barb said...

Man both girls would love to be rocked to sleep - having a drink as they went off to la la land.

William was an entirely different beast. He has been going to bed wide awake for months. Some days are better than others that is for sure. It will get easier.

How did it go for you?

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