Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Walk On

Each day in the life brings a series of roller coaster moments. Sometimes the ride is tame, and other times it leaves me breathless. But each morning, I get up and strap myself in the ride, say a quick prayer and hope for the best.

Lately life in general has been extreme; up, down, up, down. And just when things start to even out and the ride comes to that flat straight-a-way, someone pulls a lever and off we go, and I am holding on to the safety rail and holding my breath.

I find myself almost daily now staring off into space, avoiding things I should do and people I should see, and I wonder if my depression is coming back again. We just can't get a leg up. Hubby's work did round 3 of layoffs last week. Things are tense to say the least. I am worried constantly, and in that worry I find myself sinking deeper and deeper...


Kiddo can be so sweet, and so frustrating. Some days he is in time-out all day. Like today, he's been awful. Mouthy, defiant, rude and just plain old mean to his brother. He is the evil version of himself, the black Spiderman to his usual good humored superhero persona. Today I haven't the energy to get ruffled. I am ignoring the behavior and punishing only when absolutely necessary. It's probably not the right thing to do, but it's all I can do today.

Port is a special kind of ornery today. This kid is headstrong I tell you. As my friend Mollie told me yesterday, I have created a monster. She is right. He screams, I jump. I can't handle the screaming. I am too tired and it just hurts my head when he gets upset.

But I try to savor the little moments of life, the glimpses of hope and joy and peace I find in my day to day. My kids, oh how I love them. They bring me so much joy...and so much headache. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

This morning started early; way too early for both Hubby and I, as Port flipped and flopped and moaned and groaned in the bed between us. The night itself really wasn't too bad (no good either, but I take what I can get these days) but he started waking sometime in the 5 o'clock hour and fussed and fidgeted until I finally got up at 7.

Our early rising woke up Kiddo, who is a total bear when his beauty sleep is interrupted. I guess that explains his attitude today.

But just an hour or so later, we had some excitement. Port took his first steps!!! I set him down in front of me as I do many times a day and I let go. The first time he took one kind of half step and lunged for me, falling into my arms. I stood him up again and he took 5 clean, big steps toward me. Just like his big brother did almost 4 years ago, Port squealed the entire time. He was so excited; I was so excited. I cried and laughed and squealed right along with him!

10 1/2 months and he walks!

It may still take some time, but now that I know for sure he can do it I am going to encourage him even more.

Which, leads us to a low in this ride. Port is mad. He is mad that I am not helping him walk like I normally do. He is mad that I am making him try to walk by himself. He is screaming and crying and pitching fits (full blown tantrums) over it. Nothing is making him happy.

Up, down, up down.

Until,
D :)

2 comments:

Vick said...

Wow - walking already?!? That's nuts!

Sorry 'bout the down days ... I can definitely relate to some of the frustrations. There are days when the thought of going back to work really doesn't bather me that much :)

Jen said...

oh man. I'm sorry you are facing such ups & downs. One thing that comes to mind though, is lack of sleep. I know you guys have not been sleeping well for a loooong time now. Hopefully when Port gets into a good & consistent sleep rythym for you, there will be a tad more ups then there are downs. ((((hugs))))

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