Tuesday, November 27, 2007

6th Avenue Heartache

I am a hormonal mess today. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been on the verge of tears all day long. I just want to sit and cry, or throw something, or stare into thin air, David Puddy style. I am stressed out, and tired and everything is a mess. The house especially. I need to clean but I need to get my work done and I just don't feel like anyone cares.

I probably shouldn't be writing a post when I feel this way, but I need to get it out. I have far too much going on and no one to support me even with the smallest things. I need a break. I keep telling myself if I can just push through this week, it will all be better, but of course there is so much I want to do this week that I don't want to put off any longer and I know none of it is going to get done. I want to get the holiday decorations up. I want to get things picked up and put away, even if it is only for a little while. I want to go to a friend's house on Wednesday night and relax and smell the fall Scentsy stuff and not think for a while, but I doubt it will happen because I just can't get away.

I just feel like it is all heaped on my shoulders right now and it's not fair.

I am getting frustrated at the littlest things; the car being out of gas, the car not being completely unloaded from our trip, the trash laying around two feet from the trash can, the car seat being on the other side of the car now instead of the middle. It is so inconvenient. I got mad at myself for forgetting my reusable shopping bags when I went to the grocery store because they got taken out of my car and I didn't realize it until I was already there. The grocery clerk charging me for the wrong kind of tomato that cost 3Xs as much as the one I had, and I couldn't tell him to change it because Kiddo was pitching a fit. Kiddo pitching a fit because the grocery store didn't have the blue Chick Hicks that they advertised in the paper.

I want to crawl back into bed, but I wouldn't be comfortable. I am not sleeping much lately. Either I am getting leg cramps or having weird dreams that wake me up or the neighbor dog is barking or Kiddo is getting up to potty - it never ends at night. Why do I even bother going to bed?

And being pregnant is just sucking lately. I remember with Kiddo, I felt so good pregnant. I felt special and healthy and had this sort of zen understanding of the circle of life and was all goo goo eyed about bringing a new life into the world. Now I feel ugly and fat and unimportant. People don't care about a second baby as much I guess. Plus, there are all the wonderful (spoken with sarcasm) things that happen to your body when pregnant. I mean, beyond the discomfort and the leg cramps, you get the exciting world of acne and stretch marks and dry skin and strange twitches. My right eye lid has twitched for a week now. And the snot - my gracious the SNOT! What the heck is with that??!? It's not something you can blow or wipe away. It just drains and sticks in the back of your throat and chokes you at every given moment. I am keeping Puffs tissue in business my friends. My fingernails are growing rapidly and breaking off even more rapidly. I cut them short and they are still popping off.

And I really want Christmas to be special this year because I really thought Kiddo was finally going to understand everything - but he is driving me crazy and ruining any good holiday feelings I can muster up because he is so about getting all kinds of toys and junk he sees in the papers and has no concept of time and that Christmas is a month away. (can you say run-on sentence?) He thinks that if we go see Santa he is going to get a Lightning McQueen car. I don't know where he got that, but now I am afraid to take him to Santa for pictures because he's going to expect some kind of gift. And when he doesn't get it he's going to pitch another fit - like we don't get enough of those in one day. I am so sick of the whining and the crying about EVERYTHING - I could just scream. I try to be nice and make things special for him every now and then, but ultimately he will whine or fuss or be outright rude about something and I have to take it away and then I am the mean mommy because I changed my mind. I am tired of being the mean mommy. I want to have sweet moments and special times and he is completely keeping me from being able to do that. I have not really had any fun with him for weeks and I miss it.

Ugh, this is the most depressing post ever. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I am going to drink a Dr. Pepper now and hope it makes me feel better for a little while. I doubt it will.

D :(


Tiffany Stuart said...

You are not alone. Sorry you were struggling. It's always worst being pregnant.

BYW, Congrats on the life within you. May he or she grow up healthy and happy!

Hang in there. God loves you!

Julia said...

Oh Dawn! *BIG HUGS* You and I both! There is something horrible in the air that must be pestering our little ones because I'm at my wits end with C too. If you ever need a break, you're more than welcome to bring S over to play! We can be two miserable pregnant people together!

A's Momma said...

So sorry you're having a rough time of it. Hopefully just blogging about it made you feel a bit better. I hope you do make it to M's tomorrow night. I'm hoping to make it too, but like you, I'm iffy because of hubby's work schedule. I'm sending you good rest and dreams wishes :)

my4loveys said...

Sweetie, it is ok to get all of that out! I know just how you feel. Sometimes we just have to plow through and the Martha Stewart moments aren't there, but you are doing it right and you are the best woman for the job. Don't worry too much that kiddo isn't grasping too much beyond Santa right now. It will come.

This is a season. A yucky one where you feel like the wheels are going to fall off, but even if they do, it will one day be over and you will look back and see the good things. Trust me on that. I've been there.

Now, go get some really chocolatey, rich cocoa, put on your favorite Christmas music and hang a crazy, nonperfect string of lights around your computer to perk you up while you edit.

Martha won't be stopping by anytime soon. ;)

jhjohnstone said...

Ditto what L said! I'm so sorry you're feeling so down! Pregnancy, a preschooler and the Christmas season are all stressful by themselves, but throw them all together and HOLY MOLY! I remember having those days (weeks??) when I was pregnant with my 2nd one. The whole world seems to be on your shoulders, and nothing anyone says or does will convince you otherwise. But I PROMISE you'll get through it somehow and eventually you'll be able to see the positive side of this time. Just keep telling yourself that it's OK, it's not as bad as it seems, and you can make it another day. You're a great mom and wife, and that's all that matters. I truly hope you woke up today and the world seemed a little brighter. (((HUGS)))

Tiffany Stuart said...

Are you doing better today? Hope so.

I meant to thank you for your sweet words on my blog. They mean a lot. I'm all about being real. Whether we are in the trenches or on the mountaintop.

Have a good day! May God give you hope and peace this day!

Barb said...

Dawn go put on your favorite Jewel song and dance around the house singing. I hope that you are feeling better.

You know I totally understand where you are coming from even if I don't have a WOH job.

I love ya!! Don't feel that you are all alone during this time. Wish I lived closer but know that I think of you often.

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