Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Slow Down Sister

For months now Kiddo has been talking about having a sister. He talks about her as if she is real - they do things together, she is always somewhere else; at work with Daddy, at school, church, etc. At first her name was Mia (mee-ah) and then her name changed to DJ. DJ/Mia is older, around 10 or 11 on any given day. This morning Kiddo's sister changed her name to Madison. He has been drawing pictures of her all morning, and he is calling her his "little sister". I asked him if Madison is a baby and he says no. So I know she is older than Port, but not as old as Kiddo.

All this talk of a sister, while amusing, makes me very sad sometimes. I had always dreamed that if I ever had children, I would most certainly have a girl. I could and can still see her, feel her presence and imagine the things we would do. I would fix her hair and teach her to sing and share the things I love with her. We would have an amazing bond. She would be like me but successful in all the ways I have failed in my life - because I can see now where I went wrong and I would help her to not make the same mistakes.

I know these are things I can do with my boys, and I fully intend to - but a girl is different. Selfishly, I just want a little girl in our family. I love my boys, I really do. And I love having boys and saying "my boys" and "the boys" and living in a house full of stinky testosterone - I really, really love it. I know I will love it more when I get to see my boys playing sports and playing with each other and just being kids - but at times my heart just aches for that girl.

When we had the sonogram with Port that told us he was a boy...I was so glad everything looked good and he was healthy. But when I got back in my car to drive home I sat there and cried for a long time. I wasn't disappointed per se, I wanted a healthy baby and that's exactly what I got. I thank God for that every single day. But that day when we saw the package part of me just died. Most likely Port will be our last child, and if I get to thinking about it too long I start to get really upset.

Hubby was wonderful that day; we went out to dinner and he actually brought up and entertained the idea of being open to a 3rd child someday. But I know now that he is not really open to it and I completely understand. Besides there is no way for us to guarantee a girl the next time around anyway and most likely we would end up with another boy.

But that is really not what I wanted to talk about.

When Kiddo talks about his sister - I know it is probably because all of his friends have sisters and a "sister" is not an annoying baby brother that takes up all of Mommy's time. I know that is why he made up this addition to our family.

But sometimes it is just too much.



Shannon said...

I felt the same way, I always wanted a girl but it wasn't in the cards. God gave me 2 wonderful handsome boys and I wouldn't trade them for the world but it would be nice to have a little pink around.

kimberly said...

So sorry you didn't get what you wanted. BUT I have a girl you can borrow ANYTIME!!!

Julia said...

I"ll offer up C any day that you need a girl fix. I'll even supply the hair brushes, microphone, dress up clothes, and everything. :-)

I do understand how you feel because I had hoped for a second girl so that C would have a sister. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother, and the bond with the sisters is just different. I wouldn't trade N in for anything, but knowing that N is our last baby, I get a little weepy too that C will never get to experience the sisterhood bond. (I cried too though when I saw frank and beans on the u/s.)

You can always look at it this way. Someday Kiddo and Port may marry wonderful women, and on the days that they marry, you will have daughters.

Abby said...

Um, girls are overrated. Seriously. I have one. You are welcome to have her. Free shipping.

I love my daughter, I really do. me when I was they come out with PMS and it never. ever. stops.

I have two boys as well. So I do know what both are like. Here is the bottom line...

Girls wear you out emotionally and mentally. Boys wear you out physically.

I deal much better with physical exhaustion...

Barb said...

I will offer up O and E anytime!! That will fix his need for a sister real quick.

All joking aside, I remember feeling that E was a boy the entire time I was preggo with her. I was stunned when they popped her out and said girl.

My cousin had 3 boys - she said she finally got her girls when her boys got married. Yes, she is quite a bit older than me...but you will get your girl one day and I pray that they love you with all their heart.

Carrie said...

I have both, but honestly, you might get a girl that hates you messing with her hair...
nothing is ever like we think it will be.....I guess we get exactly what God thinks is best for us...and sometimes that's just plain hard to you...miss you :)

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