Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Can't Take My Soul

I think I can pretty confidently say that we all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Do over. Forget about completely as if they never happened. And I think that when you are a parent those moments happen far more often than you would like. It is hard to be patient and calm and rational all the time and sometimes in life's circumstances things get out of control.

Yesterday I took the Kiddo out shopping with me to hit a big sale and use some of the gift cards that have been burning a hole in my wallet. We went to several stores all in the same shopping area, and instead of moving my car all over the parking lot I thought it best (if not healthier) for us to walk to all the stores as we shopped them. By the time we got to the last store, it was getting late and neither of us had had lunch. My blood sugar was dangerously low, but I knew I could make it through the store and back to the car without passing out. What we were picking up was simple, and it should have been a run in, get the stuff and run out kind of trip. We walked across the parking lot to the store and went in. Things were going fine at first, but I couldn't find one of the items I was looking for and we ended up circling the isles several times. Kiddo kept asking me where the item was, and though I tried to explain that the store was out of said item, he insisted on stopping every few feet and saying "is that your powder Mommy?". Frustrated, we left the store without purchasing anything, and as we walked back through the parking lot, Kiddo got increasingly belligerent. He wouldn't walk, he fussed and then he resorted to speaking to me in a tone that was completely unacceptable, and something he gets in trouble for on a regular basis. But by then, I was weak and hungry and had that cold clammy feeling coming over me that usually happens right before everything goes dark.

I got us to the car and put Kiddo in his seat and all the while he was yelling at me and saying not nice things and I just couldn't take it. And without going into details, I retaliated. I didn't hurt him, so don't go calling CPS on me. The look on his face though cut me to the core. He was so stunned that for a few seconds he couldn't speak; his mouth pursed up and that cute bottom lip and chin of his began to quiver. His eyes said way more than his little brain could have produced and I instantly felt such remorse and sadness. I couldn't let him see that though, because I had to make my point, so I walked around the car and got in the driver's seat. By then he had started to cry; that awful, "you just broke my heart" cry and I felt so bad.

I can't get that awful feeling out of my head and heart. I know that he probably doesn't even remember the moment, and I'm pretty sure I didn't scar him for life or anything, but I think it scarred me. We all have those moments when we lose control, but I was out of resources at that point and I should have known better than to let myself get out of hand. The pregnancy hormones aren't helping either, so crying has been a frequent occurrence for me today. I really wish I could take that moment back. Every time I look at Kiddo I want to scoop him up and snuggle him and breathe in his sweetness and tell him I am sorry. I never want him to feel those feelings; the ones that make him question my love for him. I want him to always feel safe and loved in my presence, and I want him to know that no matter what he does I will always love him and cherish him and respect him. I need him to feel he can always come to me to comfort and protect him.

I have had this in my drafts for a few days and have decided to go ahead and publish it. One, because it is about as real life as it gets and two because I think in the coming months I may need the reminder - the reminder that I am too human and have weak moments, and the reminder that with just a little more thought, a little more patience and sometimes only a slight pause before I react, I can spare myself and those around me these moments. I would love to pretend that it didn't happen, and though the incident may have been minor in the grand scheme of things, it did effect me greatly and I want to strive to do better for my children.


1 comment:

Julia said...

Awww...I'm sorry that you had one of those moments. We've all done it before, and I'm sure that we'll continue to do this as our children grow older and find other ways to test our limits. He knows that your love is unconditional and when he can express himself better, he'll be able to say that mommy loves him but doesn't like his behavior at the moment.

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