Happy Friday Company Girls! (and my other readers as well)
Well today has been a trying day. Last night with Port was so bad - at 2am I found myself staring at the ceiling, resenting my baby for being such a bad sleeper. I had to seriously concentrate on not getting angry with him. He tossed and turned and fussed and head butted all night long. I couldn't put him in his crib, I couldn't sleep with him on the couch (usually a last resort, but it always works - nope not last night), I couldn't walk with him nor could I rock, sway, soothe, or do anything that calmed him down enough to sleep. I think he may have been a tad warm - the house was warmer than usual. But beyond that there really was no reason for him to be awake all night.
At about 3 I turned down the air conditioning and cooled off the house some and he finally passed out in our bed at about 4. He slept hard until almost 9 this morning. I have had it. I can't do this with him anymore. My attitude and my disposition have been altered and I can't be a good mom to him or Kiddo if I don't get some sleep soon.
Several friends suggested Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to me so my dear friend picked it up for me at a Half-Price Books when she was out running errands today. I poured through it all afternoon and tonight we took the plunge. Instead of our usual routine of taking the bottle to go to sleep and sleeping in my arms until he is out enough to transfer to the crib - I settled with him in his room for a few minutes, cuddled and kissed him and put him in the crib wide awake. I told him goodnight and turned out the light.
He sat there; stunned in the darkness.
For a few moments he was silent. Then through the door I heard his little "uh" he makes when he "talks" to me. It's that familiar there you are that we exchange whenever we acknowledge each other. Only this time he was not hearing me say it back.
And then he started to cry.
Of course, I knew he would - but I really had no idea how it would effect me. I thought I would be upset, but I didn't know that I would turn into a caged animal of sorts. I frantically hunted for my mp3 player, hoping the music flooding my ears would drown out my sweet baby's cries for me. I haven't used it since I was in labor with him, and when I put the buds in my ears I was suddenly transported back 11 months to that hospital room, sitting on a birthing ball and willing my baby boy into the world. The feelings of calm and joy that the music brought me then were replaced by sadness and feelings of inadequacy. My internal me berated me for being a bad mother and soon enough I was crying and ripping the buds out of my ears.
Thankfully, it had been about 30 minutes and thankfully the crying in Port's room had stopped.
Other than a few moans here and there, he has been silent ever since.
I desperately want to check in on him, but I'm afraid if I do he might see me and ruin the progress made this evening. According to the book, I shouldn't go in to see him until after the 6am mark.
It's going to be a long night.
I hope you all have a wonderful, restful weekend.